Sailing isnt a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding the bus isnt a sport, why the fuck should sailing be a sport?
Boxing is not a sport either. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody. In that respect, boxing is actually a more sophisticated form of hockey. In spite of what the police tell you, beating the shit out of somebody is not a sport. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine, then boxing can be a sport.
Bowling. Bowling isnt a sport because you have to rent the shoes. Dont forget, these are my rules. I make em up.
Billiards. Some people think billiards is a sport, but it cant be, because theres no chance for serious injury. Unless, of course, you welch on a bet in a tough neighborhood. Then, if you wind up with a pool cue stickin out of your ass, you know you might just be the victim of a sports-related injury. But that aint billiards, thats pool, and that starts with a P , and that rhymes with D , and that brings me to darts.
Darts could have been a sport, because at least theres a chance to put someones eye out. But, alas, darts will never be a sport, because the whole object of the game is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.
Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a faggoty college activity. I dont care how rough it is, anytime youre running around a field, waving a stick with a little net on the end of it, youre engaged
in a faggoty college activity. Period.
Field hockey and fencing. Same thing. Faggoty college shit. Also, these activities arent sports, because you cant gamble on them. Anything you cant gamble on cant be a sport. When was the last time you made a fuckin fencing bet?
Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it. It took me a long time to come up with that rule, but goddammit, I did it.
Polo isnt a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. Without the holes. Its a great concept, but its not a sport. And as far as water polo is concerned, I hesitate to even mention it, because its extremely cruel to the horses.
Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer. The only good thing about hunting is the many fatal accidents on the weekends. And, of course, the permanently disfigured hunters who survive such accidents.
Then you have tennis. Tennis is very trendy and very fruity, but its not a sport. Its just a way to meet other trendy fruits. Technically, tennis is an advanced form of Ping-Pong. In fact, tennis is Ping-Pong played while standing on the table. Great concept, not a sport.
In fact, all racket games are nothing more than derivatives of PingPong. Even volleyball is, technically, racketless, team Ping-Pong played with an inflated ball and a raised net while standing on the table.
And finally we come to golf. For my full take on golf, I refer you elsewhere in the book, but let it just be said golf is a game that might possibly be fun, if it could be played alone. But its the vacuous, striving, superficial, male-bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it such a repulsive pastime. And it is decidedly not a sport. Period.
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War Is Heaven
When the United States is not invading some sovereign nationor setting it on fire from the air, which is more fun for our simple-minded pilotswere usually busy declaring war on something here at home.
Anything we dont like about ourselves, we declare war on it. We dont do anything about it, we just declare war. Declaring war is our only public metaphor for problem solving. We have a war on crime, a war on poverty, a war on hate, a war on litter, a war on cancer, a war on violence, and Ronald Reagans ultimate joke, the war on drugs. More accurately, the war on the Constitution.
Be It Ever So Humble . . .
But theres no war on homelessness. You notice that? Its because theres no money in it. If someone could end homelessness and in the process let the corporate swine steal a couple of billion dollars, youd see the streets of America clear up pretty goddamn quickly. But if you think its going to be solved through human decency, relax. Its not gonna happen.
You know what I think they ought to do about homelessness? Change its name. Its not homelessness, its houselessness. Its houses these people need. Home is an abstract idea; its a setting, a state of mind. These people need houses. Physical, tangible structures. They need low-cost housing.
Get It Outta Here!
But theres no place to put it. People dont want low-cost housing built anywhere near them. We have a thing in this country called NIMBY: Not in my backyard! People dont want social assistance of any kind located anywhere near them. Just try to open a halfway house, a rehab center, a shelter for the homeless, or a home for retarded people who want to work their way into the community. Forget it. People wont allow it. Not in my backyard!