I dont understand people who protest things in the street by walking around holding signs. I say, if youre gonna be on the street, use the time productively. Destroy some property.
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that its a spy satellite?
Why is it every time some celebrity gets cancer the National Enquirer says hes vowed to lick this thing. Just once Id like to hear a guy say, Ive got cancer, and this is it. Ill be dead in a few months.
Why dont they have a light bulb that only shines on things worth looking at?
Even though men are complete assholes, you know what makes me sad about feminism? Somewhere along the way we lost Hey, toots!
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-40 ??BRAVE NEW WORLD OF SCIENCE ?
Scientists in Switzerland announced today they have been able to make mice fart by holding them upside-down and tapping them on the stomach with a ballpoint pen.
A pair of Siamese twins in Australia, surgically separated six months ago, has been sewn back together. Apparently, each of them could remember only half the combination to their locker.
Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
The Nobel Prize in mathematics was awarded yesterday to a California professor who has discovered a new number. The number is bleen, which he says belongs between six and seven.
The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
A Swedish entomologist claims that common houseflies are highly intelligent and can be trained to fix umbrellas
and dance in a circle.
Botanists in England have developed a plant that may help solve the worlds hunger problems. Although it has no food value of its own, when the plant reaches maturity it sneaks across the yard and steals food from the neighbors.
An x-ray technician at New York Hospital has died from a rare disease known as cancer-of-the-part-in-the-hair. In a desperate attempt to treat himself, twenty-eight-year-old Norris Flengkt shaved his head completely bald. Unfortunately, the cancer thought it was simply a wider part and proceeded to devour his entire skull.
Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.
Astronomers announced that next month the sun, the moon, and all nine planets will be aligned perfectly with the earth. They say, however, the only noticeable effect will be that the Nome to Rio bus will run four days late.
Thanks to the sharp eyes of a Minnesota man, it is possible that two identical snowflakes may finally have been observed. While out snowmobiling, Oley Skotchgaard noticed a snowflake that looked familiar to him. Searching his memory, he realized it was identical to a snowflake he had seen as a child in Vermont. Weather experts, while excited, caution that the match-up will be difficult to verify.
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a two-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.
According to astronomers, next week Wednesday will occur twice. They say such a thing happens only once every 60,000 years and although they dont know why it occurs, theyre glad they have an extra day to figure it out.
A team of microbiologists announced today they have discovered something they cannot identify. According to them it is long and thin and smells like a tractor seat.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-41 ??ITS NOT A SPORT ?
To my way of thinking, there are really only three sports: baseball, basketball, and football. Everything else is either a game or an activity.
Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. Its not. Hockey is three activities taking place at the same time: ice skating, fooling around with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody.
If these guys had more brains than teeth, theyd do these things one at a time. First you go ice skating, then you fool around with a puck, then you go to the bar and beat the shit out of somebody. The day would last longer, and these guys would have a whole lot more fun.
Another reason hockey is not a sport is that its not played with a ball. Anything not played with a ball cant be a sport. These are my rules, I make em up.
Soccer. Soccer is not a sport because you cant use your arms. Anything where you cant use your arms cant be a sport. Tap dancing isnt a sport. I rest my case.
Running. People think running is a sport. Running isnt a sport because anybody can do it. Anything we can all do cant be a sport. I can run, you can run. For Chrissakes, my mother can run! You dont see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?
Swimming. Swimming isnt a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. Thats just common sense.