When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops
Copyright 2004 Comedy Concepts, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written permission of the Publisher. Princed in the United States of America. For infoimation address Hyperion, 77 West 66th Street, New Yoik, New York 10023-6298.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data ISBN 1-4013-0134-7
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1 IRST EDITION
This book is dedicated to my amazing daughter, Kelly: keeper of the sacred DNA, citizen of the universe, and one of Americas few really good Buddhist poker players.
Major funding for this book was made possible by deliberately starving a family of four in Tennessee.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Everlasting thanks to my editor, Gretchen Young, who withstood a last barrage of changes and pulled everything together. She also did an outstanding job protecting me from certain evil people in the publishing company who were jealous of my nice teeth and never stopped plotting against me.
All love to my troll-mate, the sweet Sara Jane.
uOf course the people dont want war. But after all, its the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and its always a simple matter to drag the people along whether its a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger.
HERMANN GORING AT THE NUREMBERG TRIALS
All tears are the same.
IRISH WOMAN
uSo little time. So little to do.
OSCAR LEVANT
The main obligation is to amuse yourself.
S. J. PERELMAN
Today his another day. Time to play.
SALLY WADE
PREFACE
Im an outsider by choice, but not truly. Its the unpleasantness of the system that keeps me out. Id rather be in, in a good system. Thats where my discontent comes from: being forced to choose to stay outside.
My advice: Just keep movin straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
Georges Holiday Message
Since this book comes out in the fall, Id like to take advantage of this early opportunity to wish all of you an enjoyable Christmas season and a happy New Year filled with good fortune. Of course, I realize this cant happen for everyone. Some of you are going to die next year, and others will be crippled and maimed in accidents, perhaps even completely paralyzed. Still others will be stricken with diseases that cant be cured, or will be horribly scarred in fires. And lets not forget the robberies and rapestherell be lots of them. Therefore, many of you will not get to enjoy the happy and fortunate New Year Im wishing for you. So just try to do the best you can.
A Note of Appreciation
FROM THE DESK OF:
-sS
SPOT WADE
On the occasion of the publication of his new book, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, I want to wish the author good luck and let the readers know that as my rep and personal assistant hired to deny rumors of my marriage and subsequent same-sex divorce to Sir Elton Johns dog, Arthur, and how now Im an expectant dadGeorge Carlin was easy to woik with and followed instructions wellalthough he was often tardy, with lame excuses like other things to do.
Similar to that of a cocker spaniel, who wants nothing more than our complete and undivided attention, his personality is pleasant, well-tolerated, and meets with my approvalexcept for the time when, like Jesus, he forgot to bi ing the pork chops. But nows not the time to dwell on food. Well. . . maybe it is.
At any rate, Im proud that one of my employeesespecially you, Mr. Carlinhas demonstrated that youre more than just a flash in the pan, as is so often the case with seared tuna. And by the wayas long as were still talkin about foodregardin Jesus bringin the pork chops, lemme know when they finally arrive. Well cat them religiously, and enjoy a fine glass of
wine.
What are you lookin at?
him
WHEN WILL
JESUS
BRING THE PORK CHOPS?
A MODERN MAN
Im a modern man, digital and smoke-free; a man
for the millennium.
A diversified, multicultural,
post-modern deconstructionist;
politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.
Ive been uplinked and downloaded, Ive been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading.
Im a high-tech lowlife.
A cutting-edge, state-ofthe-art,
bi-coastal multi-tasker,
and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
Im new-wave, but Im old-school; and my inner child is outward-bound.
Im a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer; voice-activated and biodegradable.
I interface with my database;