Getting Started
Okay. Now, a few basic points about driving. One of the first things they teach you in Drivers Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put em at ten oclock and two oclock. Never mind that. I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where Im goin.
Some Things Break Easy
Now, most drivers know that some things that happen in the car can cause great embarrassment. Ive never done any of these things myself, of course, but Im sure youll recognize a few of them. Heres a good example: you ever been driving someone elses car, and for some reason theyre in the car, too? You know what I mean? Lets say they got pushed off the balcony of a crack house and broke both their ankles, and they cant drive, so youre takin them out to buy some crack? Youre drivin their car? But youre used to driving your car. And their gear shift handle is mounted on the opposite side from where yours is, and suddenly you go to shift gears and [CRACK!] break their fuckin turn signal off! Just break it clean off the steering column!
Holy shit, came right off, didnt it? God damn! Youll have to get a new one of them! Here, throw this old one out the window! It aint no good to ya now. Shit, that broke easy, didnt it?
Some things break easy. Just break right off. Like radio dials. The old kind, the knob kind. Damn, those things were fragile. Youd be drivin along just tryin to tune in somethin on the radio. Tryin to find some kinda music you could actually tolerate. And youd just keep turnin and turnin and turnin that dial, until finally you got way over onto the right-hand side of the dashboard and ran clean outta radio stations, and then . . . CRACK!!!
Holy shit, came right off, didnt it? God damn! Gotta throw that mother away! Gimme a fresh one outta that little bag, would ya? I got about fifty of those motherfuckers. Damn, they break easy!
So you stick a new knob onto the radio and keep turnin and turnin and turnin, until finally you wind up past the glove compartment listenin to some radio station located over near the right-hand mirror. Damn. Some things break easy.
Its Your Car, Have a Little Fun!
Im a great believer in using every piece of equipment on the car. Every feature, every option, even if you dont need it. Fuck it, you paid for the car, use everything!
Use the sun visor. Even on a cloudy day. Flip it up, flip it down; flip it over to the side like the French people do. Lower the passengers visor, even if no one is sitting there. Open the ashtray, push in the lighter; who cares if you dont smoke? Turn all the knobs, press all the buttons. Have a lot of fun. Change the mirrors all around. Press the trunk release. Pop the hood open. Put your seat in a ridiculous position. Lower all the windows. Stick out your hand. Tell the other drivers to slow down. You have power. Use hand signals. Tell them to slow down. And then tell them to stop.
Stop! Stop!
Then let one guy go. Only one.
Okay, you can go. Go! Go! Go! No, not you! Just him! Okay, now you! Go! Go!
You have power. Use it. Fuck it. Youre makin the car payments, have a little fun.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-4 ??EAT A BOX OF COOKIES ?
Did you ever eat a whole box of cookies right in a row?
Did you ever do that? I dont mean take them into your bedroom or something. I mean open them right up in the kitchen as soon as you get home from the store and eat em while youre standing there? Just stare at the toaster while youre eatin a whole goddamn box of cookies? Did you ever do that? Isnt it great?
And did you ever notice that printed right on the cookie box it says, Open here? Well, what did they think I was gonna do? Move to Hong Kong to open up their fuckin cookies? Of course Im gonna open em here. Im gonna eat em here, Id almost have to open em here. Thank God it doesnt say, Open somewhere else. Id be up all night tryin to figure out an appropriate location.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-5 ??SHORT TAKES ?
Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someones eyes out.
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
I dont like porno movies. They piss me off. First they show a great-looking naked woman who starts playing with herself. And while Im watching, she sort of becomes my girlfriend. And then, suddenly, in walks a guy with a big dick, and he starts fucking my girlfriend. It pisses me off.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Havent we gone far enough with colored ribbons for different causes? Every cause has its own color. Red for AIDS, blue for child abuse, pink for breast cancer, green for the rain forest. Ive got a brown one. You know what it means? Eat shit, motherfucker!
I enjoy young people because theyre really fucked up and dont know what theyre doing. I like that. I support all fucked-up people regardless of age.