In that book Tuesdays with Morrie, Morrie Schwartz had Lou Gehrigs disease. But what isnt generally known is that because of a mix-up at the hospital, Lou Gehrig had Hodgkins disease, Hodgkin had Parkinsons disease, and Parkinson had Alzheimers disease. Unfortunately, Alzheimer couldnt remember whose disease he had. He thinks it might have been Wally Pipp.
Whenever you see more than two men sitting in a parked car after dark you can be sure drugs are involved.
You know what we havent had in quite a while? A really big fire in a crowded nightclub. Whats going on?
When I die I dont want to be buried, but I dont want to be cremated either. I want to be blown up. Put me on a pile of explosives and blow me up. Or throw my body from a helicopter. That would be fun. One stipulation: wherever I land, you have to leave me there. Even if its the mayors lawn. Just let me lie there. But keep the dogs away.
Isnt it nice that once your parents are dead they cant come back and start fucking with you again?
The trouble with a sitcom is that every week its the same irritating group of assholes.
People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think.
I never see any black twins. Whats the deal here?
You know what would be great? To be in a coma. Youre still alive, but you have no responsibilities.
He owes me six thousand dollars.
Hes in a coma.
Oh, okay. Never mind.
If I had my choice of how to die I would like to be sitting on the crosstown bus and suddenly burst into flames.
Have you noticed fluorescent lights seem afraid to come on? When you turn on a fluorescent light it flickers and hesitates and is sort of unsure of itself. Then after several seconds it seems to gain confidence and light up at full strength. Whats that all about? Caint these lamps receive some sort of counseling?
You know what would be fun? To fuck a grief-stricken woman.
THE CHRISTIANS ARE COMING TO GET YOU, AND THEY ARE NOT PLEASANT PEOPLE.
I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
One of my favorite things to do at a party is smoke a bunch of PCP and start taking peoples rectal temperatures without permission.
If the police never find it, is it still a clue?
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We dont mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesnt lead anywhere.
You cant argue with a good blow job.
True Fact: There is now an interactive food called SNOTSuper Nauseating Obnoxious Treat. It squirts out of a plastic dispenser that looks like a mans nose. God bless America.
Ive thought it over, and Ive decided pus is okay.
Every sixty seconds, thirty acres of rain forest
are destroyed in order to raise beef for fast-food restaurants that sell it to people, giving them strokes and heart attacks, which raise medical costs and insurance rates, providing insurance companies with more money to invest in large corporations that branch out further into the Third World so they can destroy more rain forests.
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
I have no sympathy for single dads. Most of these guys got married because they wanted steady pussy. Well, steady pussy leads to steady babies, and steady babies tend to cut down the pussy. So, once the novelty wears off, the marriage disappears. Single dads. Big fuckin deal.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-6 ??AIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENTS: ?PART ONE ?
Heres something we all have in common: flying on big airplanes and listening to the announcements. And trying to pretend the language theyre using is English. Doesnt always sound like it to me.
Preflight
It starts at the gate: Wed like to begin the boarding process. Extra word. Process. Not necessary. Boarding is sufficient. Wed like to begin the boarding. Simple. Tells the story. People add extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are. Boarding process sounds important. It isnt. Its just a group of people getting on an airplane.
To begin their boarding process, the airline announces they will preboard certain passengers. And I wonder, How can that be? How can people board before they board? This I gotta see. But before anything interesting can happen Im told to get on the plane. Sir, you can get on the plane now. And I think for a moment. On the plane? No, my friends, not me. Im not getting on the plane; Im getting in the plane! Let Evel Knievel get on the plane, Ill be sitting inside in one of those little chairs. It seems less windy in there.
Then they mention that its a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I dont care for that sort of thing. Call me old-fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport. Somehow those sudden cornfield stops interfere with the flow of my day. And just about at this point, they tell me the flight has been delayed because of a change of equipment. And deep down Im thinking, broken plane!