Handle with Care
Now, one more thing about car entry: my car has got one of them tricky kinda door handles thatre recessed a little bit into the door itself. You know the ones I mean? Where your fingers actually go in a little bit, past the surface of the car, till you grab ahold of the handle? Dont ya like them? I do. Thats why they dont make em anymore. They found out I like em. Thats the way it is with everything. They find out I like it, they stop makin it.
Open and Shut Case
Anyway, back to my car. I also got me one of them doors that when you open it, it swings a-a-a-all the way open. You know the kind I mean? A-A-A-All the way open; perpendicular to the car. I aint got one of them fancy doors that hangs out there halfway and stays where you want it to. With my door, we got two things, open and shut. Pick one.
And if I should be tryin to do somethin really tricky, like get into the car? Well, in a case like that I gotta prop the door open with a broom handle. Cause otherwise, sure as hell, soon as Im halfway in, that doors gonna swing back hard as it can and sever my leg just below the knee.
Eeeeeyyyyaaaaaaaiiiiiaaaahhhhoooooooo!
God! That shit hurts for about a year and a half, dont it? And them huge, purple blotches? Seems like they never go away.
An Up Front Guy
Now, I wanna mention one additional problem I have when Im gettin into my car. Like I told ya, its kinda old, and upkeep has been minimal, so theres another thing I gotta deal with. A long time ago, my drivers seat got pushed way up forward on the runners about as far as it goes, and apparently it aint never comin back.
You see, what happened was, years ago, about thirty or forty of them little pop-top beer-can rings got wedged into the seat tracks, and now theyre all fused into one solid piece of metal, and that fuckin seat aint never gonna move again. Unless, of course, theres an atomic attack, in which case it probably aint gonna budge more than an inch or two.
So, because of all this unintentional seat redesign, when I get into full drivin mode, Im pretty much hangin out right behind the radiator. In fact, if I wanna check my speedo, I gotta look straight down into my crotch. But, hey! At least Im in the car.
Tight Squeeze
But maybe youre not! Maybe I oughta mention one more common car reentry problem: I know that some of you fainthearted folks like to play it safe by parkin right in the mall parking lot. And, of course when you park the car, you do so in such a manner that leaves you full access to the door. But while youre in the mall chargin all that worthless merchandise, some asshole parks right next to you, leaves about six inches between cars, and now you cant get your door open more than three or four degrees at best.
So, in order to gain access, you gotta try to wedge yourself through a tiny little crack, while balancing six gift-wrapped packages, all the time maintaining the integrity of a lit cigarette hangin off your lip. Besides which, your own particular lumbar spine is not the best one God ever put together, and everybody knows that even a proper back is not made for gettin into a car under circumstances such as these.
And, by the way, as most men know, tryin to squeeze into a car in that manner also creates a potential for serious ball-injury from the steering wheel. Manys the family-planning program thats gone out the window due to poor parking. Solution: Always park way down at the far end of the lot, where the homeless people live. Your back and your balls will thank you. And the walkll do ya good.
Door #4
Anyway, at this point I think were all in the car, so now Ill just reach over here and . . . Ill just reach over here and . . . awww, shit!
Goddamn door is still wide open. Well, maybe if I lean wa-a-ay out, and stretch my arm as far as itll go; maybe without actually getting up, I can just reach out and . . . uuuuuhhhnnggh! Fuck it! It appears, folks, that today were gonna be driving with the door wide open. What the heck, its a lovely day, and they say an open drivers door actually helps you a little bit on left-hand turns. Acts like a rudder, increasing the drag factor on the port side.
Idiots and Maniacs
Okay, now were gonna be takin our little drive in just a minute or two, but first a philosophical question: Have you ever noticed that when youre drivin, anyone goin slower than you is an idiot? And anyone goin faster than you is a maniac?
Will you look at this idiot! [points right] Look at him! Just creepin along! [swings head left] Holy shit!! Look at that maniac go!
Why, I tell ya, folks, its a wonder we ever get anywhere at all these days, what with all the idiots and maniacs out there. Because no one ever drives at my speed.
Actually, I dont let people drive at my speed. If I see some guy in the next lane keepin pace with me, I slow down. I let that asshole get a little bit ahead, so I can keep an eye on him. I like to know who Im drivin near. In fact, quite often at a red light Ill ask for personal references. You can never be too careful.