Lets see, what might I try? Hmmm! Viruses might be good; these humans seem vulnerable. And viruses are tricky, always mutating and developing new strains when new medicines or vaccines are introduced. And perhaps the first virus I try could be one that compromises their immune systems. A human immunodeficiency virus that makes them vulnerable to other infections that come along. And perhaps this virus could be spread sexually, making them reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction, further reducing their numbers.
Well, I guess its a poetic notion, but its a start. And I can dream, cant I?
No, folks, I dont worry about the little things. Bees, trees, whales, snails. I dont worry about them. I think were part of a much greater wisdom. Greater than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you like. I call it The Big Electron. The Big Electron. It doesnt punish, it doesnt reward, and it doesnt judge. It just is. And so are we. For a little while. See ya.
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You know what we need? Black Jell-O.
I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So, why isnt it legal to sell fucking? Why should it be illegal to sell something thats legal to give away? I cant follow the logic. Of all the things you can do to a person, giving them an orgasm is hardly the worst. In the army they give you a medal for killing people; in civilian life you go to jail for giving them orgasms. Am I missing something?
Wouldnt it be great if you could make a guys head explode just by looking at him?
Guys dont seem to be called Lefty anymore.
JOIN THE RANKS OF THE UNCLEAN.
In someone elses house, when I sit on a warm toilet seat after seeing another person leave the bathroom, if that person was a man Im not quite comfortable. But if it was a woman I feel just fine. Unless it was a really fat or old woman. Then it feels kind of creepy.
The reason I talk to myself is that Im the only one whose answers I accept.
To my great disgust, the trend of naming children with what, until recently, had been considered surnames
continues unabated. The latest abominations: Walker, Parker, Kendall, Flynn and McKenna. God help us.
Why arent there any really disturbing pop songs, like
Tomorrow Im Gonna Fuck Your Wife?
If you were trying to clean up the world with a gun, you could sure do a lot worse than starting with a whole bunch of dead prosecutors.
I was thinking the other day that they ought to make those handicapped ramps a little steeper. And put a few curves in them, too. I could use some laughs.
Think of how entertaining it would be if all the people on TV still had their original teeth.
I think we ought to just go ahead and make zillion a real number. Gazillion, too. A zillion could be ten million trillions, and a gazillion could be a trillion zillions. It seems to me its time to do this.
A long time ago in England a guy named Thomas Culpepper was hanged, beheaded, quartered, and disemboweled. Why do I have the impression women were not involved in these activities?
I read somewhere that in Mexico City 300 tons of fecal matter are deposited in the air every day. So I guess you could say that not only does shit happen, it also falls on your head.
In Maine, in order to save energy, there are several lighthouses that are closed at night.
Whats all the fuss about same-sex marriages? Ive been the same sex all my life, and I was married for years. No problem. Whats the big deal?
I think the best home security system of all would be one that locks the burglar inside his own house.
Sometime when youre watching a street musician, walk over in the middle of a song and whisper to him that you dont like his music. Then take a dollar out of his cup and walk away.
Sometime after John Denvers airplane crashed, a sheriff on TV was speculating that a pelican had flown into the plane. He actually said, Birds are a hazard to aircraft. Funny, I always thought it was the other way around.
You know whats a fun thing to do? Go through your address book every few years and cross out the dead people.
If a group of people stand around in a circle long enough, eventually they will begin to dance.
Jesus doesnt really love you but he thinks you have a great personality.
Baseball entered its death throes when it began referring to fielding as defense.
Have Some Fun: Walk into a gift shop and tell them you came in to get your gift.
Sony would be real smart to come up with a combination CD player and colostomy bag called the Shitman.
May I ask what all these grown men are doing walking around with fruity-looking backpacks? You see some goofy, twenty-eight-year-old yuppie wearin a backpack. Like hes out prospecting for borax. Whats in these packs thats so important? The nuclear launch codes? Its embarrassing. I dont know why Ive allowed it to go on as long as I have.