Fuck Pakistan!
At least I admit it. Most people wont admit those feelings. Most people see somethin like that, they say, Ohhhh, isnt that awful? Bullshit! Lyin asshole! You love it and you know it. Explosions are fun. And the closer the explosion is to your house, the more fun it is. Have you ever noticed that?
Sometimes an announcer comes on television and says, Six thousand people were killed in an explosion today. You say, Where, where? He says, In Pakistan. You say, Aww, fuck Pakistan. Too far away to be fun. But if he says it happened in your hometown, you say, Whooa, hot shit, Dave! Cmon! Lets go down and look at the bodies!
I love bad news. Doesnt bother me. The more bad news there is, the faster this system collapses. Im glad the water sucks. You know what I do about it? I drink it! I fuckin drink it!
This Is One Bad Species
You see, Im not one of those people who worries about everything. Do you have people around you like that? The countrys full of em now. People walkin around all day, worried about everything. Worried about the air, the water, the soil, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens, radon, asbestos. Worried about saving endangered species.
Lemme tell you about endangered species. Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant human attempt to control nature. Thats what got us in trouble in the first place. Interfering with nature. Meddling. Doesnt anybody understand that?
And as far as endangered species are concerned, its a phony issue. Over 90 percent of all the species that ever lived on this planet are gone. Theyre extinct. We didnt kill them; they just disappeared. Thats what species do: they appear, and they disappear. Its natures way. Irrespective of our behavior, species vanish at the rate of twenty-five a day. Let them go gracefully. Stop interfering. Leave nature alone. Havent we done enough damage?
Were so self-important. So arrogant. Everybodys going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We dont even know how to take care of ourselves; we havent learned how to care for one another. Were gonna save the fuckin planet?
Greens Eat Shit
Im gettin tired of that shit. Im tired of fuckin Earth Day. Im tired of these self-righteous environmentalist, white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is that there arent enough bike paths. Tryin to make the world safe for their repulsive Volvos.
Besides, environmentalists dont give a shit about the planet anyway. Not really. Not in the abstract. You know what theyre interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. Thats all. Theyre worried that sometime in the future they might personally be inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesnt impress me.
And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the
people, the planet is doin great. Its been here over four billion years. Did you ever think about that? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. And weve been here for what? A hundred thousand? And weve only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred versus 4.5 billion! And we have the nerve, the conceit to think that somehow were a threat? That somehow were going to put this beautiful little blue-green ball in jeopardy?
Believe me, this planet has put up with much worse than us. Its been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, solar flares, sunspots, magnetic storms, pole reversals, planetary floods, worldwide fires, tidal waves, wind and water erosion, cosmic rays, ice ages, and hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets, asteroids, and meteors. And people think a few plastic bags and aluminum cans are going to make a difference?
See Ya!
The planet isnt goin anywhere, folks. We are! Were goin away. Pack your shit, were goin away. And we wont leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and well be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.
The planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas. And it will heal itself, because thats what the planet does; its a self-correcting system. The air and water and earth will recover and be renewed. And if plastic is really not degradable, well, most likely the planet will incorporate it into a new paradigm: The Earth Plus Plastic. Earth doesnt share our prejudice against plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. She probably sees it as one of her many children.
In fact, it could be the reason the earth allowed us to be spawned in the first place; it wanted plastic and didnt know how to make it. It needed us. That could be the answer to our age-old question: Why are we here? Plastic, assholes!
I Just Cant Shake This Cold
And so, our job is done. The plastic is here, we can now be phased out. And I think thats already begun, dont you? I mean, to be fair, the planet probably sees us as a mild threat, something to be dealt with. And Im sure it can defend itself in the manner of a large organism; the way a beehive or an ant colony would muster a defense. Im sure the planet will think of something. What would you be thinking if you were the planet, trying to defend yourself against this pesky, troublesome species?