? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-37 ??THE NOONTIME NEWS ?
In Rome today, Pope John Paul removed his little hat and revealed he has a small map of Tombstone, Arizona, tattooed on his head.
Out at the lake in City Park, police have arrested a one-armed man who was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.
Authorities say a severely disturbed geography teacher has shot and killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. He is still at large and they remind everyone the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh.
A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool.
A Detroit couple is suing Campbells soups, claiming a bowl of alphabet soup spelled out an obscene message to their children. They state that at first the little letters floated around in a circle, and then they formed the words suck my noodle.
Millionaire clothing executive Dacron Polyester died in his sleep yesterday. It was not a peaceful death, however, as he dozed off while hang-gliding.
A large dog exploded on a downtown street corner this morning. No one was killed; however, several people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that more than 600 fleas also lost their lives in the blast.
A woman in Montana was severely injured yesterday when she attempted to force-breast-feed a wolverine.
A man wearing a Have a Nice Day button was killed yesterday by a man who works at night.
The Centers for Disease Control has determined that the common cold is caused by a tall man who carries around a bag of germs.
Twenty-six people were killed this morning when two funeral processions collided. Police say the list of fatalities does not include the two people who were already dead.
The Mafia has killed an information clerk because he knew too much. His replacement, appointed today, says he has no further information.
In San Francisco, a baby has been born wearing sunglasses and holding a small can of peas.
A Milwaukee man has been arrested for the illegal use of food stamps. He was taken into custody while attempting to mail a bowl of chili to his sister.
The Bureau of Indian Affairs has announced they have located another Mohican. Accordingly, all the books are being recalled and will be changed to read: The Next to the Last of the Mohicans.
And finally, heres a Halloween prank that backfired. It seems that little thirteen-year-old Danny Obolagotz thought it would be great fun to soap the windows of all the cars on his street. He had soaped seven of them and was starting to soap the eighth, not knowing that the owner of the car, Earl Fletcher, was seated inside. Fletcher shot Danny in the head four times.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-38 ??THE PLANET IS FINE, THE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED ?
At some point, during every stage show I do, I take a sip of water and ask the audience, Hows the water here? I havent gotten a positive response yet. Not one. Last year I was in 100 different cities. Not one audience was able to give me a positive answer. Nobody trusts their water supply. Nobody.
And that amuses me. Because it means the system is beginning to collapse, beginning to break down. I enjoy chaos and disorder. Not just because they help me professionally; theyre also my hobby. Im an entropy buff.
In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately.
They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. And, of course, its not just true of nature, its true of society as well. If you look carefully, you can see that the social structure is just beginning to break down, just beginning to come apart at the seams.
The News Turns Me On
What I like about that is that it makes the news on television more exciting. I watch the news for only one thing: entertainment. Thats all I want. You know my favorite thing on television? Bad news. Accidents, disasters, catastrophes, explosions, fires. I wanna see shit being destroyed and bodies flyin around.
Im not interested in the budget, I dont care about tax negotiations, I dont wanna know what country the pope is in. But show me a burning hospital with people on crutches jumpin off the roof, and Im a happy guy. I wanna see a paint factory blowin up, an oil refinery explode, and a tornado hit a church on Sunday. I wanna be told theres a guy runnin through the Kmart shooting at customers with an automatic weapon. I wanna see thousands of people in the street killing policemen; hear about a nuclear meltdown in a big city; find out the stock market dropped 4,000 points in one day. I wanna see people under pressure!
Sirens, flames, smoke, bodies, graves being filled, parents weeping. My kinda TV! Exciting shit. I just want some entertainment! Thats the kind of guy I am. You know what I like most? Big chunks of steel, concrete and fiery wood falling out of the sky, and people running around trying to get out of the way. Exciting shit!