J: No. First of all, what with sun spots and radio interference, a lot of them dont even get through. And between you and me, we just dont have the staff to handle the workload anymore. In the old days we took pride in answering every single prayer, but like I said, there were less people. And in those days people prayed for something simple, to light a fire, to catch a yak, something like that. But today you got people praying for hockey teams, for longer fingernails, to lose weight. We just cant keep up.
I: Well, I think were about out of time. I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us.
J: Hey, no sweat.
I: Do you have any words of advice?
J: You mean like how to remove chewing gum from a suede garment? Something like that?
I: No, I mean spiritual advice.
J: Well, I dont know how spiritual it is, but Id say one thing is dont give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
I: Well, thank you, Jesus, and good night.
J: Well, good night, thanks for having me on here today. And by the way, in case anyone is interested, bell-bottoms will be coming back in the year 2015. Ciao.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-23 ??I WISH I HAD MY MONEY BACK ?
Do you ever wonder who empties the wishing wells? Thats our money. Ive never received an accounting. Its just gone. Someone, apparently, is emptying the wishing wells and keeping the money. And Im wondering whether or not that cancels out the wishes. Suppose its a wish that takes time to come true. Like if you wish some friend of yours would develop cancer. That takes time. How can it come true if your nickel has already been rolled in a wrapper and deposited in a bank?
And when does this coin retrieval take place? Im sure they dont do it on Sunday afternoon as some little girl is tossing in a penny, wishing for her daddy to come back from heaven. No, they probably do it at three in the morning, wearing black T-shirts and ski masks. I think this has gone far enough. I want to know whats going on. My friend is still perfectly healthy, and Im concerned.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-24 ??Punk Bands I Have Known ?
Tower of Swine
Room in My Shorts
Mary Krenwinkles Revenge
Sphincter Hoedown
Basket of Fire
Trees for Lunch
Glandular Imbalance
A Fine Way to Die
Lets Pull Our Eyes Out
Sewer Transaction
Cosmic Groin Pull
Pudding Disease
A Rare Twinkie
Rubber Thoughts
Vaginal Spotting
The Note Fuckers
Puke All Night
Anal Lace
Gorilla Tits
Harmony Sucks
Warts, Waffles and Walter
Mess-Kit Germ Colony
Hideous Infant
Clots on the Move
Systematic Rejection
The Stillborn
Household Pest
Breach of the Peace
Thankless Child
Persistent Rain
Days of Doubt
Sack of Shit
Hole in My Scrotum
Ed, Formerly Don
Cocaine Snot Groove
Hilda Fucks
Waitress Sweat
Infected Mole
This Band Needs Practice
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-25 ??A CAT IS NOT A DOG ?
Most people understand that cats are completely different from dogs, and generally they like them for different reasons. One quality people like in cats is their independence; they appreciate a pet who can take care of himself. I never have to do a thing. He cleans his room, makes his own clothing, and drives himself to work.
Unlike dogs, who are needy and dependent, and who like you merely
because you know where the food is located, cats dont get all hung up on fake affection. They dont go nuts and slobber all over you when you come home, the way a dog does. They parcel out a certain limited amount of physical affection from time to time, but it probably has more to do with static electricity than anything else.
Not Me!
Cats have another quality I find admirable: blamelessness. When a cat makes a mistake, he doesnt accept responsibility or show embarrassment. If he does something really stupid, like jumping onto a table and landing in four separate coffee cups, somehow he passes the whole thing off as routine. Dogs arent like that. If a dog knocks over a lamp, you can tell who did it by looking at the dog; he acts guilty and ashamed. Not the cat. When a cat breaks something, he simply moves along to the next activity.
Whats that? The lamp? Not me! Fuck that, Im a cat! Something broken? Ask the dog.
I Meant That!
A cat can make any mistake appear intentional. Have you ever seen a cat race across a room and crash into a glass door? It doesnt faze him at all.
WHIZZZ! SPLAT!!
I meant that! I actually meant that. Thats exactly what I was trying to do.
Then he limps behind the couch, holding his head:
Oh, Jesus! Fuckin me-ooow! Goddamn fuckin me-ooooooow!
Your cat is much too proud to let you see him suffer. But if you look behind the couch, youll see him recuperating from a domestic mishap.