Hi. Tried to jump from the sofa to the window. Didnt make it. Tore a ligament. Got milk?
Rub Me Tender
Cats are very tactile; they love to rub against your leg. If you own a cat, and you have a leg, youve got a happy cat.
Oh boy, oh boy! Im rubbing against his leg! How I love his leg!
If you have two legs, youve got yourself a party.
Oh boy, oh boy, two legs! Now I can do the figure eight.
They love to do the figure eight: around one leg, in between, and then around the other.
Oh boy, oh boy. Im doing the figure eight.
Hell rub against your legs even if youre not there yet. You might be twenty feet down the hall. As soon as he sees you coming he starts walking sideways. He doesnt want to miss a shot at your legs.
Oh boy, oh boy! Here he comes! Soon Ill be doing the figure eight.
His Ass Is Yours
Cats are so tactile you dont even have to do the petting. All you need is to put your hand somewhere near him, and hell lean into you and do all the work. They love to push back.
Then theres the ass trick. Did you ever stroke a cat whos lying absolutely flat, and before youve run your hand halfway down his back, his ass is sticking way up in the air? As if you pressed an ass button or something?
Isnt he a cute little . . . holy shit! How did he do that?
Or sometimes if hes on the bed with you hell climb onto your chest and stick his ass right in your face:
Hey, heres my ass! Check my ass, Daddy! Get a nice, clean look at my ass!
And then while hes showing you his ass, he starts that kneading thing with his paws; like hes playin the piano. God, I hate that.
Get him offa me! Jesus, I hate that! I dont even know what it is, and I hate that. Its as if he got hold of some bad drugs. What is that?
Its an instinctive nursing behavior, honey. He misses his mommy.
You always say that. You said that about the mailman.
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Fido Doesnt Care
Dogs have no priorities or schedules. You rarely see a dog with a wristwatch. Most things they do they will do anywhere, at any time. Except for the things you teach them not to do:
Laszlo! Dont ever do that again. If you do Ill beat the shit out of you!
They do catch on to suggestions like that.
But basically, a dog doesnt care what he does. Hell simply do whatevers next. He doesnt really know whats next, but hell think of something.
He might even do two things in a row that dont go together. Did yever see a dog trotting through a room, apparently headed somewhere, and suddenly he stops and chews his back for about eight minutes? As if the whole thing were scheduled for that exact moment? And then finally, when hes finished chewing, he forgets where he was going in the first place and just sort of looks around, confused.
Lets see, where was I goin? Shit, I forget. Seemed important at the time. Well, I guess Ill just lie down here under this chair. Hey, its nice under here. I must do this more often.
He doesnt know, and he doesnt care.
A Little Light Buffet
Like I say, hell do anything
at any time. He might even embarrass you when you have company.
You might have some folks over to the house; folks you dont know that well; people youre tryin to impress. Hell, you might even be tryin to borrow money from one of these assholes.
And all these people are sittin around the living room, and youve put out some chips and a little dip, carrot sticks, maybe a little light buffet, and everybody is eating nicely and chatting politely, and the dog is lying there on the floor, in full view.
And suddenly, you glance over, and realize that the dog . . . is licking . . . his balls! Vigorously! Big, long, loving licks, in full view of everyone. And no one is saying a word.
Remember now, a spectacular thing is taking place: a naked, living creature is administering a modified form of autofellatio in the presence of strangers. Not only is it a spectacular act, its difficult to do. If I could do that Id never leave the house.
And yet it goes unremarked. And if someone does say something, its usually innocuous.
Look. Isnt he cute? Hes taking a bath.
No, Carla, thats not a bath. Thats called licking your balls. If thats a bath, Id have to say its a mighty selective one. Hes been on that one spot for over an hour now.
Then the dog trots over and starts to lick your face.
No, no! No, Bruno! Down! Down, Bruno! Nice doggie!
Oh, dont worry about it. Dont you know they have the cleanest mouth of any animal?
Well, Im not a chemist, Velma. Im just basing my judgment on his most recent activity, which youll recall was licking his balls.
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Heres a word you dont see anymore: foodstuffs. I wish it would make a comeback.
Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would the oath still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone?