I: Well, that brings up the Apostles. What can you tell us about the Apostles?
J: They smelled like bait, but they were a good bunch of guys. Thirteen of them we had.
I: Thirteen? The Bible says there were only twelve.
J: Well, that was according to Luke. I told you about Luke. Actually, we had thirteen. We had Peter, James, John, Andrew, Phillip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James, thats a different James, Thaddeus. How many is that?
I: Thats ten.
J: Simon, Judas, and Red.
I: Red?
J: Yeah, Red the Apostle.
I: Red the Apostle doesnt appear in the Bible.
J: Nah, Red kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any of the weddings. He was a little strange; he thought the Red Sea was named after him.
I: And what about Judas?
J: Dont get me started on Judas. A completely unpleasant person, okay?
I: Well, what about the other Apostles, say for instance, Thomas, was he really a doubter?
J: Believe me, this guy Thomas, you couldnt tell him nothin. He was always asking me for ID. Soon as I would see him, he would go, You got any ID? To this day he doesnt believe Im God.
I: And are you God?
J: Well, partly. Im a member of the Trinity.
I: Yes. In fact, youre writing a book about the Trinity.
J: Thats right, its called Threes a Crowd.
I: As I understand it, its nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the Holy Ghost.
J: Listen, its not an attack, okay? It happens I dont get along with the Holy Ghost. So I leave him alone. Thats it. What he does is his business.
I: Whats the reason?
J: Well, first of all, hes a wise guy. Every time he shows up, he appears as somethin different. One day hes a dove, another day hes a tongue of fire. Always foolin around. I dont bother with the guy. I dont wanna know about him, I dont wanna see him, I dont wanna talk to him.
I: Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called hell?
J: Oh yeah, theres a hell, all right. Theres also a heck. Its not as severe as hell, but weve got a heck and a hell.
I: What about purgatory?
J: No, I dont know about no purgatory. We got heaven, hell, heck, and limbo.
I: What is limbo like?
J: I dont know. No one is allowed in. If anyone was in there it wouldnt be limbo, it would just be another place.
I: Getting back to your previous visit, what can you tell us about the Last Supper?
J: Well, first of all, if Ida known I was gonna be crucified, I woulda had a bigger meal. You never want to be crucified on an empty stomach. As it was, I had a little salad and some veal.
I: The crucifixion must have been terrible.
J: Oh yeah, it was awful. Unless you went through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was. And tiring. It was very, very tiring. But I think more than anything else, it was embarrassing. You know, in front of all those people, to be crucified like that. But, I guess it redeemed a lot of people. I hope so. It would be a shame to do it for no reason.
I: Were you scared?
J: Oh yeah. I was afraid it was gonna rain; I thought for sure I would get hit by lightning. One good thing, though, while I was up there I had a really good view; I could actually see my house. Theres always a bright side.
I: And then three days later you rose from the dead.
J: Hows that?
I: On Easter Sunday. You rose from the dead, didnt you?
J: Not that I know of. I think I would remember something like that. I do remember sleeping a long time after the crucifixion. Like I said, it was very tiring. I think what mighta happened was I passed out, and they thought I was dead. We didnt have such good medical people in those days. It was mostly volunteers.
I: And, according to the Bible, forty days later you ascended into heaven.
J: Pulleys! Ropes, pulleys, and a harness. I think it was Simon came up with a great harness thing that went under my toga. You couldnt see it at all. Since that day, I been in Heaven, and, all in all, I would have to say that while I was down here I had a really good time. Except for the suffering.
I: And what do you think about Christianity today?
J: Well, Im a little embarrassed by it. I wish they would take my name off it. If I had the whole thing to do over, I would probably start one of those Eastern religions like Buddha.
Buddha was smart. Thats how come hes laughing.
I: You wouldnt want to be a Christian?
J: No, I wouldnt want to be a member of any group whose symbol is a man nailed onto some wood. Especially if its me. Buddhas laughing, meanwhile Im on the cross.
I: I have a few more questions, do you mind?
J: Hey, be my guest, how often do I get here?
I: Are there really angels?
J: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago we had millions of them. Today you cant get the young people to join. It got too dangerous with all the radar and heat-seeking missiles.
I: What about guardian angels? Are there such things?
J: Yes, we still have guardian angels, but now, with the population explosion, its one angel for every six people. Years ago everybody had his own angel.
I: Do you really answer prayers?