Everywhere you look there are families with too many vehicles. You see them on the highways in their RVs. But apparently the RVs arent enough, because behind
them theyre towing motorboats, go-carts, dune buggies, dirt bikes, jet-skis, snowmobiles, parasails, hang gliders, hot-air balloons, and small, two-man, deep-sea diving bells. The only thing these people lack is lunar excursion modules. Doesnt anybody take a fuckin walk anymore?
The older a person gets, the less they care what they wear. Old people come up with some of the strangest clothing combinations youll ever see. I think of it as cancer of the clothing.
Were not supposed to mention fucking in mixed company, but thats exactly where it takes place.
The other day I was thinking of how many peanuts elephants owe us. Personally, Im down about twenty-three or twenty-four bags.
Did you ever start hittin a guy with a big club for no reason? Just walk up to him and start beatin him over the head with a big, heavy club? Its great, isnt it?
If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-22 ??INTERVIEW WITH JESUS ?
Interviewer: Ladies and Gentlemen, were privileged to have with us a man known around the world as the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ.
Jesus: Thats me.
I: How are you, Jesus?
J: Fine, thanks, and let me say its great to be back.
I: Why, after all this time, have you come back?
J: Mostly nostalgia.
I: Can you tell us a little bit about the first time you were here?
J: Well, theres not much to tell. I think everybody knows the story by now. I was born on Christmas. And actually, that always bothered me, because I only got one present. You know, if I was born a couple of months earlier I wouldve got two presents. But look, Im not complaining. After all, its only material goods.
I: Theres a story that there were three wise men.
J: Well, there were three kings who showed up. I dont know how wise they were. They didnt look very wise. They said they followed a star. That dont sound wise to me.
I: Didnt they bring gifts?
J: Yes. Gold, frankincense, and I believe, myrrh, which I never did find out what that was. You dont happen to know what myrrh is, do you?
I: Well, I believe its a reddish-brown, bitter gum resin.
J: Oh, great. Just what I need. What am I gonna do with a gum resin? Id rather have the money, that way I could buy something I need. You know, something I wouldnt normally buy for myself.
I: What would that be?
J: Oh, I dont know. A bathing suit. I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat. Possibly a bicycle. I really coulda used a bicycle. Do you realize all the walking I did? I mustve crossed Canaan six, eight times. Up and down, north and south, walking and talking, doin miracles, tellin stories.
I: Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?
J: Well, leaving out the loaves and the fishes, a total of 107 miracles.
I: Why not the loaves and the fishes?
J: Well, technically that one wasnt a miracle.
I: It wasnt?
J: No, it turns out a lot of people were putting them back. They were several days old. And besides, not all those miracles were pure miracles anyway.
I: What do you mean? If they werent miracles, what were they?
J: Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis. Sometimes people were hallucinatin. I even used acupressure. Thats how I cured most of the blind people, acupressure.
I: So not all of the New Testament is true.
J: Naaah. Some of the gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lot of drugs. Luke was a physician, and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything.
I: What about raising Lazarus from the dead?
J: First of all, he wasnt dead, he was hungover. Ive told people that.
I: But in the Bible you said he was dead.
J: No! I said he looked dead. I said, Jeez, Peter, this guy looks dead! You see, Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper, plus the day before we had been to a wedding feast, and he had put away a lot of wine.
I: Ahhh! Was that the wedding feast at Cana, where you changed the water into wine?
J: I dont know. We went to an awful lot of wedding feasts in those days.
I: But did you ever really turn water into wine?
J: Not that I know of. One time I turned apple juice into milk, but I dont recall the water and wine.
I: All right, speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle. What about walking on water? Did that really happen?
J: Oh yeah, that was one that really happened. You see,
the problem was, I could do it, and the other guys couldnt. They were jealous. Peter got so mad at me he had these special shoes made, special big shoes, that if you started out walkin real fast you could stay on top of the water for a while. Then, of course, after a few yards, badda-boom, down he goes right into the water. He sinks like a rock. Thats why I called him Peter. Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I shall build my church.