Can anyone explain to me the need for one-hour photo finishing? You just saw the fuckin thing! How can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept like a little while ago?
I tried to give up heroin, but my efforts were all in vein.
When I was a boy, on Good Friday in my parish, in order to dramatize the extent of Jesus suffering, a group of the priests used to get together and crucify one of the children.
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that its hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
What is all this shit about Dick Clark not looking his age? Take a closer look.
You know my favorite play in baseball? The bean ball. Its great, isnt it? Its dramatic. Especially if the guy is really hurt. Sometimes the ball hits the helmet, and you feel kind of disappointed. Even though it makes a good loud noise.
Do you ever open the dictionary right to the page you want? Doesnt that feel good?
Heres my idea for another one of those reality-based TV shows: No Survivors! One by one, a psychopathic serial killer tracks down and kills all of the Survivor survivors. Think of it as a public service.
As far as Im concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief thats worth believing.
People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, its really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesnt want you to know.
How soon can we begin to execute these yuppie half-wits who name their golden retrievers Jake and put red bandannas around their necks? Apparently, this is viewed as amusing or ironic or some other quality yuppies value highly. It isnt amusing; its precious, half-wit bullshit.
They say only 10 percent of the brains function is known. Apparently, the function of the remaining 90 percent is to keep us from discovering its function.
Ethnic-wise, Ill tell you this: if I hadnt turned out to be Irish, I wouldve really liked to be a guinea.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Im tired of hearing about innocent victims. Its fiction. If you live on this planet youre guilty, period, fuck you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.
I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-18 ??AIRPORT SECURITY ?
Im getting tired of all this security at the airport. Theres too much of it. Im tired of some fat chick with a double-digit IQ and a triple-digit income rootin around inside my bag for no reason and never finding anything. Havent found anything yet. Havent found one bomb in one bag. And dont tell me, Well, the terrorists know their bags are going to be searched, so now theyre leaving their bombs at home. There are no bombs! The whole thing is fuckin pointless.
And its completely without logic. Theres no logic at all. Theyll take away a gun, but let you keep a knife! Well, what the fuck is that? In fact, theres a whole list of lethal objects they will allow you to take on board. Theoretically, you could take a knife, an ice pick, a hatchet, a straight razor, a pair of scissors, a chain saw, six knitting needles, and a broken whiskey bottle, and the only thing theyd say to you is, That bag has to fit all the way under the seat in front of you.
And if you didnt take a weapon on board, relax. After youve been flying for about an hour, theyre gonna bring you a knife and fork! They actually give you a fucking knife! Its only a table knifebut you could kill a pilot with a table knife. It might take you a couple of minutes. Especially if hes hefty. But you could get the job done. If you really wanted to kill the prick.
Shit, there are a lot of things you could use to kill a guy with. You could probably beat a guy to death with the Sunday New York Times. Or suppose you just had really big hands, couldnt you strangle a flight attendant? Shit, you could probably strangle two of them, one with each hand. That is, if you were lucky enough to catch em in that little kitchen area. Just before they break out the fuckin peanuts. But you could get the job done. If you really cared enough.
So, why is it they allow a man with big, powerful hands to get on board an airplane? Ill tell you why. They know hes not a security risk, because hes already answered the three big questions. Question number one:
Did you pack your bags yourself?
No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely lobster Newburg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way around-the-world, and then they packed my bags. Next question.
Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?
No. Usually the night before I traveljust as the moon is risingI place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there, unattended, for several hours. Just for good luck. Next question.