Forget the Volvo, shes listening to public radio, and drives the way she liveswith fear and caution. Youll also want to avoid that Toyota with the fish symbol; Christians drive as though Jesus himself was a traffic cop. And, by all means, ignore the Lexus with the heavily made-up, bejeweled pig-woman. She has the reflexes of an aging panda.
Ahhhhh! Heres the correct machine to get behind: a Camaro with four different shades of primer paint and a bumper sticker that says I DATE MY SISTER. This guys a real risk-taker; full of crank, and on his way to an AC/DC concert. Youll be home before you know it.
Goin Home
Now, one last reminder before I tow this trusty little shit-box of mine into the shop for its bimonthly overhaul. And this should go without saying. Thats why Im going to say it: Drinking and driving dont mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-16 ??HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO, ITS OFF TO WORK WE GO ?
What wine goes with Capn Crunch? I have trouble selecting a wine in the morning. Sometimes I give up, smoke a bong full of Froot Loops, and just go back to bed. Try that sometime. Smoke a bong full of Froot Loops, go back to bed, and watch the midmorning movie. Call your boss and tell him you smoked some Froot Loops, youre watching a movie, and youll be in around 2:30. That is, if you feel like it.
Thats the way you handle a boss. You cant take shit from someone just because you work for him. Let him know who the real boss is. Tell him its your job, and youll do it your way. Thats what bosses likepeople with spunk. Act the same way when you go in for a job interview. Let em know what kind of person you are. Have a beer opener and some swizzle sticks sticking out of your breast pocket. Put a little confetti in your hair. Tell them your primary career is partying and work is kind of a sideline.
Tell the interviewer youll need an office near the front door so you can leave in a hurry at five oclock.
I aint stickin around this fuckin place after hours, Ill tell you that right now.
Let him know whats happening. Tell him you hope its not one of those chicken-shit places where they dock your pay just for taking off Mondays and Fridays.
Then, if you still dont have the job, point to the picture on his desk and say, Whos the cunt? Thatll clinch it. Youll probably have a nice long career with that firm. Once all your medical procedures have been completed.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-17 ??SHORT TAKES ?
In the expression topsy-turvy, what exactly is meant by turvy?
Id like to pass along a piece of wisdom my first-grade teacher shared with us kids. She said, You show me a tropical fruit, and Ill show you a cocksucker from Guatemala. Ill always remember that.
Im curious, what precisely is Zsa Zsa Gabors job title?
If free trade can really turn all these Third World countries into thriving economies full of entrepreneurs and investors, whos gonna clean the fuckin toilets around here?
You know whats fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.
Im happy to say that during the 2000 Olympics I missed every single event without exception, managing even to avoid all the clips shown on newscasts. And although I sometimes watch NBC and MSNBC for other reasons, this time, whenever I ventured into those two locations it was with the remote control firmly in hand, ready to change channels instantly, in the event that depressing Olympic theme music or those repulsive five rings suddenly showed up.
If it requires a uniform its a worthless endeavor.
True Stuff There is actually a TV commercial in Las Vegas that advertises a service called Discount Bankruptcy.
There is now a Starbucks in my pants.
As long as youve decided to drink all day theres nothing wrong with starting early in the morning.
Odd Fact When two women with different colored hair walk together on a sidewalk, the one with the darker hair will always be positioned closest to the curb.
I hope were not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.
I like the fact that rap musicians are murdering each other. I dont have a problem with rap music, its just that I like the idea of celebrities killing each other. Wouldnt it be great if Dan Rather snuck up on Tom Brokaw during the news and stabbed him in the head? Or imagine Julie Andrews putting rat poison in Liza Minnellis triple vodka when she gets up to take a shit at Sardis. Heres a great one: Richard Simmons and Louie Anderson grab Rosie ODonnell and choke her to death. Its just fun to think about, isnt it?
Tennis tip You get a better return of serve if you let the ball bounce twice before hitting it.
People on a diet should have a salad dressing called 250 Islands.