Holy shit! Howd I get back here? This is where I was a coupla minutes ago!
Apparently, you have to pay attention even at the red lights. I thought surely they were for resting. You know, drive a little, rest a little, drive a little, rest a little. Seemed that way to me. Guess not.
Oh, Brother!
Heres a little red-light story somebody told me a long time ago. This guys drivin along, hes got someone sittin right next to him in the passenger seat, and he goes straight through a red light. ZOOOOM!
Passenger says, Whaddaya doin?
Driver says, Never mind! My brother drives like this.
They go a little farther, and come to another red light. ZOOM! Guy goes right through it!
Whaddaya doin?
Will you stop? I told ya, my brother drives like this.
He keeps on goin, and now he comes to a green light. He slams on the brakes.
Whaddaya doin?
Well, you never know. My brother might be comin the other way!
Turn, Turn, Turn
Now, a couple of things to remember when youre out in traffic. First of all, never get behind anybody weird. Yever get stuck behind a guy whose turn signal has been on for about eighty miles? And youre thinkin to yourself, Well, maybe hes just a really cautious man. Im not gonna pass him now, he may turn at any moment.
And later you discover he was driving around the worldto the left!
Slow Dancin in the Fast Lane
Another pain in the ass you dont want to get behind is anyone who drives real sss-l-l-l-o-o-o-ww. Boy, thats good for your arteries, isnt it? Someone really . . . really . . . sss-l-l-l-o-o-o-ww!
There are two classes of drivers in this category. The first is any four-foot woman in a Cadillac whose head you cannot see. This is certain death. At first you think, Well, maybe its a remote-controlled, experimental robot car. No, I can see tiny knuckles on the wheel and a small patch of blue hair. At this point I take no chances; I pull over immediately and take public transportation. Im not about to fuck with a ghost car; let someone else flag down the Flying Dutchman, its not my job.
Another driver you dont want to get behind is any man over seventy wearing a flannel cap with earflaps. In August. Keep your distance! Because, folks, you know how pissed you can get. Even though you think youre a mighty cool customer, you do get mighty pissed out there.
Gettin Even
Dont you occasionally wish that instead of having headlights you had a couple of 50-caliber machine guns on the front of your car? So you could send several hundred rounds of burning lead into that slow-movin gas guzzler up ahead? Just incinerate the motherfucker and get his ass off the road permanently?
Or dont you wish you were driving a rented
car, so you could bash the asshole in the rear end, pay the deductible, and be done with the whole goddamn thing? BAM! BAM! BAM!
Dont mind me, folks. Im just tryin to ease him into second gear. BAM! BAM! BAM!
God, it would do my heart good.
Or if the offender is directly behind you, wouldnt it be nice to have an electronic message board that would rise up out of the trunk of your car and let you type in any message you like? ATTENTION, ASSHOLE! YOU DRIVE LIKE OLD PEOPLE FUCK. SLOW AND SLOPPY!
You Light Up My life
Speakin of behind you, dont you just love it when theres one of those guys on your tail whose brights are on? Isnt that a treat? Some shit-stain who just had his headlights aimed and wants you to see what a wonderful job his mechanic did? You know how you handle a guy like that? Slam on your brakes and let him plow right into you. It might cost you a little money, but it sure puts them fuckin lights out in a hurry. Let him find his way home in the dark.
Volume Control
Does this ever happen to you? Youre driving through heavy downtown traffic, block to block, street to street. Busy area. People hurryin home at five oclock. Maybe its winter, and its already dark, raining a little bit. You got the window open, and you can hear the rain and the traffic noise. People honkin at each other. Got the radio on. Got the windshield wipers going. Everythings happening at once: radio, rain, wipers, horns, trafficlots of noise. And youre just trying to get across town to run an errand. And then, after all kinds of hassles, you get over there and park the car, turn off the key, go inside, and take care of business. And then when you come back out to the car and turn on the key, THE GODDAMN RADIO IS THIS LOUD!!!
And you sit there, stunned, thinking to yourself, Could I . . . possibly . . . have been . . . listening to that?
Whats My Lane?
Heres one of those things you have to do every time you drive, especially if youre in a hurry. It happens as you approach a red light, and find several lanes of cars ahead of you. As you roll up to the pack, you have to decide which lane to get into. You have to guess which car looks like a good bet to take off quickly, so you can move out fast when the light turns green. With half a block to go you have to decide whos the really fast asshole in this group up ahead.