Whats happened is, these baby boomers, these soft, fruity baby boomers, have raised an entire generation of soft, fruity kids who arent even allowed to have hazardous toys, for Chrissakes! Hazardous toys, shit! Whatever happened to natural selection? Survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesnt grow up to have kids of his own. Simple stuff. Nature knows best!
Were saving entirely too many lives in this countryof all ages! Nature should be permitted to do its job weeding out and killing off the weak and sickly and ignorant people, without interference from airbags and batting helmets. Were lowering the human gene pool! If these ideas bother you, just think of them as passive eugenics.
New Math
Heres another example of overprotection for these kids, and youve seen this one on the news. Did you ever notice that every time some guy with an AK-47 strolls into the school yard and kills three or four of these fuckin kids and a couple of teachers, the next day the school is overrun with psychologists and psychiatrists and grief counselors and trauma therapists, trying to help the children cope?
Shit! When I was a kid, and some guy came to our school and killed three or four of us, we went right on with our arithmetic: Thirty-five classmates minus four equals thirty-one. We were tough! I say if a kid can handle the violence at home, he oughta be able to handle the violence at school.
Out of Uniform
Another bunch of ignorant bullshit about your children: school uniforms. Bad theory! The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps keep order. Hey! Dont these schools do enough damage makin all these children think alike? Now theyre gonna get em to look alike, too?
And its not even a new idea; I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand, because the narration was in German! But the uniforms looked beautiful. And the children did everything they were told and never questioned authority. Gee, I wonder why someone would want to put our children in uniforms. Cant imagine.
And one more item about children: this superstitious nonsense of blaming tobacco companies for kids who smoke. Listen! Kids dont smoke because a camel in sunglasses tells them to. They smoke for the same reasons adults do, because its an enjoyable activity that relieves anxiety and depression.
And youd be anxious and depressed too if you had to put up with pathetic, insecure, yuppie parents who enroll you in college before youve even figured out which side of the playpen smells the worst and then fill you full of Ritalin to get you in a mood they approve of, and drag you all over town in search of empty, meaningless structure: Little League, Cub Scouts, swimming, soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes, watercolors, witchcraft, glass blowing, and dildo practice. Its absurd.
They even have play dates, for Christs sake! Playing is now done by appointment! Whatever happened to You show me your wee-wee, and Ill show you mine? You never hear that anymore.
But its true. A lot of these striving, anal parents are burning their kids out
on structure. I think what every child needs and ought to have every day is two hours of daydreaming. Plain old daydreaming. Turn off the Internet, the CD-ROMs, and the computer games and let them stare at a tree for a couple of hours. Its good for them. And you know something? Every now and then they actually come up with one of their own ideas. You want to know how you can help your kids? Leave them the fuck alone!
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-15 ??CARS AND DRIVING: PART TWO ?
Reverse Logic
Heres an embarrassing driving situation, the kind of thing that can haunt you for several hundred miles. One of those incidents you cant just shake off. Like the time you almost got killed by the big tractor-trailer, and had to pull off the road for about twenty minutes and listen to your heart slamming up against your rib cage? BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! Well, this next thing is just like that, but this is one you do all by yourself.
Did you ever pull up to a red light, and go a little bit too far into the intersection? Just a few extra feet? So, you put the car in reverse and back up ju-u-u-u-st a little bit. And then you forget the car is in reverse? And so you sit there, innocently, waiting for the light to change. Looking around. Eager to get movin again. Dont wanna keep the proctologist waiting. Da-dum, da-dum, dee-dee, da-dum.
At this point, folks, you are truly an accident waiting to happen. An insurance claim in progress. So, you sit some more, and you sit some more, and you wait, and you wait, and you wait. And you stare at the red light, and you look over at the woman on the right adjustin her tits, and you look at the guy on the left pickin his nose, and then finallyfinallythe light changes and off you go! CRASH! CRUNCH! CRUMPLE! TINKLE! Directly backward into the grille of what was formerly a cute little red Yugo.