Road rage, air rage. Why should I be forced to divide my rage into separate categories? To me, its just one big, all-around, everyday rage. I dont have time for fine distinctions. Im busy screaming at people.
Theres something I like about the clitoris, but I cant quite put my finger on it.
Driving is fun. Did you ever run over a guy? And then you panic? So you back up and run over him again? You ever notice the second crunch is not as loud as the first? I think its because the guy already has tread marks on him. But there he is, lyin right in front of your car. Might as well run over him again. Whatre you gonna do this time, drive around him?
When Ronald Reagan got Alzheimers disease, how could they tell?
Sometimes they say the winds are calm. Well, if theyre calm, theyre not really winds, are they?
I think a good title for a travel book would be Doorway to Norway.
Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.
Would somebody please tell me what is so sacred about the Lincoln Bedroom? If it were the Ulysses S. Grant Bedroom, do you think people wouldve been as annoyed that Clinton rented it out to campaign donors? No. Its just the bullshit Lincoln myth that caused the uproar.
Why do they keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say, and basically no one gives a fuck.
Murder investigators say that in most cases husbands kill wives, wives kill husbands, children kill parents, and parents kill children. Thank God for a little sanity in the world.
Regarding the Boy Scouts, Im very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
If there really are multiple universes, what do they call the thing theyre all a part of?
Where did this idea come from that if youre a celebrity, and something bad happens to you, you have to devote your life to eliminating the same problem for everyone else? Michael J. Fox, Christopher Reeve, Mary Tyler Moore; they all work on curing their own afflictions. Why doesnt a celebrity with milk leg ever do something about dandy fever? How about an actor with woolsorters disease raising money for the victims of swimming pool granuloma? Thats the trouble with Hollywood, no imagination.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-14 ??YOUR CHILDREN ARE OVERRATED ?
Something else Im getting tired of in this country is all this stupid bullshit I have to listen to about children. Thats all you hear anymore, children: Help the children, save the children, protect the children. You know what I say? Fuck the children! Fuck em! Fuck kids; theyre getting entirely too much attention.
And I know what some of you are thinking: Jesus, hes not going to attack children, is he? Yes he is! Hes going to attack children. And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking; I know what Im talking about.
And I also know that all you boring single dads and working moms, who think youre such fuckin heroes, arent gonna like this, but somebodys gotta tell you for your own good: your children are overrated and overvalued, and youve turned them into little cult objects. You have a child fetish, and its not healthy. And dont give me all that weak shit, Well, I love my children. Fuck you! Everybody loves their children; it doesnt make you special.
John Wayne Gacy loved his children. Yes, he did. He kept em all right out in the yard,
near the garage. Thats not what Im talking about. What Im talking about is this constant, mindless yammering in the media, this neurotic fixation that suggests somehow everythingeverythinghas to revolve around the lives of children. Its completely out of balance.
Lets Get Real
Listen, there are a couple of things about kids you have to remember. First of all, theyre not all cute. In fact, if you look at em real close, most of them are rather unpleasant looking. And a lot of them dont smell too good either. The little ones in particular seem to have a kind of urine and sour-milk combination that I dont care for at all. Stay with me on this folks, the sooner you face it the better off youre gonna be.
Second premise: not all children are smart and clever. Got that? Kids are like any other group of people: a few winners, a whole lot of losers! This country is filled with loser kids who simply . . . arent . . . going anywhere! And theres nothing you can do about it, folks. Nothing! You cant save em all. You cant do it. You gotta let em go; you gotta cut em loose; you gotta stop overprotecting them, because youre making em too soft. Todays kids are way too soft.
Safe and Sorry
For one thing, theres too much emphasis on safety and safety equipment: childproof medicine bottles, fireproof pajamas, child restraints, car seats. And helmets! Bicycle, baseball, skateboard, scooter helmets. Kids have to wear helmets now for everything but jerking off. Grown-ups have taken all the fun out of being a kid, just to save a few thousand lives. Its pathetic.