Will They Buy this Bullshit?
Its the same in the business world. Everyone knows by now all businessmen are completely full of shit; the worst kind of lowlife, criminal cocksuckers you can expect to meet. And the proof is, they dont even trust each other!
When a businessman sits down to negotiate with another businessman, the first thing he does is assume the other guy is a complete lying prick whos trying to fuck him out of his money. So he does everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. And he does it with a big smile on his face. That big, bullshit businessmans smile.
And if youre a customer, thats when they give you the really big smile! The customer always gets that really big smile as the businessman carefully positions himself directly behind the customer, unzips his pants, and proceeds to service the account.
Im servicing this account . . .
[pelvic thrust!]
This customer . . .
[thrust]
needs
[thrust!]
service!
[thrust, thrust, thrust!]
Now you know what they mean when they say, We specialize in customer service. Whoever first said, Let the buyer beware was probably bleeding from the asshole. But thats business. Thats business, and business is okay.
Bullshit from the Sky
But folks, I have to tell you, in the bullshit department a businessman cant hold a candle to a clergyman. Because when it comes to bullshit. Big-time, major-league bullshit. You have to stand in awein awe!of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion. No contest.
Religioneasilyhas the Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Told! Think about it: religion has actually convinced peoplemany of them adultsthat theres an invisible man who lives in the sky and watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And who has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do.
And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to remain and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, till the end of time. But he loves you!
He loves you, and he needs money! He always needs money. Hes all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, but somehow . . . he just cant handle money. Religion takes in billions of dollars, pays no taxes, and somehow always needs a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy shit!
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Do you ever get that strange feeling of vuja de? Not déja` vu; vuja de. Its the distinct sense that, somehow, something that just happened has never happened before. Nothing seems familiar. And then suddenly the feeling is gone. Vuja de.
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.
I have a problem with married people who carry their babies in backpacks or frontpacks or slings, or whatever those devices are called. Those baby-carrying devices that seem designed to leave the parents hands free to sort through merchandise. Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Natural Fibers, is it too much trouble to ask you to hold the fuckin kid? Are you so busy picking out consumer goods and reaching for your credit card that you cant hold the baby? Its not an accessory or a small appliance. Its a baby.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably its because at that moment theyre not actually dying.
You know what I like about the American form of government? Theyve worked things out so that youre never far from a 7-Eleven.
You know what you never hear about? A bunch of Jews being hit by a tornado.
Dont you hate it when people send you unsolicited pictures of their kids? Whats that all about? It bothers me. I hate to keep throwing away perfectly good pictures.
When I see a guy with hair on his back I immediately relegate him to the animal kingdom.
Every six minutes
theres a rape in this country, and boy, is my dick sore. Im tellin ya, every day, house to house, theres no letup. Its a fuckin hassle.
I havent eaten an ice cream sandwich in forty-seven years.
Next time you see Bing Crosby playing a priest in a movie, picture him beating his children in real life.
Ive never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
Heres some fun: Run into a bakery and ask if they can bake a cake in the shape of a penis. Theyre never quite sure; they always have to have a meeting.
Well, I dont know. Wait just a moment.
While theyre talking, pull out your schwanz and wave it all around.
Good Lord, Helen! Quick! Order extra flour!
I dont think we should be governing ourselves. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the kings not doing a good job, we kill him.
So far, this is the oldest Ive been.
I think someone could make a lot of money if they set up a little stand at the Grand Canyon and sold Yo-Yos with 500-foot strings.