Together with my husband, we decided to give our children a certain sum of money every week. But sometimes we just dont have it. I dont know if we can tell our children that we dont have money or our agreement is more important and if we have promised we should provide them with this sum of money.
When you decide to give children a certain sum of money every week, think first if you have such opportunity every week. If this sum of money appears once every three years, dont promise anything. But once you have promised, you have to fulfill commitments.
I need to travel on business, but I have nobody to stay with my daughter because she doesnt want to go with me. I understand that its better to interest her somehow than to force, but sometimes I dont have any desire to fancy something, to picture how thrilling and fascinating the trip may be. Can I act straightforward?
If you have an opportunity to deal, do it. If you dont have such an opportunity, but you must go, dont play, dont pretend be honest. Accept the fact that there is no opportunity to deal and start direct actions take your daughter; put her in the car and drive. Explain to your child that there is no use in crying, that you must go anyway and after a while the child will understand, that its really useless to cry and will stop doing it.
How to teach a child to eat the right food? She doesnt like what we eat, so I cant teach her with my personal example. Do I have the only way out be firm?
The child definitely wont like what you impose on her, and its OK. To teach with your own example means doing something not for the public, but for yourself. I always eat only what I like, but not the food the doctors recommend. Once my daughter came to me and said, «Granny says yogurt is useful.» «Do you like it?» «Yes.» «This is the most important.» I devalue such notions like «useful» or «harmful» for her to choose what she likes, because there is no «right food» it all depends on who is selling food today. Childrens tastes may not coincide with the parents ones and there are no universal values. Even the statement that porridge is useful sometimes doesnt work and it turns out that porridge does harm to some people. If something is useful for 80 per cent of people, should the remaining 20 per cent suffer and eat this? Nutrition is very individual. Offer some choice to a child and watch what she chooses, what she is inclined to. You cant pull the child into the «healthy nutrition,» but you can create some interest to it. If you dont want your child to eat fast food, dont have such food at home. I dont forbid my daughter to drink Cola, but I never drink it myself and I have never bought it in my life. Show the value of the food you prefer, be meaningful about how important it is to eat the right food, talk to your children, and fancy a story about healthy nutrition. Show a fat woman and ask: «Do you want to look like this?» «No.» «Then dont eat pizza eight times a day.» Through visualization, through clarity you will reach your goal faster than through prohibition. Banning produces a different effect love for what you hate. If you force you get the resistance. Thats why some parents are surprised that at home their children eat the right food, but when they go away to the university they start eating pizza and drinking soda. That happens because when they lived at home the parents were making them pretend and spoon-fed with their «right» food.
How to introduce discipline as the way of life in the family? On the one hand we are all unique and individual, but on the other I dont want to turn family life into chaos. How to introduce some general rules and traditions?
Discipline doesnt suppress uniqueness. Discipline is a necessary condition to survive. To breathe is the discipline of life. If you dont breathe you die, it is not discussed, it is accepted and fulfilled easily. The same is true in the family. If there are rules, but they are not fulfilled easily, they cant become the discipline, because they are not accepted as values by the family members. Its a great spiritual, noble and important task to create family traditions and make your family a clan. First there should be clarity you have to explain the meaning of the traditions, so that everybody would understand the advantages of following these rules. Discipline is not an implicit subordination, but a necessary condition. In my family I created traditions of acceptance, respect and love. So all family members know that if one of us is busy, they shouldnt bother him/her when he/she is free he/she will come up to you. For example, everybody knows that if Im not available at the moment, it doesnt mean that they will never have a chance to talk to me. Ill do what I have to and (even if everybody has forgotten), I will come up myself to ask what was the matter.
In many families parents are eager to introduce the tradition of getting together on New Years Eve. But you cant impose a tradition, it can only be created. If its interesting at home, if home holidays are celebrated solemnly, there is an atmosphere of unity, togetherness, openness and contact such tradition will outlive years. If there is acceptance, respect and interest to communication between family members, then everybody will visit you on New Years Eve.
Where is the borderline for parents interference or non-interference? Is the child wise enough to prevent an accident?
Accident is the way to depart this life, go away from parents. Water, fire or drugs are not the cause. The cause goes back in the past. The ways of departing this life may be different we blame germs, glass, rivers, but, believe me, these are just the ways to depart this life, not the causes of doing it. If your child enjoys life, if he sees the opportunities for himself and understands how to use them, trust me, no disaster will happen to him.
Its not easy for me to agree with you. I remember my mother beating me with a twig for playing in the sandpit. Now I understand that she was right we were little and didnt realize that we could be covered with sand.
Maybe not. Anything can happen to us at any moment. We can slip and die in our own bathroom. So what?
I want to speak about some basic signals to teach the child: what is dangerous, what is not for the child to distinguish.
The most dangerous for life is life itself. We live and then die.
Im speaking about being cautious, not about
Cautiousness is the fear you have for your children. You are afraid, you forbid, but forbidding you only provoke curiosity. Inhibition has never inhibited anything for real, but provoked and stimulated action. You forbid something, but secretly children will do it anyway, otherwise they will not calm down. I want you to know what you forbid, what you punish your children for. Is there really some danger? Or are there just your personal fears, hypotheses, worries and fantasies in a word, paranoia, behind your anxiety?
Why paranoia? There is the whole science of job safety at the enterprises. Why does it exist? Because there is some accidental statistics and they try to explain to the workers, what actions can lead to traumas or death. I think in the same way we have to explain to our children what may be dangerous for them. Its really hard to believe that children have some inner wisdom to help them avoid danger