Questions
Why does my child call himself by his name? For example he can say about himself: «Max wants to drink.» What is this connected with?
There is such a notion a «mirror» stage. First, your child sees himself as if in the mirror, then there is a transitive stage and he stops speaking in the third person about himself. Sometimes calling himself by his name, the child means a certain part of himself, that his parents accept or call somehow. Also he knows that there is one more part of him that his parents dont accept, but scold and punish. The part the parents dont need. So he doesnt call this part of him by his name, because the parents dont need this part. The child feels that when he does something his parents like, he is Max, but when he does things he likes, he is not Max, but someone else. When his parents start to accept the whole child without any divisions, he will stop dividing himself into the one, who his mother needs, and into the one, who she doesnt need.
Sometimes a child is a «black sheep» in the family. For example, in the family of lawyers, the son becomes an actor or a clown. Why does it happen? Is that the absence of upbringing?
This isnt the absence of upbringing, but the suppression of the childrens personality. This may not be the conscious choice of the parents, who accept the unique personality of their children and let them be what they want. Often such freedom of choice is the consequence of the successful parents business. They just have no time to «model» their children to fit certain image. This children are very «lucky» the parents werent close all the time, didnt impress their complexes and stereotypes on them, and didnt shape them to the needed pattern. So unwittingly, they became the best parents ever. Their children grew up into people who know what they want, know what they can do best and do it. These children are lucky. It happens.
When is the right time to speak to a child about money?
You can touch upon this topic when children feel interest in money and start asking questions. You shouldnt worship money and make it a life goal. Its stupid. However, to undervalue it and lie that money is not necessary is also stupid. Teach children to think about money as energy. You have made something, created a value, which somebody will like and buy it providing you with money you can freely dispose of. That is, you get the energy and you can direct it anywhere, but before you have to create a value and make people ready to pay for it. My daughter once told me, «Lets go and buy a doll!» «Where will we get money?» «Well ask mum.» «Where does she get money?» «She gets it at work.» «How is that?» «She cuts peoples hair.» «She doesnt just cut hair. Your mum cuts their hair so good that they like it and are ready to pay for it and come back to her over and over again.» Now my daughter knows: to have money you have to create something.
How to make children understand the value of money if they are from a rich family?
Its absolutely true that the understanding of value isnt instilled by rejections. Very often better-off parents dont buy an expensive toy for a child saying that it is expensive. This is hypocrisy, and this isnt the way to form a value. This is the trick of the parents, who have money, to demonstrate their power over a child, who doesnt have it, and to provoke the child to beg, to ask, to plead, to persuade and promise something while they glory their importance and irreplaceability. You cant say «no» only because of the price. Dualism is a wonderful phenomenon. Its when people want to divide everything into «good» and «bad,» «good» and «evil,» «cheap» and «expensive.» The only thing is important, if its valuable for you or not. If you really need something, it cant be expensive. You may be just earning little money.
So when children ask something, talk to them: «Why do you need it? What do you want to do with it? Why do you want it now?» Then it will be clear to you, why do children want this thing and you will be able to decide if you take part in buying it or not. You will be appropriate and adequate unlike the parents, who play a caring mother and a father, saying «no» to the child just because they want their neighbors to praise them: «Look! They are rich, but they dont spoil their children! Thats the spirit!»
Involve children into earning money as into the game, which opens a range of opportunities. My mother kept saying, «If you want to eat well feed you, but if you want some luxuries go and earn money yourself.» She helped me to get a job and didnt take away my money. Thats why I have always known that earning money is super. A different matter is that not all better-off parents want their children to earn money, because in this case the children lose their dependence on them. Such parents often have nervous children, who are sure that they are complete zeros without their mom and dad. However, even millionaires have kids who dont care about their parents money, because they know they can earn as much as they need. Thus, millionaires having bought houses for their children feel deceived and start taking offence when children refuse to live in them. Are they taking offence because their child turned to be unsuitable for manipulation and independent, not a stupid sheep? They must be happy.
My son likes only Japanese cartoons, anime. I cant say that Im interested in anime as well. When he tries to discuss them with me, I get bored to speak and listen about it. I really tried to understand it doesnt work. But I want to have something in common with my son.
You have got common life, but your hobbies may be different. For example, my wife is a hairdresser, and Im a coach. We have different hobbies, priorities and values. We have different views on the world. I dont tell her about motorcycles, she doesnt tell me about hair dye there are plenty of other interesting topics. Just accept that your son is interested in anime. Dont criticize these cartoons and dont try to love them like he does. Just dont avoid him, when he wants to share with you. My daughter also tells me about her friends from the kindergarten, although I have never seen them. But I understand that at the moment when she is discussing them with me, she is eager to share with someone, and she has no other friend to tell it. I listen to her, I nod, but I dont criticize, dont give advice, if she doesnt ask. Nobody asks for more from you. Its enough that you listen to your son. The problem is that you think, «If Im a mother I have to tell something important and clever to my child.» We are afraid of talking to our kids because it seems that if children share we have to share as well, but we have nothing to share. So we turn our back on children. Our children dont need anything of what you are thinking. Just be with them. Its like when you visit your parents and they present you with three jars of moms pickled cucumbers and two jars of strawberry jam. Its quite clear that you can buy everything in the supermarket, but you better take these jars, because your parents want to be useful. Give them that opportunity.
Together with my husband, we decided to give our children a certain sum of money every week. But sometimes we just dont have it. I dont know if we can tell our children that we dont have money or our agreement is more important and if we have promised we should provide them with this sum of money.