Children tore apart the dolls head; it will neither cry of pain nor laugh. How should children understand if they were tender or violent? Children watch the parents reaction, and its really important for the reaction to be adequate to the childrens deed. If looking at the mutilated doll, parents laugh, this laughter is the feedback for children, the reaction to their deed. If adults laugh, then I do everything fine. But adults often behave completely inadequate, thats why its essential for children to have live toys, which will provide them with a reaction. A real cat will never endure humiliation it will spit and run away. So, children will start realizing the truth: if you torture the animal it runs away, if you stroke it it sits on your lap and purrs.
I remember as a kid I had a baby owl, which we brought from the scouts camp. In the daylight, my brother covered the bird with a piece of cloth, but one day he forgot to do it and stepped on the bird. The owl died it was a factor of feedback for my brother. He then buried the bird, cried, but at the same time, he understood: if you behave the same with a living creature and a toy, the living thing dies.
At first, my daughter couldnt measure her power with the result. Back then we had a cat, Matilda, who didnt accept Vasilissas inadequacy and ran away each time she saw my daughter. So Vasilissa had to follow the cat and catch her in the corner to stroke, but still Matilda was struggling out of her hands and scratching. Then there appeared a second cat, Kefir. If my daughter did something to spite him and ran away, the cat ran after her, scratched her leg from behind, she stumbled, fell down and cried. Kefir became the best teacher for her.
If you dont want to buy a cat buy a plant. Let there be something living next to the child, then the child will see the reaction for action: you water the flower it blossoms, you forget about it it dies. Interacting with living beings, children understand that things dont happen as quick as they want, they realize: I become hysterical, but nothing changes. The flower grows as fast as it can and demands patience and care.
I suggest parents to support their children. Let your children be much more important to you than all these strangers in the supermarkets and in the street. Anyway, be on the childrens side, no matter how they behave. There will always be some "granny," who can say that your children are brought up badly. Dont take her side, take your childrens side. The world will wait; it will outlive the childrens whims and wont collapse because of a scream and a cry. The society will wait. Children will grow up and sort it out with the society, find their place in it, become somebody. Now children are little, they dont understand the social models and other peoples expectations, they dont know meanness, betrayal and other "nice" things.
I ask you not to be mean and not to betray children, because you are the only source of information about the world for them, and this information has to be adequate. Make children the main people for you, and then your reactions will always be natural and only possible. Treat your children the same way that any stranger would treat. If children break racks in the supermarket, dont allow them to do that, dont crawl on all fours for them, picking the scattered bags. Because if your children do that again and you arent near, nobody in this world will crawl and pick things up for them.
Getting adequate feedback from parents is a great advantage for your children. They begin to understand that different behavior with different creatures leads to different consequences. Children start choosing the manner of behavior and playing with the world. Children realize that they can "rule" the world: I do evil things I receive aggression, I do good things I receive good attitude. Children feel that they have a number of behavioral models, but at the same time they learn to be responsible for their actions, because now they know what consequences appear after certain actions. If children get used to their aggression turning to more parent care at home, then outside, receiving aggression for aggression, they will run back home. It will seem to children that only parents can understand them and they can survive only within the family. That is how we form parent attachment, because it is only with us that our inadequate children feel safe.
Questions
Should I buy toys with genital organs for my child? In general, should toys imitating people have vivid sexual characteristics?
Genitals are the same parts of the body as legs and hands. There is nothing special about them they are parts of the body. They are natural; unnatural is the attitude to them as to something dirty, indecent and bad. Today all political and religious bodies try to control, limit and portion affection and sex. There is one mystic in Moscow, Andrey Lapin, who observed, that everything in this world aims at harmony, and the absence of genitals in dolls doesnt solve the problem, but creates a profitable business the absent toy genitals are made separately and sold separately in the "Intim" stores (chain store for adults).
Parents consider toys with genitals and "adult" films, spied by children, provoking an "unhealthy" interest in children. But the "unhealthy" interest is exactly provoked by what we hide, forbid, punish for and are confused of. For example, if children see parents making love for them, just getting to know this world, this is only an event, which they see for the first time in their lives, and the relation is the same as to the first observation of the falling snow. If the mother becomes confused, and the father shouts at children, they thus create a certain attitude to this event. If its forbidden, the interest appears, the desire to understand, watch and try comes up. Thats why I say, that animals are better than dead toys. You cant hide animals genitals they exist. Children see that dogs have them, cats have them, and they have them. So, children dont have questions to the world, they are logical and consistent. However, when children take off dolls pants and there is nothing there it provokes interest. "Why do I have it, but the doll doesnt?" children ask parents such questions and parents become confused, shout and punish raising the degree of interest.
Should I punish the child in public? Or should I postpone it until we come back home, but the child may forget everything by that time. So isnt it more effective to point to the mistake immediately?
We dose our own reactions put forward or hide depending on the attitude of other people. But where is your child here? If you want to stop some action your child is doing, just do it. Restraining this desire, youll feel weak, dependent and unable of immediate action. In this case, youll definitely fly off the handle and shout at your kid if not in the supermarket, then at home, and this will be inadequate feedback.
Punishment for the past action is revenge. Its always inadequate. If you want to stop something stop it at once, if you cant accept this fact and leave everything as it is. Somebody else will stop the shop security or the salesperson. If you cant leave the situation as it is, because you have to act then act. For example, you stand on the pavement waiting for the green light, but your child rushes to cross the street on the red one. Just take the child by the jacket and hold. The most important thing is not to feel uneasy, if the child is screaming and breaking loose from your grip, and the passers-by are looking back on you. When I realize that this is the best thing to do now, I dont have to be ashamed or justify myself in the eyes of other people.