Abundance is the feature and quality of a person, but not the age prerogative. A twenty-year-old mother can be abundant. But at the same time a mature woman can be poor. In fact there are a lot of stereotypes about age and about the time to become mothers. They call thirty-year-old women having their first child old nulliparous, thus creating fear and forcing immature people having nothing in their lives to parturiate as early as possible at 15, 16, 17. But other doctors say that its not safe to parturiate before you are 20. So, 30 is late, 20 is early2. Nobody takes into account the real readiness and maturity of the particular woman. The size of the coxofemoral bones, hormones and etc. are more important for the doctors, because they want to do everything right. The same dishonesty is in the diagnoses, which are written just in case. If one doctor overestimates the disease, never mind, the other doctors will understand him and correct. When they dont want to be responsible for the result, the doctors start shifting responsibility to the mother, to the father, to the vitamins, to the toxemia and to the violation of the diet. All this rat race has nothing to do with what is growing there in the abdomen. Meanwhile future parents having seen the half-page diagnosis get afraid of what they decide to do. The mother feels the guilt complex, because they said she did something wrong during parturition. Then this fear transfers to the children programming their further life. When the child is 30, they find excuses: he is so immature because of the birth injury.
§ 1.3. Feedback
Feedback disturbances between parents and children begin right from the moment of birth. Parents try to please other people, listen to their advice and keep their advice like old stiff photographs, paying no attention to their own children. When children grow up and get out of control, parents are surprised, "But we were bringing them up correctly all the relatives and neighbors approved of us." The thing is that bringing up children you shouldnt rely on the morals and what other people do, but on what you see "here and now," relying on what you feel when you contact with your children, understanding what your children say and how they do it.
What is most important is that we want our children to hear us. But if they were able to accept what was told, if they understood, felt and changed after that, it would not be of particular interest. Their consent and acceptance of our rightness is what is important. We change upbringing for self-admiration,"Look, Im a strict parent! What correct words I tell my children!" But children aged 6 or 7 dont hear what we say. Firstly, because we repeat one and the same thing. Secondly, because we ourselves dont implement what we teach them. So our connection is unilateral from an adult to a child. Im the parent, so Im right, I know how it should be, and youre little, you must listen to me. We dont think what the child feels about that. Ive planted a seed, will it grow? Its important that Ive planted it, that I was raising it, that I was repeating the same thing a hundred of times But whats the point of it, if it doesnt work?
In childhood children dont fully trust themselves; they dont strongly rely on themselves and always look back at the adults opinion. Look at this situation through the eyes of a child, "I do something and my parents start worrying, get afraid and frighten at once. They have no idea why I do that, but they start influencing." Children dont get a proper feedback from parents for the actions, receiving only their attitude to what they are doing. Therefore, children start attaching more importance to the attitude of other people to their actions, than to the importance of such actions personally for them.
Feedback is neutral information about what is happening. For example, the height above the sea level is 100 meters is that good or bad? It is neither good nor bad, just 100 meters above the sea level, thats all. The temperature is 3 degrees below zero is that good or bad? If its in the fridge its good, if youre outside wearing shorts its bad. The same is true with bringing up children. It happens that in the supermarket the child pulls his mother by the hair, beats her on the face, but she smiles, keeping calm, pretending that its OK. She sacrifices herself, endures shame and pain, doesnt give the feedback to the child, thus deceiving him. But at home she will punch him for some insignificant misbehavior for pouring water on the floor. Here, she will splash all her sacrificing endurance, and her reaction wont be adequate. Her aggression will be the reaction, but not a feedback on what the child had done. She will punish him not for pouring water, but for everything, she forced herself to endure during the day.
If your children have a fit of hysteria, if they are screaming you start screaming in the same manner, without fear, startle or anxiety. This will be the feedback. If we feel uncomfortable to scream when people look at us, the child begins to understand: when there are witnesses, mother yields and children start using it. They scream you scream. You show that you can behave the same way too. Once a beggar with a lamentable face came to me, "Grant for Christs sake!" I responded with a lamentable face, "Grant for Christs sake!" I gave the feedback, showing that I could do the same and the person changed something in his actions. Reflection is the feedback. In this respect, cats and dogs are more adequate teachers than parents are, because they are more honest. They dont care what somebody will think about them, but many parents do care about that.
If children hit me I hit them as well, but there is no anger, no fright, no fear, no pity or wish to look like somebody in the eyes of the witnesses, in my blow. My blow is emotionally neutral Im not trying to revenge or stop childrens action to prevent them from repeating it again. My blow is of the same power as the childrens ones, neither weaker nor stronger. A 5-year-old daughter of my friend once hit me on the head I hit her in the same manner; she hit me once again but weaker, I also hit her weaker, then she patted my head and I patted her head. This way life becomes a game. I feel every moment, how the environment reacts, I choose the manner of behavior depending on the expected reaction. Animals "bring up" their babies like this. When a kitten bites a cat, the cat bites it back, and it doesnt mean that the cat doesnt love the kitten just makes the kitten understand how she feels. There is no punishment in this bite she doesnt bite the kitten stronger, there is no pity she doesnt bite it weaker. She bites with the same strength as the kitten does. The point of feedback is to make you understand how I feel about your actions.
We have changed life for dead toys for children. You can do whatever you want with these toys beat them, cut with scissors, jump on them, tear away their legs, but toy creatures will still be smiling. Its one of the illusions we instill into our children, and they grow up not taking responsibility for their own actions. Toy producers can write "ecologically harmless," but I think all toys are "ecologically useless." No porolon cats and plastic dolls provide the children with the most important thing feedback. If you sit down on a live chicken it will die, if you sit down on a porolon one nothing will happen. If you break a real flower it will dry and die, if you bend a toy flower it will stand upright again and thats all.
Children tore apart the dolls head; it will neither cry of pain nor laugh. How should children understand if they were tender or violent? Children watch the parents reaction, and its really important for the reaction to be adequate to the childrens deed. If looking at the mutilated doll, parents laugh, this laughter is the feedback for children, the reaction to their deed. If adults laugh, then I do everything fine. But adults often behave completely inadequate, thats why its essential for children to have live toys, which will provide them with a reaction. A real cat will never endure humiliation it will spit and run away. So, children will start realizing the truth: if you torture the animal it runs away, if you stroke it it sits on your lap and purrs.