What do you think the point is? Dr. Yalestrom asked.
Kevin did his best to think of a reason. I guess because pretty soon is not the same thing as now?
The psychologist nodded. I think thats a good way to put it. So, is there anything that you would like to do in the pretty soon, Kevin?
Kevin thought about it. I guess I guess I should tell Luna whats happening.
And whos Luna?
Shes my friend, Kevin said. We dont go to the same school anymore, so she hasnt seen me collapse or anything, and I havent called in a few days, but
But you should tell her, Dr. Yalestrom said. It isnt healthy to push away your friends when things get bad, Kevin. Not even to protect them.
Kevin swallowed back a denial, because it was kind of what he was doing. He didnt want to inflict this on Luna, didnt want to hurt her with the news of what was going to happen. It was part of the reason he hadnt called her in so long.
What else? Dr. Yalestrom said. Lets try places again. If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
Kevin tried to pick among all the places in the room, but the truth was that there was only one landscape that kept springing into his head, with colors no normal camera could capture.
It would sound stupid, he said.
Theres nothing wrong with sounding stupid, Dr. Yalestrom assured him. Ill tell you a secret. People often think that everyone else but them is special. They think that other people must be cleverer, or braver, or better, because only they can see the parts of themselves that arent those things. They worry that everyone else says the right thing, and they sound stupid. Its not true though.
Even so, Kevin sat there for several seconds, examining the upholstery of the couch in detail. I I see places. One place. I guess its the reason that I had to come here.
Dr. Yalestrom smiled. Youre here because an illness like yours can create a lot of odd effects, Kevin. Im here to help you cope with them, without them dominating your life. Would you like to tell me more about the things you see?
Again, Kevin made a detailed examination of the couch, learning its topography, picking at a tiny speck of lint sticking up from the rest. Dr. Yalestrom was silent while he did it; the kind of silence that felt as though it was sucking words up out of him, giving them a space to fall into.
I see a place where nothing is quite the same as here. The colors are wrong, the animals and the plants are different, Kevin said. I see it destroyed at least, I think I do. Theres fire and heat, a bright flash. Theres a set of numbers. And theres something that feels like a countdown.
Why does it feel like a countdown? Dr. Yalestrom asked.
Kevin shrugged. Im not sure. Because the pulses are getting closer together, I guess?
The psychologist nodded, then went over to her desk. She came back with paper and pencils.
How are you at art? she asked. No, dont answer that. It doesnt matter if this is a great work of art or not. I just want you to try to draw what you see, so that I can get a sense of what its like. Dont pay too much attention to it, just draw. Can you do that for me, Kevin?
Kevin shrugged. Ill try.
He took the pencils and paper, trying to bring the landscape that hed seen to mind, trying to remember every detail of it. It was hard to do, because although the numbers stayed in his head, it felt as though he had to dive down deep into himself to pull up the images. They were below the surface, and to get at them, Kevin had to pull back into himself, concentrating on nothing else, letting the pencil flow over the paper almost automatically
Okay, Kevin, she said, taking the pad away before Kevin could get a good look at what hed drawn. Lets see what youve
He saw the look of shock that crossed her face, so brief that it almost wasnt there. It was there though, and Kevin had to wonder what it would take to shock someone who heard stories about people dying every day.
What is it? Kevin asked. What did I draw?
You dont know? Dr. Yalestrom asked.
I was trying not to think too much, Kevin said. Did I do something wrong?
Dr. Yalestrom shook her head. No, Kevin, you didnt do anything wrong.
She held out Kevins drawing. Would you like to take a look at what you produced? Perhaps it will help you to understand things.
She held it out folded, in just the tips of her fingers, as if she didnt want to touch it more than necessary. That made Kevin worry just a little. What could he have drawn that would make an adult react like that? He took it, unfolding it.
A drawing of a spaceship sat there, only drawing probably wasnt the right word for it. This was more like a blueprint, complete in every detail, which seemed impossible in the time Kevin had to draw. Hed never even seen this before, but here it was, on the page, looking giant and flat, like a city perched on a disk. There were smaller disks around it, like worker bees around a queen.
The detail meant that there was something neat, almost clinical, about the way it was drawn, but there was more to it than that. There was something about the geometry of it that was just wrong, somehow, seeming to have depths and angles to it that shouldnt have been possible to capture just in a sketch like this.
But this Kevin didnt know what to say. Didnt this prove what was happening? Did anyone think he could have just made something like this up?
Apparently, Dr. Yalestrom wasnt convinced though. She took back the picture, folding it carefully as though she didnt want to have to look at it. Kevin suspected that the strangeness of it was too much for her.
I think its important that we talk about the things youre seeing, she said. Do you think those things are real?
Kevin hesitated. Im not sure. They feel real, but a lot of people now have told me that they cant be.
It makes sense, Dr. Yalestrom said. What youre feeling is very common.
It is? What he was experiencing didnt feel very common at all. I thought that my illness was rare.
Dr. Yalestrom moved over to her desk, placing Kevins drawing in a file. She picked up a tablet and started to make notes. Is it important that other people shouldnt experience what youre experiencing, Kevin?
No, its not that, Kevin said. It was just that Dr. Markham said that this disease only affects a few people.
Thats true, Dr. Yalestrom agreed. But I see a lot of people who experience hallucinations of some kind for other reasons.
You think Im going crazy, Kevin guessed. Everyone else seemed to. Even his mom, presumably, since shed been the one to bring him here after hed started talking about them. He didnt feel like he was going crazy, though.
Thats not a word I like to use here, Dr. Yalestrom said. I think that often, the behavior that we label crazy is there for a good reason. Its just that often, those reasons only make sense to the person concerned. People will do things to protect themselves from situations that are too difficult to handle, which seem to be unusual.
You think thats what Im doing with these visions? Kevin asked. He shook his head. Theyre real. Im not making them up.
Can I tell you what I think, Kevin? I think a part of you might be attached to these visions because its helping you to think that your illness might be happening for some kind of greater good. I think that maybe these visions are actually you trying to make sense of your illness. The imagery in them theres a strange place that isnt like the normal world. Could that represent the way things have changed?