I think what we have to ask, the principal said, is if, at this point, school is really the best thing Kevin can be doing with the time he has.
It was probably intended to be a kind way of putting it, but all it did was remind Kevin of what the doctor had said. Six months to live. It didnt seem like enough time for anything, let alone to have a life in. Six months worth of seconds, each one ticking away in a steady beat that matched the countdown in his head.
Youre saying that theres no point to my son being in school because hell be dead soon anyway? his mother snapped back. Is that what youre saying?
No, of course not, the principal said, hurriedly, raising his hands to placate her.
Thats what it sounds like youre saying, Kevins mother said. It sounds as though youre freaked out by my sons illness as much as the kids here.
Im saying that its going to be hard to teach Kevin as this gets worse, the principal said. Well try, but dont you want to make the most of the time you have left?
He said that in a gentle tone that still managed to cut right to Kevins heart. He was saying exactly what his mother had thought, just in gentler words. The worst part was that he was right. Kevin wasnt going to live long enough to go to college, or get a job, or do anything that he might need school to prepare for, so why bother being there.
Its okay, Mom, he said, reaching out to touch her arm.
That seemed to be enough of an argument to convince his mother, and just that told Kevin how serious this all was. On any other occasion, he would have expected her to fight. Now it seemed that the fight had been sucked out of her.
They went out to the car in silence. Kevin looked back at the school. The thought hit him that he probably wouldnt be coming back. He hadnt even had a chance to say goodbye.
Im sorry they called you at work, Kevin said as they sat in the car. He could feel the tension there. His mom didnt turn the engine on, just sat.
Its not that, she said. Its just it was getting easy to pretend that nothing was wrong. She sounded so sad then, so deeply hurt. Kevin had gotten used to the expression that meant she was trying to keep from crying. She wasnt succeeding.
Are you okay, Kevin? she asked, even though by then, he was the one holding onto her, as tightly as he could.
Im I wish I didnt have to leave school, Kevin said. Hed never thought he would hear himself say that. Hed never thought that anyone would say that.
We could go back in, his mother said. I could tell the principal that Im going to bring you back here tomorrow, and every day after that, until
She broke off.
Until it gets too bad, Kevin said. He screwed his eyes tightly shut. I think maybe its already too bad, Mom.
He heard her hit the dashboard, the dull thud echoing around the car.
I know, she said. I know and I hate it. I hate this disease thats taking my little boy from me.
She cried again for a little while. In spite of his attempts to stay strong, Kevin did too. It seemed to take a long time before his mother was calm enough to say anything else.
They said you saw planets, Kevin? she asked.
I saw it, Kevin said. How could he explain what it was like? How real it was?
His mother looked over, and now Kevin had the sense of her struggling for the right words to say. Struggling to be comforting and firm and calm, all at the same time. You get that this isnt real, right, honey? Its just its just the disease.
Kevin knew that he ought to understand it, but
It doesnt feel like that, Kevin said.
I know it doesnt, his mother said. And I hate that, because its just a reminder that my little boy is slipping away. All of this, I wish I could make it go away.
Kevin didnt know what to say to that. He wished it would go away too.
It feels real, Kevin said, even so.
His mother was quiet for a long time. When she finally spoke, her voice had the brittle, barely holding it together quality that only arrived since the diagnosis, but now had become far too familiar.
Maybe maybe its time we took you to see that psychologist.
CHAPTER THREE
Dr. Linda Yalestroms office wasnt anywhere near as medical looking as all the others Kevin had been in recently. It was her home, for one thing, in Berkeley, with the university close enough that it seemed to back up her credentials as surely as the certificates that were neatly framed on the wall.
The rest of it looked like the kind of home office Kevin expected from TV, with soft furnishings obviously relegated here after some previous move, a desk where clutter had crept in from the rest of the house, and a few potted plants that seemed to be biding their time, ready to take over.
Kevin found himself liking Dr. Yalestrom. She was a short, dark-haired woman in her fifties, whose clothes were brightly patterned and about as far from medical scrubs as it was possible to get. Kevin suspected that might be the point, if she spent a lot of time working with people who had received the worst news possible from doctors already.
Come sit down, Kevin, she said with a smile, gesturing to a broad red couch that was well worn with years of people sitting on it. Ms. McKenzie, why dont you give us a while? I want Kevin to feel that he can say anything he needs to say. My assistant will get you some coffee.
His mother nodded. Ill be right outside.
Kevin went to sit on the couch, which turned out to be exactly as comfortable as it appeared. He looked around the room at pictures of fishing trips and vacations. It took him a while to realize something important.
Youre not in any of the photos in here, he said.
Dr. Yalestrom smiled at that. Most of my clients never notice. The truth is, a lot of these are places I always wanted to go, or places I heard were interesting. I put them out because young men like you spend a lot of time staring around the room, doing anything but talk to me, and I figure you should at least have something to look at.
It seemed a bit like cheating to Kevin.
If you work with people who are dying a lot, he said, why do you have pictures of places you always wanted to go? Why put it off, when youve seen
When Ive seen how quickly it can all end? Dr. Yalestrom asked, gently.
Kevin nodded.
Maybe because of the wonderful human ability to know that and still procrastinate. Or maybe I have been to some of these places, and the reason Im not in the pictures is just that I think one of me staring down at people is quite enough.
Kevin wasnt sure if those were good reasons or not. They didnt seem like enough, somehow.
Where would you go, Kevin? Dr. Yalestrom asked. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
I dont know, he replied.
Well, think about it. You dont have to let me know right away.
Kevin shook his head. It was strange, talking to an adult this way. Generally, when you were thirteen, conversations came down to questions or instructions. With the possible exception of his mom, who was at work a lot of the time anyway, adults werent really interested in what someone his age had to say.
I dont know, he repeated. I mean, I never really thought Id get to go anywhere. He tried to think about places he might like to go, but it was hard to come up with anywhere, especially now that he only had a few months to do it. I feel as though, wherever I think of, whats the point? Ill be dead pretty soon.