I blinked out of the hated memory fog and turned my head toward the rooms only door. A pretty girl, probably my age, stepped inside. She had straight dark hair, large hazel eyes framed by spiky black lashes, and skin the perfect shade of sun-kissed. She rocked a long-sleeved pink T-shirt that read Im With Genius with an arrow pointing up, and a micromini that barely wrapped around her waist. Actually, bathing-suit bottom might have been a better description.
Needless to say, my ugly paper-thin gown with uneven ties did not compare.
Im Ali, I said. They were the first words Id uttered in what seemed forever. My throat was raw, my voice hoarse. I just couldnt let her call me Alice again. The last person who had wasnever mind. I just couldnt let her. Im Ali, I repeated.
Cool. Im Kathryn, but everyone calls me Kat. And do not make any cat jokes or Ill have to hurt you. With my claws. She waved the long, blunt tips of her fingers at me. Truth is, I stopped speaking meow a long time ago.
Speaking meow? Im guessing calling you Pretty Kitty is out. I dont know where my burst of humor sprang from, but I wasnt gonna fight it. All of my energy was needed fighting everything else. But what about Mad Dog?
Her lips twitched into the semblance of a grin. Har, har. But now Ill be disappointed if you dont call me Mad Dog. She shifted back on her heels, the movement graceful, fluid. So, uh, yeah. About my visit. Lets get the info exchange out of the way first. My mom works here, and she brought me with her today. She said you could really use a friend, or something equally tragic like that.
Im fine, I rushed out. There was that stupid word again. Fine.
I know, right? Thats what I told her. Kat sauntered over, pulled the only chair in the room next to my bed and plopped down. Besides, people dont open up to strangers. Thatd just be weird. But shes my mom, and youre clearly in need of a shoulder to cry on, so what was I supposed to say? No? Even Im not that cruel.
Her pity wasnt something Id accept. You can tell your mom I was rude and kicked you out.
Also, she continued as if I hadnt spoken, lifes way too short to wallow in sorrow, I know. Anyway, as Im sure youve already deduced, Im stellar company. Oh, oh. And guess what? Theres an opening in my Fave Fivenot those old lame phone commercials, but my actual inner circleand Im actively looking to fill the top spot. Well just consider this your interview.
Somehow, her little speech caused that flicker of good humor to stir back to life. I couldnt help but say, Your top spot is a job, then?
Of course. She fluffed her hair. I dont want to brag, but Im very high maintenance.
Uh, I think low maintenance is whats desirable.
Low maintenance is whats forgettable. You might want to write that down, underline it, circle it and put a star by it. Its golden. With barely a breath, she added, Now lets find out if were compatible, shall we?
O-kay. We were gonna do this thing, then. We were gonna go all the way. See Alice pretend everything is beyond peachy. Sure. We shall.
Soyou lost everyone, huh? she asked.
Talk about kicking things off with a bang. But at least she hadnt offered platitudes or tiptoed around the subject. Maybe thats why I responded to her with a croaked Yeah. It was more than Id offered anyone else.
Bummer.
Yeah.
You gonna eat that? She pointed to the vanilla pudding someone had brought me earlier.
Nope.
Awesome. Im starved. With a wide, white grin, she confiscated the pudding and the spoon and settled back in her chair. One taste left her moaning with satisfaction. So check this out and tell me if you agree.
Uh, okay. I had a feeling Id be uttering uh many more times before this conversation ended. Even sitting there, she was like a whirlwind of energy I had no idea how to contain.
After another bite of the pudding, she said, Here goes. See, my boyfriend and I decided to stay together for the summer, you know, even though he had to go visit some family in nowhereville. At least, thats what he told me. Anyway, everything was fine at first, because you know, we talked every night, and then boom, he just stopped calling. So I called and texted him like the good girlfriend I am, and it wasnt stalkerish, I swear, because I stopped after, like, the thirtieth time. A week goes by before he finally hits me back, and he was totally drunk and all, hey, baby, I miss you and what are you wearing, like no time had passed, and I was all, you so do not deserve to know.
Silence.
She watched me, expectant, as she took another bite of pudding. I was tempted to search the room to make sure shed directed the information overload at me. The few friends Id made over the years had shared stories about their lives and their boyfriends, of course, but none had ever done so at minute one or with such a flare for detail.
Well? Kat prompted.
Oh, right. This must be the part where I render my verdict. Agree or disagree. Iagree?
Exactly! And get this. He called me by the wrong name. Not during sex or anything like that, because if that had been the case, I would have killed him, and he would have been too busy being dead to try and explain, but on the phone, during our last conversation.
Took me a minute of mind-mapping to wade through everything shed said and find the X that marked the spot. That sucks? Id meant to make a statement, but again I ended up asking a question.
I knew youd get me! Its like we were separated at birth. So, anyway, he and I had just hung upwell, Id hung up on him, a real nice slam Im still patting myself on the back for deliveringand my phone rings again, and hes all, hey Rina. Im like, Rina? What are you doing calling Rina? He stumbles around for a lie, but I knew. Hes a dirty man-whore cheating he-slut and Im done with him.
Good. Well, well. What do you know? I was capable of making a statement. Cheaters are scum.
Worse than scum. When school starts back up, Im throwing down with that boy, and not in a good way. He promised to love me and only me forever and ever and even after forever ended, and he needs to pay for lying. Rina can just suck it raw and hopefully die of some terrible disease. She doesnt deserve my precious time.
School. Ugh. Here was another aspect of my life that would change. Where do you go?
Asher High. You know, best school ever.
My parents went there. Ugh again. Whyd I have to bring them up? I fisted the sheet, wishing I could snatch the words back. I could pretend to be normal, but only if the discussion stayed away from everything personal.
How about you? she asked, not pursuing my slipup.
Good, that was good. Carver Academy. Not anymore, though. My grandparents lived inthe Asher High district, I realized. Guess Id be seeing a lot more of Kat after summer break. I opened my mouth to tell her, but just as quickly closed it. No reason to light that particular fire.
An Astro Jet, huh? she said. We kicked your butt last year on the field and the court. Go Tigers! Im sure you cried about it, so heres your warning for this year. Youre gonna lose again, and youre gonna cry again. Sorry. The sooner you get used to the idea, the faster youll heal. She finished off the pudding and claimed my cup of water, tossing my straw aside and drinking from the rim. So, do you have a boyfriend?
No.
One dark brow arched, and lips that were coated with a clear, glittery gloss pursed. Girlfriend?
No.
Too bad. Not about the girlfriend, though that would have been cool because you would have been my first lesbian friend and I would never have to worry about you stealing my man like that hobag Rina, but about the boyfriend. You could have set me up with one of his friends and I could have texted my ex pictures of our fake, steaming-hot love affair. So, hey, do you want me to steal a wheelchair and spring you? We can head down to the cafeteria and grab a burger. They arent the best, but after my pudding appetizer, I really need a meal. And, just for future reference, hunger makes me mental.
Leave the room? Enter the world? No, thanks. I settled more firmly against my mound of pillows, forced a yawn. Im kinda tired.
She held up her hands, palms out in innocence and understanding, reminding me ofno oneand stood. Say no more. I feel you. Ill take off and let you rest. A few steps brought her to the door, where she paused to look back at me. You know, I think Im gonna like you, Ali Bell. Ill need a few more visits to help me decide for sure, but yeah, I think well be tight and youll soar to the top of my Five. And then she was gone.
* * *
As it turned out, I stayed at the hospital only one more night. I didnt see Kat for the rest of the summer, which was probably for the best. She was a nice girl, and I was bad company, and if shed spent any more time with me she might have changed her mind about my acceptability. Tight would have become please, please, please, never come near me again. I doubted I would have even made her Fave Fifty.
Can you tell I was a depressed, neurotic mess?
To my consternation, my grandparents saw right through my Ill be okay murmurs and spent hours, days, weeks, trying to cheer me up. They were wonderful people, they really were, but I know I frustrated them.
I should be crying, they said. Id feel better. What I couldnt bring myself to tell them was that my tears were on lockdown. Every day I could feel the burn of them behind my eyes, but the droplets never formed, never fell. And to be honest, the lack didnt bother me. I didnt want to cry. Deep down I had accepted the fact that I deserved to sufferto seethe on the inside.
Actually, I deserved worse.
When the day of the funeral dawned, I stunned everyone, including myself, by asking to skip it. I justI couldnt stand the thought of seeing where my family would spend the rest of eternity, rotting for years before disappearing altogether. And even though that would have counted as the worse, I still wanted to remember them as theyd been: alive and vibrant. But of course, my grandparents denied my request.
On the drive over, I sat in the backseat of their sedan. Today they were dressed in head-to-toe black, as was I. Theyd bought me a fancy new dress. I really wish they hadnt gone to the trouble or the expense. I would have rather worn a potato sack. This was a terrible day, and I would have liked my clothing to reflect that.
Anyway. I didnt want to think about me. Nana had styled her shoulder-length brown hair into a loose bob that hid the paleness of her cheeks. She clutched a tissue in her shaky fist and continually dabbed at her watery eyes. Shed lost family, too, I reminded myself. I wasnt the only one suffering. I should try to help her with her loss, should act the way she wanted me to act, butI just couldnt.
Do you want to say a few words honoring the, uh, deceased? Pops asked after clearing his throat. His graying hair had receded so much at the sides that he had a major widows peak. The rest was thinning and yes, he sported a cringe-worthy comb-over. How my mom had loved to tease him about that. Ali?
I didnt need to think about my reply. No, thank you.
Nana twisted to face me. Her eyelids were puffed, the skin underneath splotched with red and her makeup streaked. I had to look away. Those golden eyes were too familiar, the pain inside them tooreflective.
Are you sure? she asked. I know your mother would have wanted
Im sure, I rushed out. Just the thought of standing in front of everyone and sharing my favorite memories caused a cold sweat to break out on my skin. No way. Just no way.
Her tone gentled as she said, This is your chance to say goodbye, Alice.
Gonna be sick. Call me Ali. Please. And II cant say goodbye. I wasnt ever going to say goodbye. Part of me still clung to the idea that there was a chance Id wake up and discover all of this was simply a bad dream.
A weary sigh left her, and she returned her attention to the front. All right. I dont think what youre doing is healthy, but all right.
Thank you, I said, relief causing me to wilt against my seat belt.
The rest of the drive passed in silence, only the occasional sniffle to be heard. What I would have given for my iPod. Id play Skillet or Red and pretend I was dancing withmyself. But I hadnt gone home to pack my things. I hadnt wanted to go home. Nana had done that for me, and technophobe that she was, shed probably had no idea what that little Nano could do.
At last we reached our destination and walked to the grave sites. There would be no church service. Everything was to be done here. Which wasnt right. My mother had loved to go to church, and my dad had hated cemeteries, had died at the edge of oneof this one, to be morbidly specificand they were going to bury him here? That was wrong on so many levels, and ticked me off.
He should have been cremated. But what did I know? I was just the daughter whod helped kill him.
Now, in the daylightor what should have been daylightI studied the place that had destroyed my life. The sky was dark and drizzly, as if the world wept for what it had lost. While I was right on board with that, my dad wouldnt have approved. Hed loved the sun.
The hilly stretch of land was treed up just right, with a few bushes growing around some of the headstones and flowers of every color thriving in every direction.
One day there would be bushes and flowers around my familys headstones. Right now, there were just three big, empty holes, waiting for those closed caskets to drop.
Once again I found myself the recipient of too many Im sorrys and youll be okays. Screw them all. I retreated inside myself, tuning out everything that was spoken during the ceremony, simply looking around.
People around me wept into their tissues. There was Mr. and Mrs. Flanagan, my former neighbors, and their son, Cary. He was a cute boy, a little older than me. I cant remember how many times Id thought that if I was a normal girl, with a normal life, Id be sitting at my window, staring out at his house, imagining him closing the distance and asking me out on a date. Imagining wed go to dinner, hed walk me to my door, and kiss me. My first. Imagining hed tell me that he didnt care how crazy my family was, that he liked me no matter what.