I never had. He never had.
Now he cast me a sad smile, and I looked away.
When the pastor had finished, when my grandparents had said their piece, everyone stood and gathered in groups, talking, swapping stories. Too many of them congregated around me, patting my shoulders and giving me hugs. Actions I didnt appreciate or return. I just didnt have the strength to put on a dog-and-pony show so that I wouldnt hurt anyones feelings.
I wanted to be in my bed, buried under the covers, pretending I had my old life back.
She was such a happy child, wasnt she? said someone at my side. A woman I couldnt quite place but knew Id seen before was peering at the smallest casket, tears streaming down her red cheeks. Were going to miss her. I remember this one time
On and on she talked. I stood there, suddenly unable to breathe. I opened my mouth to tell her to shut up, but the words wouldnt form. I tried to walk away, but my feet were rooted in place, as if someone had poured concrete over my shoes.
And then there was the time, in class, when she helped
A loud ringing sprouted in my ears and I couldnt make out the individual words. Didnt matter. I knew who she was talking about, and if she didnt get out of my face, I was going to lose it. Already I was spiraling into an abyss, screaming silently.
and the other girls utterly adored her
Argh! Spiralingspiraling out of control
I deserved this, I reminded myself. This was part of my worse. My words, my insistence, had killed my family, had put them in those boxes. Had I done anything differently, a single detail, they would still be alive. But I hadnt, and so here I was. There they were.
her talent, her spirit, were rare and glorious and I
The abyss threw me one way, then the other, cutting me up bit by bit, destroying me. The woman had to shut up. She just had to. Shut. Up. My heart felt pinned against my ribs, warping the beat, and if she didnt shut up I would die. I knew I would die.
used to tell me she wanted to be just like you when she grew up. She admired you so much....
Shut up, shut up, shut up! But she kept talking and kept telling me all about mysister....
about Emma
Emmagonemy lilygone
Id promised to keep her safe. Id failed.
A scream ripped from my throat, followed right on the heels of another and another. I lost track of everything around me, clutched my ears to stop from hearing the utter horror in my voice, and fell to my knees.
No, not just to my knees. I fell down, down, down, the abyss, a never-ending pit of despair, still screaming, screaming, consumed by grief, flooded by sorrow.
Hands patted at me, but I didnt calm. I screamed so loud and so long my voice eventually broke. I gagged and choked, tears pouring down my cheeks, pooling around me, a lake of misery. I cried so hard my entire body shook, and my eyes swelled shut. I couldnt breathe, didnt want to breathe anymore. Dying would have been a relief.
I dont know what happened after that. For the second time in my life, I lost consciousness. Maybe I would never wake....
* * *
But of course, I awoke. In the days that followed, I tried to take comfort in the fact that the worst thing that could ever happen to me had already happened. Big surprise, that didnt help. But at some point, I finally accepted that this wasnt any kind of nightmare. This was my new reality, and I had better learn to deal or the tears would never stop flowing.
Each night I sat on the ledge seat in front of my rooms only window, looking down at my new backyard. There was half an acre of trees, hills and flowers, and a stockade fence that marked the property boundaries. Beyond the fence was a hill spotlighted by a golden sliver of moonlight, but because of the steepness of the incline, I couldnt see anything more than thick, towering trunks.
I was tired, but I wouldnt be sleeping. Any time I drifted off, I dreamed of the accident. I preferred to spend my time searching for my dads monsters, not sure whether I wanted to prove they existed or that they didnt, remembering all the times Id caught my dad doing the same thing.
Dad had carried a gun, though Id never heard him shoot it. Now I had to wonder if a gun would actually help. The monsters had slipped past human skinlike ghostsor the demons Id been so unsure about.
This is ridiculous. The monsters werent real.
And yet, a few times since the accident, I was certain that Id spied one.
As if on cue, the bushes swayed. I leaned forward until my nose pressed into the glass. Probably the wind, I thought, even as I watched tree limbs stretch toward each other. Limbs, not arms, surely. And those were leaves, not hands. Surely.
A flash of white caught my attention, and I gulped. That wasnt a woman with stooped shoulders darting between the trees but a deer. Had to be a deer, but
Deer didnt wear wedding gowns, did they.
I pumped a fist into the pane, rattling the entire window, and the womandeerdarted away, swiftly hidden by the trees. I waited several long minutes, but she itnever came back into view.
By the time the sun rose, my eyelids felt like sandpaper against my eyes. I had to stop doing this, had to stop torturing myself. Otherwise, Id have to throw in the towel and admit Id inherited my dads crazy.
And wouldnt that just be irony at its finest?
With that thought, I didnt laugh with bitterness, cry, or even crawl into bed. I began planning the next nights watch.
3Eerily Curiouser and Eerily Curiouser
Summer break passed far too quickly, and the first day of my junior year finally arrived. Asher High was on the outskirts of Birmingham, only a ten-minute drive from my grandparents house. Go Tigers. The bus turned the ten-minute drive into forty. But you know, I was glad for every one of those extra minutes. Like Id told Kat that day at the hospital, my mom and dad had graduated from Asher, and all I could think about was whether their pictures were hanging in any of the display cases.
I wasnt ever going to look. If I saw them, Id probably have a breakdown right there in the halls, something that hadnt happened since the funeral. Yeah, I liked to think I was stronger now, more in control, but I wasnt taking chances.
I sat in front, just behind the driver, and kept my head down during the ride. I spoke to no one, and I was the first to exit, my steps quick as my backpack thumped against me.
I paused in front of the building, my eyes wide and my stomach churning. So. Many. Kids. Some were tall, some were short. Black, white. Boy, girl. Rich, poor. Preppy, stoned. Skinny, not so skinny. Clothed, practically naked. Each one huddled in a group, beyond excited to be together again. Everyone seemed to be talking over someone else and laughing.
The building itself was sprawling and kind of creepy, because wowTigers took their school colors seriously. Never had I seen so much black and gold. Black brick was interspaced with gold brick. There was a wealth of trees, the trunks painted black and the leaves painted gold. There was a cement walkway, and black-and-gold tiger paws led to the front doors, where metal detectors stood guard. Someone had anchored tiger ears on the sides and whiskers in the middle to give the detectors faces.
Note to self: Never talk badly about jungle cats. Id probably get my head dunked in the toilet.
I stopped by the front office and asked for a map, only to be sighed at and pointed to a fat stack of them on the counter. I grabbed one and muttered, Thanks. I had my schedule already, so it was just a matter of finding my way. Id never been good with directions.
As I was walking away, a woman strode out of the back office, spotted me and changed her course, heading straight for me.
She held out a well-manicured hand. Youre Alice Bell.
Ali, I said as we shook. Her grip was strong. Too strong.
Im the principal here. Dr. Wright. And do not think youll get away with calling me Ms. Wright, Wright or Hey Lady. I earned my title and you will use it. Understood?
Yes. I looked her over as discreetly as possible. Dark brown hair framed a pretty face. She had olive-toned skin, brown eyes that practically flashed the words I mean business, and a cupids bow mouth.
If you need anything, she said, already moving off, dont hesitate to let one of my assistants know.
Thanks. I will
She didnt hear me, because she was already gone.
I made my way into a hall that was plastered with Tigers Rule posters and majorly congested, kids rushing in every direction, a (black-and-gold) beach ball being tossed around, laughter echoing. I must have been walking too slowly, because several people tried to mow me down.
In an act of self-preservation, I pressed into a wall of lockers. Soon the crowd would thin and I could navigate my way without incident. As I waited, I tried not to think about my old school and the fact that, after my last class, I wouldnt be walking to the nearest elementary school to pick up
Nope, not going there.
Ali?
My gaze shot from the floor to a beautiful brunette, who stood front and center in a group of girls. Kat! I mean, Mad Dog. I was so happy to discover a familiar face, I did something I hadnt done all summer. I smiled.
She smiled back, looking genuinely happy to see me, and waved me over.
I closed the distance, and she threw her arms around me as if we were long-lost friends. Well, well, look what the Kat dragged in. Get it? Of course you do. I only make awesome jokes. But enough of my brilliant banter. Im so glad youre here! Her gaze slid over me, and she gave me another grin, this one sly. Look at you, total chili pepper hot. I love it!
A lie, surely. I had on ratty sneakers, ripped jeans and the oldest tee I owned. The fabric was so frayed, I looked like Igagwore fringe. I just hadnt felt like getting dressed up, as if I had something to celebrate.
The therapist my grandparents had made me see would have said I was punishing myself for living when the rest of my family had died. (If she had uttered those words just one more time, I would have hacked off my ears and left them with her.) Id already figured that out on my own, thank you. That didnt change how I felt.
Well? Kat prompted. Arent you going to tell me how good I look?
My gaze roved from top to bottom. You dont look good. You look amazing, I added before she could pout. She wore glittery shoes, Miss Me hip-huggers and a skintight black top. Dark hair fell in pretty waves over one shoulder.
Gold star for Ali, she said. Now, then. Allow me to make introductions. Ladies, this is Ali, a very special friend of mine.
I stiffened, thinking she meant to tell them where wed met, but she didnt and I could have hugged her all over again.
Ali, this is Reeve, Poppy and Wren.
O-kay. No Janes, Beths, or Kellys here. Hello, I said, sounding as lame as always. The girls were as flawless as Kat, with stunning faces youd usually find only in magazines. They wore drool-worthy outfits, also found only in magazines.
Magazines. Yeah. Thats the only thing that made any sense. Kat had picked each girl out of Flawless Friends Forever, Im sure. In comparison, I felt frumpy and way outclassed, like Id been selected from Homeless Dogs Weekly.
Nice to meet you, said Wren, a gorgeous black girl with the most amazing caramel eyes.
Any friend of Kats said Poppy, a freckled redhead surely destined to marry a prince or something.
Im throwing a party this weekend. Reeve flicked her dark hair over one shoulder. Her features were striking, bold, and her skin the most beautiful sun-dusted color of bronze. Just a little get-together to celebrate surviving our first week of school. Well, our first three days.
Why did school always start in the middle of the week?
You have to come, she added.
I, uhhmm.
Id never been to a party, but Id certainly heard a lot about the ones my friends had attended. Therefore I knew that 1) Id be stuck in an overcrowded house with people I barely knew, 2) Id be stuck in an overcrowded house with drunk people I barely knew, because there would be drinkingnot only had my friends told me about that part, but my mother had forced me to watch enough after-school specials to fry a thousand brain cellsand 3) it would take place at night.
Once, all Id wanted was to go out at night. I would have given anything for a simple moonlit stroll. Arm? Leg? Why not my soul?
Now? Even the thought terrified me.
Shell definitely be there, Kat said. Ill make sure of it. Now, get, get. Ali and I need private time to catch up. She kissed each girl on the cheek and sent them all on their ways before returning her attention to me. So, you received your schedule, yes?
I ignored the fact that she had just guaranteed my party attendance. No reason to hurt her feelings with a belligerent (and childish) never, ever, you cant make me go! Yes. Having memorized the blocks, I rattled off my classes and prayed we had at least one together.
Rock on! Well have lunch and last block to plan our takeover attempt on the school. Ive already decided. Me and my girls are ruling. Now, Ill walk you to first period. Youre two buildings over so its gonna be a hike.
Are you over there, too?
Nah. Im here. She hitched her thumb at the door only a few feet away.
I glanced at the clock at the far end of the hall. We had six minutes until the tardy bell rang. Wont you be late to your own class?
Yeah, but dont worry. Grinning that sly little grin of hers, she twined her arm through mine. This is my humanitarian deed of the day. Besides, youll owe me. And yes, I always collect. Ask anyone. Theres not a single person in this school who doesnt owe me a favor. True story.
As tiny as she was, she had no problem pushing her way through the crowds, telling people off or flipping them off when they did or said something she didnt like. But she kept up a steady chatter with me, telling me everything I needed to know to survive.
Shes a skank. Hes a player. Hes cute but almost ODd last year, so hes a bad bet. Shes a two-faced, lying, cheating witch. Thats right, Trina, Im talking to you, she shouted. By the way, she added just for me, Trina cusses, which means cussing is trashy, which means my golden rule is to never cuss. I have class. Unlike Trina, the skank of Birmingham. That last part was, of course, shouted.