Ladies First
I notice a lot of this comedy they have on television is about relationships. Do you ever see this stuff? Relationship comedy? Well, I dont know much about relationships, but over the years Ive noticed a few things about the two sexes, and Id like to discuss them. Men and women: the big, hairy, noisy male creatures, and the smaller, smoother, but nonetheless also quite noisy, female creatures.
Heres all you need to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. Its not the only reason, but its a big one. And by the way, if you dont think men are stupid, check the newspaper. Ninety-nine percent of all the truly horrifying shit going on in this world was initiated, established, perpetrated, enabled or continued by men. And that includes the wave and the high five, two of history his truly low points.
But as I say, besides knowing that men are stupid, its also important to remember that women are crazy. And if you dont think women are crazy, ask a man. Thats the one thing men arent stupid about; they know for sure, way down deep in their hearts, that women are straight-out fuckin nuts.
But it doesnt just happen; it isnt an accident. Women have good reason to be nuts, the main one being that in the course of life, compared
with men, they have far more to put up with; they bear greater burdens. Think of it this way: In the Big Cosmic Cafeteria, as human beings move down the chow line of life and reach that section where the shit is being spooned out, women are given several extra portions.
And please understand, my motives here are not selfish or personal. Im
not saying all this stuff to get in good with womenalthough an occasional blow job would be nice. But its not a requirement. Its optional. BJO: Blow Job Optional. No, I just think it should be evident to any person whos being honestand thinking clearlythat women carry a lot more of lifes baggage than men.
To begin with, theyre smaller and weaker, so they get slapped, punched, raped, abused and, in general, get the shit beaten out of them on a rather regular basis. By men, of course, who are stronger. If women were stronger, this wouldnt be happening. Men would not raise a hand if they thought the balance was more equal; they would back down quickly. Then again, if women were stronger, they would probably be beating the shit out of men just for the fun of it. Its only fair.
APPEARANCE IS EVERYTHING
Another major problem for women: They have to look good all the timeor at least they think they do. So theyll be attractive to their male protectors. Gotta look good tonight, Joeys gonna beat the shit out of me. Maybe I can get a nice kick in the fuckin mouth. Gotta look my best.
And looking ones female best requires a lot of things. Start with cosmetics. Just think of all the products and procedures a woman is forced to deal with in the world of cosmetics: cleansers, toners, foundation, blush, face powder, lipstick, lip gloss, lip liner, eyeliner, eye shadow, eyebrow pencil, mascara, nail polish, nail polish remover, manicures, pedicures, fake fingernails, fake eyelashes . . .
GIMME SOME SKIN
. . . face cream, neck cream, eye cream, thigh cream, root cream, day cream, night cream, cold cream, wrinkle remover, makeup remover, hand lotions, body lotions, bath oils, bath beads, shower gels, bubble baths, scented baths,
perfumes, colognes, toilet water, astringents, moisturizers, emulsions, exfo-liants, peels, scrubs, depilatories, body wraps, facial masks . . .
HAIR HAIR!
. . . shampoos, conditioners, bleaches, dyes, rinses, tints, perms, straighteners, wigs, falls, rats, extensions, combs, barrettes, bobby pins, hairpins, hairnets, hair curlers, scrunchies, ribbons, bows, debacles, headbands . . .
PROCEDURES
. . . streaking, frosting, teasing, spraying, moussing, blow drying, cutting, layering, curling, eyelash curling, eyebrow plucking, armpit shaving, leg shaving, crotch shaving, crotch waxing, leg waxing, eyebrow waxing . . .
And a purse! A big fuckin1 purse so she can carry all this shit around with her. Especially the makeup, which must be close at hand at all times. Gotta have my makeup. In case 1 run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit outta me. I gotta look my best. Maybe hell punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesnt mark up my face. Hes so thoughtful.
I NAVE NOTHING TO WEAR
And, my friend, I hope youre aware that when we talk about women looking good, were also talking about clothing. Clothing is what generates all this shopping shit that occupies so much of a womans time. Because the truth is, women have to buy, own and wear an unbelievably bewildering number of garments:
TAKE IT OFF!!!
Slips, half-slips, camisoles, thongs, panties, pantyhose, stockings, half hose, knee-highs, anklets, socks, leg warmers, garter belts, girdles, corsets, training bras, padded bras, sports bras, nursing bras, push-up bras, strapless bras, Won