THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBORS GOODS.
This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbors goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays O Come All Ye Faithful, you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone.
You throw out coveting and youre down to two now: the big, combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we havent mentioned yet:
THOU SHALT NOT KILL.
Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
To cite a few examples, just think about Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folksespecially the truly devoutmurder is negotiable. It just depends on whos doing the killing and whos getting killed.
And so, with all of this in mind, folks, I offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments:
First:
THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.
And second:
THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE AVENGER THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.
Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldnt mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in his courthouse lobby. As long he included one additional commandment:
THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF!!!
THE FILTHY, DIRTY NEWS
ANNOUNCER: Its six oclock, time for Action-6 News with Leslie Crotchmonger and Dick Hopshteckler. Heres Leslie with todays top stories.
L: Good evening. First the headlines:
A giant man shits on Philadelphia.
An old man shows his soiled
anus to a waitress at an Olive Garden.
A small dog eats a mans balls and dies.
A crippled couple is arrested for fucking on a roller coaster.
Now the stories behind the headlines: In Philadelphia today, a giant man dropped his huge pants and squatted over Independence Hall. He then unleashed a
(Dick reaches over and grabs Leslies script.) D: Fuck you, you cunt, you did the headlines.
L: Lick my asshole, you dimwitted prick. My name comes first on the opening announcement.
D: Thats because you blew the news director.
L: At least I didnt blow a homeless guy who has the siff.
D: Oh yeah? Well, he wouldnt have the siff if you didnt fuck him in the Dumpster out back.
L: Eat my box.
D: Not without a gas mask, Dearie.
L: Keep fuckin with me, Little Dick, and Ill tell your wife about the Cub Scouts you went down on.
D: Leslie, the way were acting is crazy. Lets put all this petty, personal stuff behind us and act like professionals. What do you say?
L: Good idea. I agree.
D: So, whats coming up at six oclock?
L: How the fuck should I know? What do you think I am, a fuckin psychic?
D: No way! If you were psychic, you wouldve known you were gonna wind up with labia that hang down like satchel handles.
L: Thanks, Dick, thats real clever. By the way, doesnt that get to you? Being called Dick?
D: Being called Dick is a lot better than being called Dick Licker.
L: Eat shit, raisin balls! I hope you swallow a turd. Well, folks, thats it for Action-6News. Dont miss News at Eleven tonight as Rod Holder interviews a nun whos been receiving obscene phone calls from a man who says he wants to chew her bush during a funeral mass.
ANNOUNCER: Action-6 News has been brought to you by First Bank, meeting community needs since 1849. First Bank: Experience Out the Ass.
THATS THE SPIRIT
I dont understand these people who call themselves spiritual advisors. Franklin Graham, the unfortunate son of Billy Graham, is George Bushs spiritual advisor. Bill Clinton had Jesse Jackson.
Heres the part I dont understand: How can someone else advise you on your spirit? Isnt spirit an intensely personal, internal thing? Doesnt it, by its
very nature, elude definition, much less analysis? What kind of advice could some drone who has devoted his life to the self-deception of religion possibly give you about your spirit? It sounds like a hustle to me.
GUYS CALLED JUNIOR
I have no respect for any man who allows people to call him Junior; I immediately think hes a chump and a loser. To me, Junior means lower than, lesser than, beneath. Putting Junior on a kids name is just a way for a father to control and demean his son and prevent him from having an identity of his own. I dont like that whole cult-of-the-father thing in the first place. But apparently some guys self-esteem is just low enough that they accept it. I have no respect for them.
Pro sports is full of these hopelessly Daddy-addicted athletes who wouldnt think of taking a shit without their fathers approval. I especially have no respect for the ones whose fathers coached them in high school or college, or whose fathers played the same position they did. When I hear the sons of coaches and former athletes talking on television, they sound to me like parent-pleasers and ass-kissers. Why dont they grow up?