my database is in cyberspace;
so Im interactive, Im hyperactive,
and from time to time Im radioactive.
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet, pushin the envelope.
Im on point, on task, on message, and off drugs.
Ive got no need for coke and speed; Ive got no urge to binge and purge.
Im in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.
A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder.
I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.
Im a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.
A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic; out of rehab and in denial.
Ive got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.
You cant shut me up; you cant dumb me down.
Cause Im tireless, and Im wireless. Fm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.
Im a nonbeliever, Im an overachiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home; low-rent, high-maintenance.
Im super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last.
A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case;
prematurely posttraumatic,
and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail
But Tm feeling, Im caring, Im healing, Im sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary-care giver.
My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail, I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.
Im gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.
I like rough sex; I like tough love. I use the f-word in my email. And the software on my hard drive is hard-coreno soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane.
Im toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes.
A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle.
Ive been pre-washed, pre-cooked, preheated, pre-screened, pie-approved, prepackaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped and vacuum-packed.
And I have unlimited broadband capacity.
Im a rude dude, but Im the real deal. Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock; rough, tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow, I go with the flow;
I ride with the tide, Ive got glide in my stride.
Drivin and movin, sailin and spinnin; jivin and groovin, wailin and winnin.
I dont snooze, so I dont lose. I keep the pedal to the metal
and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time.
Im hangin1 in, there aint no doubt; and Im hangin tough. Over and out.
EUPHEMISMS: Its a Whole New Language
Euphemistic language turns up in many areas of American life in a variety of situations. Not all euphemisms are alike, but they have one thing in common: They obscure meaning rather than enhance it; they shade the truth. But they exist for various reasons.
Sometimes they simply replace a word that makes people uncomfortable. For instance, the terms white meat, dark meat and drumstick came into use because in Victorian times people didnt like to mention certain body parts. No one at the dinner table really wanted to hear Uncle Herbert say, Never mind the thighs, Margaret, let me have one of those nice, juicy breasts. It wouldve made them uncomfortable.
And at the same time, for the same reason, belly became stomach. But even stomach sounded too intimate, so they began saying tummy. Its actually a bit sad.
I first became aware of euphemisms when I was nine years old. I was in the living room with my mother and my aunt Lil when I mentioned that
Lil had a mole on her face. My mother was quick to point out that Lil didnt have a mole, she had a beauty mark.
That confused me because, looking at Lil, the beauty mark didnt seem to be working. And it confused me further, because my uncle John also had a brown thing on his face, and it was clearly not a beauty mark. And so on that day, I discovered that on some people what appeared to be moles were actually beauty marks. And as it turned out, they were the same people whose laugh lines looked a lot like crows-feet.
By the way, that whole beauty-mark scam worked so well that some women routinely began using eyebrow pencils to apply fake beauty marksa fake mole being something no self-respecting woman would ever think of giving herself. Somehow, I cant imagine Elizabeth Taylor turning to Joan Crawford and saying, Lend me your eyebrow pencil, Joanie, Im gonna put a fake mole on my face.
By the way, it was only a few years after the Aunt Lil incident that I took comfort in the fact that some people apparently thought my ugly pimples were nothing more than minor skin blemishes.
Another role euphemisms play is to simply put a better face on things, to dress up existing phrases that sound too negative. Nonprofit became not-for-profit, because nonprofit sounded too much as though someone didnt know what they were doing. Not-for-profit makes it clear that there was never any intention of making a profit in the first place.