But some words that are euphemized arent even vaguely negative, they re merely considered too ordinary. For that reason, many things that used to be free are now complimentary. Asking the hotel clerk if the newspapers are free makes you sound like a mooch, but Are the newspapers complimentary? allows you to retain some small bit of dignity. This is the reason some hotels offer their guests complimentary continental breakfasts, while others give their customers free doughnuts.
If youre one who would enjoy a closer look at euphemisms, you 11 find a
number of sections in the book that will interest you. I broke the euphemisms into segments, because they play such a large and varied role in American speech. And I call it The New Language, because its certainly new to me; I know I didnt grow up with it. And thats my larger point: that its gotten worse over time. There were probably a few early signs I noticed, but 1 knew the problem was getting serious when I began to hear ordinary people refer to ideas as concepts. More to come.
STIFF UPPER LIP, YOU KNOW
Imagine two different commercial airliners taking long, fatal plunges directly into the ground from high altitudes. One is a British Airways plane filled with staid English diplomats and upper-class landed gentry. The other plane is Alitalia, filled with uneducated Sicilian, Greek and Turkish peasants. As the two planes dive toward certain destruction, which one do you think will have the louder screaming and the more colorful praying, cursing and blasphemy? You get one guess. Hint: It isnt the British plane.
Eye Blaster: Get One Now
Are your eyes dry and itchy? Its possible you may have dry, itchy eyes. Dont take a chance. Call now for Eye Blaster, a special, self-powered unit that blasts hot, refreshing steam directly into the eyes to relieve symptoms fast. Just plug in the Eye Blaster and wait forty-five minutes for full heat and steam pressure to build up. Then blast the scalding hot steam directly into your eyes for thirty to forty minutes. Submerge your head immediately in ice water for fifteen
minutes, then repeat the steam treatment. Repeat these steps seven times and then take a breather. Do not use more than fifteen times in one twenty-four-hour period. Children under five should not use Eye Blaster unsupervised. When using on pets, tie pet to a chair before blasting. Safe for old people. Doctor approved, but not eye doctors. Call now.
HAND ME MY PURSE
Boxing is an activity in which each of two men, by delivering a series of repeated, sharp blows to the head, attempts to render the other senseless, leaving him lying on the floor, unable to act rationally, defend himself or even stand up. If one of the two men is knocked down and beaten into an only partially blank and helpless mental state, the other is made to stand aside and the contest is halted momentarily, while the damaged man regains just enough strength to stand up and have the beating continueto the point where he is again lying on the floor, this time completely immobile and functionless. Afterward, the two men embrace in a display of good sportsmanship.
REMEMBER YOUR UNCLE JOHN?
Hi Billy. Im Uncle John. I came up to say goodnight. You remember your Uncle John, dont you? You remember the time
I took you down to the beach and we set the hot dog stand on fire and three people died? Wasnt that fun? Remember run-nin away from the police? And how we hid in the sewer and Uncle John got poopoo all over him? And he wiped it on your coat? You remember? And then I took you to the bar and got drunk and vomited on the jukebox? And sparks started
flyin out of the jukebox and a fire started? And all the people were screamin? Remember that? Remember the screamin? And the ambulances? Wasnt that fun?
And do you remember that other time? The time I took you to the circus? The lion got loose and ate a monkey? Wasnt that fun? And they had to kill the lion? And the monkeys got real sad, so they had to kill the monkeys, too? Wasnt that fun? And then the man fell off the trapeze and smashed into the ground, and they had to kill him? And all the other trapeze people got real sad and they had to kill them too? Hah? Wasnt that fun?
Why are you cryin, Billy? Please dont cry. If you stop cryin, 111 take you to the rodeo. Wouldnt that be fun? Maybe someone will get trampled, or gored. They we got horsies and cows, too, you know. Maybe theyll have to kill a horsie. Or a cow. And if they kill a cow, maybe well get to eat him in a hamburger. Wouldnt that be fun? Please dont cry.
Remember the time you fell outta my car? Remember, you were lookin out the window, and we went around a corner real fast to keep from hittin that lady? And you went flyin out the window and hit the pole, head first? And the doctor had to sew your head up with a big needle? Ive got a boat now, Billy. You wanna go out on my boat? I promise Ill be careful. Are you asleep yet? Billy? Please stop cryin.
COUNT THE SUPERFLUOUS REDUNDANT PLEONASTIC TAUTOLOGIES