Are you still talking about Carly? he asked. Or us?
Nikki flushed. Obviously our history has colored my perceptions, but you cant blame me for wanting to protect Carly.
I would never hurt her, Nikki.
I would never hurt you, Nikki. Yes, shed heard those words before. Shed even believed them at one time. Not anymore.
If you really want to be her father, you have to start thinking about whats best for Carly. You need to consider how it will affect her when you walk out of her life as abruptly as youve walked into it.
Dammit, Nicole. What do you want from me? What am I supposed to do to prove that Im committed?
I dont know, she admitted. But you dont get to call yourself her father until youre ready to take the responsibility of being a father.
Maybe we should see what a family-court judge says about it.
The words, once theyd been spoken, surprised Colin as much as they surprised Nikki. He certainly hadnt come over here this morning with the intention of threatening to take her to court. But he should have expected the unexpectednothing had gone according to plan since hed walked back into this town.
And although he was tempted to follow through on the threat, to force Nikki to accept him as part of Carlys life, he knew he couldnt. Court documents were a matter of public record, accessible to anyone who cared to look. Filing a legal claim to his daughter would not only announce his location to the world but potentially endanger Carly as well.
Despite Detective Brocks phone call last night advising of Duncan Parnells arrest, Colin remained wary. Unless and until Parnell signed a confession, he couldnt let himself believe the threat had passed. He couldnt let his guard down for a minute, which meant he couldnt sue for custody of his child.
But Nikki didnt know this, and her face drained of all color in response to his impulsive statement. You wouldnt dare.
Dont tempt me, he warned.
She blinked back the tears that shimmered in her eyes. Im only trying to do whats best for Carly. Why cant you see that?
How can not knowing her father be best?
It has to be better than knowing he didnt care enough to stick around.
He raked his fingers through his hair. Dammit, Nikki. I didnt know you were pregnant.
And I didnt think youd care!
Her outburst, and the depth of her anger, stunned him into silence for a moment.
How could you think that? he asked at last. How could you think Id walk away from my child?
I didnt know what to think, Nikki said bluntly. But I didnt think the man whod told me hed love me forever would serve me with divorce papers ten months after our wedding, either.
You know why I ended our marriage,
Colin said.
No, I dont. Ive listened to all the reasons youve given to justify your decision, but I still dont understand how you could walk out when you supposedly loved me. How could I be sure that you wouldnt walk out on your child, too?
Because I wouldnt, he said simply.
He might be a lot of things, but irresponsible wasnt one of them. Having a baby wasnt something theyd planned, but if hed known she was carrying his child, he would have done everything in his power to make their marriage work.
You told me you didnt want kids.
He frowned, having only a vague recollection of a conversation in which shed asked him about children. It had been shortly after their wedding, and hed been too preoccupied with his new wife and his lost career to think about anything else. He probably had said he didnt want them, certainly not at the time.
Maybe I did, he agreed. But theres a huge difference between the theory of a child and the reality of a little girl who is my own flesh and blood.
Which reminded him of another issue that had nagged at the back of his mind since hed first set eyes on Carly. Hed been stunned, not just by the fact that Nikki had had a child, but by the realization that hed fathered the child. Because if there was one thing in his life that Colin had always been circumspect about, it was birth control.
He always used protection. Even after he and Nikki had been married, hed kept a supply of condoms in the bedside table. Hed never made love to her without one.
Except
When is Carlys birthday? he asked abruptly.
She showed no hint of surprise at the question. October sixth.
He did a quick mental calculation, confirmed from her response what hed only just begun to suspect: their child had been conceived the very last weekend theyd been together. The weekend hed come home to bury his father.
Nikki nodded, somehow following his thoughts, confirming his conclusion.
That weekend had been hell for Colin. Hed been overwhelmed with grief and guilt, and hed willingly lost himself in the comfort shed offered without thought of the consequenceswithout thought of anything but how much he needed her. Hed taken advantage of her warmth and her compassion and her love, and then hed walked out on her.
He scrubbed a hand over his face. The separation necessitated by his job had been difficult for both of them, and that weekend hed finally acknowledged the truth of what his father had been sayingNikki deserved more than a husband who was gone most of the time. She deserved so much more than he could give her.