I loved you too much to use our baby to hold on to you. I didnt want you to resent me, and our child, for keeping you here when it wasnt where you wanted to be.
She swallowed around the lump in her throat. And there was a part of me that was afraid it wouldnt be enough to hold you, anyway. That you would still choose your career over your family.
Did you ever consider a third optionthat I might have wanted to be a father to our child?
Of course shed considered it. When the doctor had confirmed her pregnancy, shed fantasized about telling him. In that fantasy, Colin had been ecstatic to learn she was carrying his child. Hed shouted with joy and kissed her breathless. Then hed taken her away and theyd lived happily ever after in a house full of children.
But the reality was that theyd married without ever talking about children. At the time, shed been so thrilled to be Colins wife she hadnt worried about anything else. Shed known she wanted to have his child some day, and shed taken it for granted that he wanted the same thing.
When shed finally broached the subject a couple of months later, shed been both shocked and hurt to hear him say he didnt want a family. But she hadnt pursued the topic, certain hed change his mind over time.
Being served with a petition for divorce had effectively annihilated that fantasy. Still, she knew now that shed been wrong to blame him for destroying a dream he couldnt have known about. And after a long minute of agonizing silence, she finally whispered, Im sorry.
Sorry that I found out?
She shook her head, blinked back tears. Sorry that I didnt try to tell you sooner. Regardless of what happened between us, you are her father and you had a right to know.
Colin remained silent.
I am sorry, she said, surprised at how good it felt to say those words. I never meant to hurt you or Carly by keeping my pregnancy a secret. And Im sorry thats what happened.
So am I.
What do you want me to do now? she asked helplessly. Ive apologized. Ive tried to make you understand why I made the decisions I did. Okay, so maybe I screwed up. Maybe I should have done things differently. But its too late to change that now.
When he finally spoke, his tone was ripe with bitterness and accusation. I dont know if I can ever forgive you for this.
We both made mistakes, she reminded him. Cant we just admit that and move on?
I dont know how to get past your lies, your deception.
Nikki again felt the sting of tears behind her eyes.
Does Carly know anything about me?
Shes only started to ask questions about her dad, Nikki admitted. Ive told her as much as I can without lying to her.
His eyes narrowed. What have you told her?
That he didnt live with us because he worked in Texas.
He seemed to consider her explanation for a long moment.
Its not a big deal to her, Nikki explained. A lot of her friends live in single-parent families.
Its a big deal to me, he said.
Thats not what I meant. I was only trying to explain that she hasnt missed not having a father.
Does that help you sleep at nightbelieving she doesnt need a father?
I didnt say she didnt need a father, she said wearily. In a perfect world, every child would have two parents who love her. But this isnt a perfect world, and Ive done the best that I can for Carly.
Then where do I fit in?
Nikki hesitated, knowing that her response was only going to infuriate him even more. But shed thought about that question all night, and she was determined to put her daughters interests first. I dont want you forcing your way into her life if you dont plan on staying. It would be worse for Carly to find her father and lose him, than never to have a father at all.
Why is that your decision to make? Colin challenged.
Because shes my daughter and I dont want her to be hurt. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she recognized her mistake. Of course, it was already too late.
Shes my daughter, too, he shot back. And I want to be part of her life. I want her to know who I am.
You want her to call you Daddy?
I am her father, he reminded her.
You cant expect to show up, after five years, and
I might have shown up sooner, he pointed out coldly, if Id known about my child.
Might being the operative word, Nikki shot back.
In any event, Colin continued, his tone icy, I dont think youre in any position to put conditions on my relationship with Carly.
Im the one who will have to deal with the fallout when youre not around anymore.
Im not going anywhere.
What happens if your contract is renewed in Texas?
Im not going to debate with you about something that might or might not happen, he said.
Shes the one wholl be hurt when you leave town again.
Why are you so quick to assume that Id abandon her?
Nikki looked away. She was afraid for Carly, but she was also afraid for herself. Colin affected her as no other man ever had, and she couldnt bear to see him walk out on her again. And she knew that he would leave. Sooner or later, Colin always left.
Because youre always looking for something better. And when a situation becomes a little too difficult, you walk away rather than trying to make it work.