Sir, I want you to say the alphabet backward. Now . Her arms were crossed over her chest, and underneath, her breasts filled out the tight blue shirt.
I looked around. There were a lot of neighbors now. All the grown-ups and their kids, and Mrs. Bachman, her froggy, scowling face, with those red German cheeks, below that frumpy white hair.
Everyone waited solemnly; the lady cop looked as hard as Rushmore. I just wanted to go to Donkey Island where bad boys in leather jackets could smoke cigarettes and play pool and crash cars. I turned to the lady cop and said, Z-Y-X F-U-C-K U! U! U! U! And I kept saying that letter while two cops bent me over the smashed-up hood of my Nissan Stanza. They cuffed me and walked me to the cruiser at the end of the driveway. The lady cop was shaking her head. The others guided me into the backseat, pushing down on my neck as I yelled, U! U! U! , so loud. I tried to break Mrs. Bachmans hearing aid. If I could just reach those neighbors and tell them, U! U! U!
A month later, I went to court. My dad took me. I was assigned a lawyer. She told me I had to call the judge maam or Your Honor. We waited for the judge and I kept hearing this line from this song in my head: You down with O.P.P. (Yeah you know me). It had nothing to do with anything, but it kept going around in my head. Then the judge walked in from the side. She was in the black thing and had a thin face and glasses and long brown hair. She sat and looked at my police record and my school record.
You know, Teddy, she said, normally I get kids in here who cant multiply fifty by two, but you, youre smart.
Thank you, Your Honor, I said. O.P.P. was blasting.
She told me she ought to put me in juvenile hall, but it was hard to hear because of all those guys singing in my head. She said she would give me one more chance and make me a ward of the court, which meant I belonged to the state.
If you do anything, if you are caught jaywalking, I will put you right into juvenile hall, is that clear?
Yes, sir, I said.
Maam, said my lawyer.
Maam.
And as part of your probation, youll do sixty hours of community service.
Yes, maam.
And youll make an official apology to Miss Grossman, the woman you hit.
Yes, maam. We got to leave and finally, on the drive home with my dad, those guys in my head shut up.
The next week I reported to my probation officer and set up a supervised apology with Sally Grossman. We met at the little place Sandwich Etc. in midtown, not far from where the accident had happened. Sally Grossman was fat, and she came with her fat friend, and there was a moderator there, Jake. He had combed white hair and a weak, kind face. We all had coffee and we sat around a small round table and looked at one another. I said I was really sorry. Sally Grossman looked like she liked that, but
out together. All those dudes.
So? I said.
And they lived together in a cave.
So?
All in a cave! Gay! Dirty and gay, said Fred. As if he was the cleanest guy.
Great fucking point, Fred. I mean, what childrens book character isnt gay?
Fred didnt answer. Then he said, A lot of them.
Cat in the Hat? I said. Gay. The Grinch? Gay. Hungry Caterpillar? He turns into a butterfly, gay! Now Fred was thinking about it. I continued, The Runaway Bunny, the bunny in Goodnight Moon, the Velveteen Rabbit, Peter Rabbit, all gay. All rabbits are gay.
No.
Theyre sensitive, but different, but also like boys, but then also not.
He thought, and then said, Yeah, I guess they are.
The little boy who flies around naked in Night Kitchen, and Max from Where the Wild Things Are, gay!
Bullshit, Max isnt gay.
Bull true, he dresses up in his little white wolf suit, so gay. And then he tells his mom to fuck off
Thats not gay
. . . and then he goes to an island and hangs around with a bunch of monsters who party with him all night, dancing and parading him around on their backs.
Thats so weird, but I think its kind of true, said Fred.
All little-kids stories have to be like that. They have to be all soft and gay, so that the moms are okay with it.
Fred sat there, and then he said, I want a wolf suit.
Yeah, me too, I said.
I cant think of anything sexier than a skintight, furry wolf suit, said Fred. He was really laughing a lot, almost too loud. Those three bakers looked like they were laughing too.
That night I had a dream. There were rainbows everywhere and I was driving all over town in my dads busted car, wearing a white wolf suit. The car was making this horrible grinding sound with a whine underneath it. Whenever I hit another car, it just bounced off me and I would cackle.
Two days later, I went into the library to work. The place was empty as usual. I stopped at the front desk. Judy, the brown-haired one, was there.
I really like it here, I said.
We like you, Teddy, she said. Youre always welcome here, even after everything is over.
I said thank you and walked toward the back room. Down the hall, Mags, the gray-haired one, came out of the bathroom and slowly made her way toward me. When we passed, I smiled, and she smiled a wrinkled smile and said quietly, Good boy, good boy.