Thats why I always travel with Flintstone vitamins. Not only do Flintstone vitamins contain all the vital nutrients kids need each day, they also keep grown-ups out of jail.
Honest, Officer, theyre Flintstone vitamins. Look, theres Wilma and Barney.
By God, Ben, hes right. Look at this. Its Dino! Its a little purple Dino!
Suddenly, youre a free man. And a healthy one, too!
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-9 ??RICE KRISPIES ?
I had an interesting morning; I got into an argument with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard, Snap, crackle, fuck you! Im not sure which one of them
said it; I was reaching for the artificial sweetener at the time and not looking directly into the bowl. But I heard it and I said, Well, you can all just sit right there in the milk as far as Im concerned until I find out which one of you said it. Mass punishment. The idea is to turn them against one another.
Silly me. Big punishment! Thats what Rice Krispies do. Sit in the milk. Thats their job. Youve seen them. Delicate, beige blisters of air, floating proudly in the milk. And you cant sink them. They refuse to sink. The navy ought to use Rice Krispies in life preservers. Thats where theyre really needed.
And do you know how Rice Krispies manage to float for such a long time? By clinging to one another; they buddy up. They gather in little groups of eight, ten, or sometimes twelve, but if youve noticed, its always an even number. Thats because the electromagnetic polarity of the Krispies attracts them to one another. It binds them into pairs, like subatomic particles. They form little colonies, and you cant sink them, not even with a spoon. They just come bobbing up over the sides of the spoon, laughing at you and reveling in their buoyancy. Hard to sink.
Thats what the fruit is for. Not for added taste; not for nutrition; its for sinking the Rice Krispies. Believe me, a good-sized peach, hurled at the bowl full force from a stepladder, can take down eighty or ninety of the little buggers in one glorious splash.
And I have absolutely no mercy. If Im really pissed, Ill climb up to the upstairs balcony and drop a watermelon on them. Thatll teach them to sass me at breakfast.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-10 ??THE MORNING NEWS ?
London police fired warning shots over the heads of rioters today. Unfortunately, they killed six members of the royal family watching from a balcony.
A Wisconsin woman claims that last month she was taken aboard a space ship where aliens cleaned her teeth, fitted her with a diaphragm, and gave her a Valium prescription good for three refills. She also claims that while aboard the ship she was introduced to Richard Simmons.
A spokesman for the Vatican announced today that in Rome a statue of St. Peter has come to life and is passing along fishing tips and veal recipes.
The California Humane Society has filed a criminal complaint against a man they say is keeping tropical fish in a moving blender. The man admits it is true but says he has never turned the blender above Mix. The Humane Society claims hes had it up to Whip and Puree several times.
John Barrow, a Vermont man, is suing his minister for religious malpractice. He claims the minister wrongfully included him in a prayer being said to shrink the size of another mans brain tumor. Although the cancer patient has completely recovered, Barrow says his own head is now the size of a walnut.
A Florida man who wrestles alligators for a living was eaten alive today when the alligator apparently did not understand the universal signal for time-out.
Amtrak officials have announced that as of the first of July, all passenger service will be discontinued except for a single train that will operate only in an eastbound direction.
Chief Justice William Rehnquist had an embarrassing moment in court last week. During an oral argument, the chief justice farted quite loudly. Recovering quickly, and displaying his vaunted wit, Rehnquist said, One more outburst like that, and Ill clear the court.
The Loch Ness monster surfaced today, and in a clear Scottish accent asked if she had any messages.
A Kentucky man has been arrested for making an unauthorized deposit in a sperm bank.
The U.S. Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims has been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
An Ohio man whose library book was fourteen years overdue has taken his own life rather than pay the huge fine. Asked how such a thing could happen, his wife said, I dont know. We looked and looked, and simply couldnt find it.
And finally, heres one for The Guinness Book of World Records. A Baltimore man recently broke a longtime mental record when a forty-four-year-long thought he was having came to an end. When asked what he had been thinking of he said he couldnt remember, but that it would probably come back to him. He added that quite possibly it had something to do with his hat.