The announcements suddenly cease. Were about to take off. Time for me to drift off to sleep, so the captain can later awaken me repeatedly with the many valuable sight-seeing announcements he will be making along the way. Im always amazed at the broad knowledge these men have of the United States. And some of them apparently have really good eyesight:
For you folks seated on the left side of the plane, thats old Ben Hubbards place down there. And whaddeya know, theres Ben comin out onto his porch right now. Whats he doin? By God, hes pickin his nose. Wow! Look at that one! That is one prize booger. And look, hes throwin it into a bush. Aint that just like old Ben? Over on the right . . .
Zzzzzzzz.
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Suddenly Im awake. The flight is almost over, and somehow, along the way, the captain has become politicized. His latest offering:
Ladies and gentlemen, we have just begun our gradual descent into the Los Angeles area, similar in many ways to the gradual descent of this once great nation from a proud paragon of God-fearing virtue to a third-rate power awash in violence, sexual excess, and personal greed . . .
I drift off again and awaken just as the end-of-flight announcements are being made: The captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. Here we go again. Who gives a shit who turned on the sign? What does that have to do with anything? Its on, isnt it? And by the way, isnt it about time we found out who made this man a captain? Did I sleep through some sort of armed-forces
swearing-in ceremony? Captain, my ass, the man is a fucking pilot, and he should be happy with that. If those sight-seeing announcements are any mark of his intelligence, the mans lucky to be working at all.
Having endured enough nonsense from this so-called captain, I finally raise my voice: Tell the captain, Air Marshal Carlin says he should go fuck himself!
The next sentence I hear is filled with language that pisses me off: Before leaving the aircraft, please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought on board. Well, lets start with immediate seating area. Seat! Its a goddamn seat! For any personal belongings . . . Well, what other kinds of belongings do they think I have? Public? Do they honestly think I brought along a fountain I stole from the park? . . . you might have brought on board. Well, I might have brought my Shoshone arrowhead collection. I didnt. So Im not going to look for it.
Then they say well be landing shortly. Doesnt that sound like were going to miss the runway? Final approach is not too promising either. Final is not a good word to be using on an airplane. Sometimes the pilot will speak up and say, Well be on the ground in fifteen minutes. Well, that seems a little vague. On the ground could mean any number of things. Most of them not very good.
By this time were taxiing in, and the flight attendant is saying, Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport . . . Well, how can someone who is just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she hasnt gotten to yet? Doesnt this violate some law of physics? Weve been on the ground barely four seconds, and shes comin on like the mayors wife. . . . where the local time . . . Well, of course its the local time. What did they think I was expecting? The time in Norway?
Enjoy your stay in Los Angeles or wherever your final destination might be. Someone should really tell these airline people that all destinations are final. Thats what destination means. Destiny. Its final. Think of it this way: if you havent gotten where youre going, you probably arent there yet.
The captain has asked . . . More shit from the bogus captain. You know, for someone whos supposed to be flying an airplane, hes taking a mighty big interest in what Im doing back here. . . . that you remain seated until he has brought the aircraft to a complete stop. A complete stop. Not a partial stop. No. Because during a partial stop, I partially get up, partially get my bags, and partially leave the plane.
Please continue to observe the No Smoking sign until well inside the terminal. Folks, Ive tried this. Let me tell you it is physically impossible to observe the No Smoking sign, even from just outside the airplane, much less from well inside the terminal. In fact, you cant even see the airplanes from well inside the terminal.
Which brings us to terminal. Another unfortunate word to be using in association with air travel. And they use it all over the airport, dont they? Somehow, I cant get hungry at a place called the Terminal Restaurant. Then again, if youve ever eaten there, you know the name is quite appropriate.
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Most vitamin pills dont have names or trademarks on them; theyre just plain-looking unmarked pills. And if youre traveling with a lot of vitamins, and in order to save space youve put them all in one big jar, you have no way of proving what they are. If, for instance, the police should search your suitcase, all theyre going to know is that you have a big jar of unmarked pills. And should they be in the mood to break your balls, they can hold you for twenty-four hours while they send these little things down to the lab and see what weve got here. And you wind up in jail overnight for no reason at all.