He cant help ithe just doesnt know what time it is.
Home Alone
Its especially bad when you go out and leave him alone. He thinks youre never coming back. Never. That must be what he thinks, or else why would he act the way he does when you finally get home? All hyper and excited and revved up like he just ate a pound and a half of methamphetamine:
Oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy!! IthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehomeIthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehomeIthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehome! I was so scared. I was so lonely. Scared and lonely. I didnt know what to do. I was all alone. I thought I would never eat again. I dont know how to prepare food. Im a dog. I cant cook. I cant do anything. I dont even know how to operate a can opener. How do ya do that? What do you do, push down the little handle? Couldnt figure it out. Gimme some food. Gimme a kiss. Shake hands. Heres my paw. You want me to roll over? Ill do it. Just dont leave me! Dont go! Dont go! I swear, Ill never pee in the house again! Ill never pee anywhere again! Just dont leave me alone!
And it doesnt matter how long youve been gone. They go into this speed-freak mode even if all you did was forget your hat and come back a few seconds later.
Oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy! Ithoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehome! Et cetera, et cetera. Is that how ya say that? Et cetera? Anyway, I got hungry. Again. The minute you left. I was gonna eat the cat. I couldnt find him. Where the fucks the cat? What did ya do, hide the cat?
Lester, will you stop it? Calm down! I was just here a few seconds ago!
They really miss you. And they have no idea what time it is.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-29 ??SOME LIKE IT HOT ?
Think for a moment about flamethrowers. The fact that we have them at all. Well, actually we dont have them, the army has them. You know, I hadnt thought of that; the army has all the flamethrowers. Id say were jolly well fucked if we have to go up against
the army, wouldnt you?
My point is that there are even such things as flamethrowers in the first place. What it indicates to me is that at some point, some person, Phil perhaps, said to himself, Look at all those people across the road. What I wouldnt give to set them on fire. But Im much too far away. If only I had some device that would shoot flames on them.
Well, the whole thing mightve ended right there, but Phil happened to mention it to his friend, Dwyane, one of those people whos good with tools. About a month later, Dwayne was back.
Phil, that idea of yours? Quite a concept. Watch!
WHOOOOOOSH! WHOOOOOOMPH! CRACKLE! BURN!
Before long, the army came around. Hi boys. We want to buy 500,000 of those flamethrowers. We have a long list of people wed like to set on fire. Give us 500,000 and have them camouflaged. We dont want anyone seeing them until theyre fully consumed by flames.
Phil and Dwayne made lots of money and died in a fireworks accident on the 4th of July.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-30 ??MAYBE THEYLL ADOPT ?
Concerning news coverage at the National Zoo: Do you care if the pandas fuck? I dont. Why dont they stop telling us the pandas didnt fuck again this year? Im not concerned. I have no emotional stake in panda-fucking. If they want to they will, if not, theyll watch The Price Is Right.
Probably the only reason the pandas arent fucking on schedule is because some environmental jackoff has moved into the cage with them. Could you get a hard-on if some loser in a green T-shirt was taking your girlfriends rectal temperature? Leave these creatures alone. And please God, save the planet from environmentalists.
? HYPERLINK file:///E:\\Documents%20and%20Settings\\Dom\\Desktop\\1791_NapalmSillyPutty%5B1%5D\\Napalm_body-contents.html \l TOC-31 ??THE MISCELLANEOUS AILMENTS FOUNDATION ?
Not every human ailment has a telethon to help raise money. This space is donated to the Miscellaneous Ailments Foundation. If you or a loved one suffer from any of the following conditions, open your heart, dig deep, and give what you can. And please, no small donations. Try to give more than you can afford.
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