I couldnt be her, I said a little shakily. I wasnt in the earth when you got free. Id been living on the earth for the past seventeen years.
He kept caressing my hair as he answered me, A-ya had been gone for centuries, dissolved once more into the earth that made her. You are simply she, reborn through a daughter of man. That is why you are different from the others.
That cant be true. Im not her. I didnt know you when you rose, I blurted.
Are you quite sure you didnt know me? I could feel the cold of his skin radiating toward my body, and I wanted to lean into him. My heart was beating hard again, only this time it wasnt from fear. I wanted to be close to this fallen angel worse than Id ever wanted anything in my life. The desire I felt for him was even more than the pull of Heaths Imprinted blood. What would it be like to taste Kalonas blood? The thought made me shiver with the delicious, forbidden impulse. You feel it, too, he murmured. You were made for me; you belong to me.
His words slashed through the haze of my desire. I stood up and stepped around the end of the bench, putting the marble arm of it between us. No. I do not belong to you. I dont belong to anyone except myself and Nyx.
You always hearken back to that wretched Goddess! The seductive intimacy evaporated from his voice, and he was once again the cold, amoral angel whose moods shifted on a whim and who could kill with little more than a thought. Why do you insist on being loyal to her? She isnt here. He spread his arms wide and his magnificent wings rustled around him like a living cape. When you most need her, she steps away from you and lets you make mistakes.
Its called free will, I said.
And what is so wonderful about free will? Humans eternally misuse it. Life can be so much happier without it.
I shook my head. But I wouldnt be me anymore without it. Id be your puppet.
Not you. I would not take your will away. His face changed instantly, shifting back to loving angel, the being who was so beautiful it was easy to understand why someone might throw away their free will just to be close to him.
Thankfully, that someone wasnt me.
The only way you could get me to love you would be to take away my free will and then order me to be with you, like I was your slave. I braced myself for the explosion I thought my words would cause, but he didnt yell or jump off the bench or throw any kind of fit. Instead he simply said, Then we are to be enemies, you and I.
He didnt say it like a question, so I decided my best bet was not to answer him. Instead I asked, Kalona, what do you want?
You, of course, my A-ya.
I shook my head and impatiently brushed aside his answer. No, I dont mean that. I mean, why are you here to begin with? Youre not mortal. YouWell I paused, not sure how far I could push this subject safely, then finally decided I might as well go for it; hed already said we were going to be enemies. You fell, right? From, I dont know, someplace that must be what many mortals would call heaven. I paused again, waiting for some kind of response from him.
Kalona nodded slightly. I did.
On purpose?
He looked vaguely amused. Yes, it was my choice that brought me here.
Well, why did you do it? What do you want?
Another change came over his features. He blazed with a brilliance that could only be immortal. Kalona stood, threw his arms wide as his wings unfurled, spreading around him with a magnificence that made it hard for me to look at him and impossible for me to look away.
Everything! he cried in the voice of a god. I want everything!
And then he was there before me, a shining angelnot fallen at all, just miraculously here, within reach. Mortal enough to touch, but too beautiful to be anything but a god.
Are you sure you couldnt love me? He pulled me into his arms. His wings swept down and enfolded me in their soft darkness, a blanket that was in direct contradiction to the wonderful, painful chill of his body that I was coming to know so well. He bent, and slowly, as if giving me time to pull away, brought his mouth down to mine.
When our lips met, the kiss burned with colbea ^r Ed heat through my body. I felt myself fall. His body, his soul, was all that I knew. I wanted to press myself into him, have him lose himself in me. The question wasnt, could I love him, but how could I not love him? An eternity of embracing himpossessing himloving himcouldnt possibly be enough.
An eternity of embracing him
The thought speared through me. A-ya had been created to love him and embrace him for eternity.
Oh, Goddess! my mind cried, am I really A-ya?
No. I couldnt be. I wouldnt let myself be!
I shoved against him. Our embrace had been such a complete and passionate surrender that my sudden rejection caught him by surprise. He staggered back, letting me slip through the double embrace of his arms and wings.
No! I was shaking my head back and forth like a crazy woman. I am not her! I am Zoey Redbird, and if I love someone, its because hes worth loving, and not because Im a piece of dirt thats been brought to life.
His amber eyes narrowed as anger flashed across his face. He started toward me.
No! I screamed.
I was jolted awake to the sounds of Nala hissing like crazy and someone sitting on the side of my bed, trying to defend himself against my flailing arms.
Zoey! Its okay. Wake up! Ow! Shit! the guy said as my fist connected with his cheek.
Get away from me! I cried.
He trapped both of my wrists in one of his hands. Get a grip! Then he reached out and flipped on my bedside light.
I blinked up at the guy who was sitting on my bed rubbing his cheek.
Stark, what the hell are you doing in my room?
CHAPTER 24
I was walking by in the hall out there and I heard your cat yowling and hissing, and then you started yelling. I thought you were in trouble. Stark glanced over at my heavily draped window. Thought maybe a Raven Mocker had gotten in here. Cats really hate them, you know. Anyway, thats why I came busting in.
You just happened to be walking by my room at I glanced at my clock. At noon?
He shrugged, and his lips tilted up in that cocky smile of his that I liked so much. Well, I guess it was more planned than coincidence.
You can let go of me now, I said.
Reluctantly, his hold on my wrists relaxed, but he didnt actually let go of me. I had to pull my hands from his.
That must have been one awful nightmare, he said.
Yeah, it was. I scooted back so that I leaned against the headboard of my bed. Nala had settled down and was curled against my side.
So, what was it about?
I ignored his question and said, What are you doing here?
I told you. I heard noise from in here and
No, I mean why were you outside my door to begin with? And, its noon. All the red fledglings I know dont do well in the sunlight and are seriously sound asleep right now.
Yeah, I could sleep, but whatever. And theres no sunlight out there. Everythings all gray and icy.
Jeesh, the ice storms still going on?
Yeah, another front is moving through today. It would suck to be a human trying to deal with this mess without all the generators and stuff this school has.
What he said made me wonder whether the nuns had a generator at their abbey. I really needed to talk to Sister Mary Angela. Talk to her? Hell, I needed to go there. I missed my grandma, and I was seriously sick of feeling like I was in danger all the time. Unbelievably tired, I sighed. How long had I slept? I counted in my head about five hours. Ugh. And a bunch of that time had been spent in a weird dream place with Kalona, which couldnt be all that restful.
Hey, you look tired, Stark said.
You havent answered my question. Why did you come here? I mean really.
He stared at me and blew out a long breath. Then he said, I needed to see you.
Why?
His brown eyes met mine. He looked so much like the pre-dead undead Stark that it was disconcerting. At that moment his eyes were normal, and there was no scary darkness pulsing from the shadows around him. Only the red outline of his tattoo reminded me that he was different from the kid who had told me secrets and asked for my help in the field house just a few nights ago.
Theyll make you hate me, he blurted.
Whos they? And no one is going to make me feel anything. As soon as I said it, a picture of me in Kalonas arms flashed through my mind, but I purposely shoved the all-too-graphic image away.
TheyEveryone, he said. Theyll tell you Im a monster, and youll believe them.
I kept looking at him, silently and steadily. He was the first to look away.
I gotta think that maybe you doing stuff like biting Becca and hanging around Kalona with your I-cant-miss-anything-I-aim-at bow strapped to your back and ready to shoot might have a little something to do with making them think youre not such a nice guy anymore, I said.
Do you always say exactly what youre thinking?
Well, no, but I try to be honest. Look, Im really tired, and I just had an awful dream. The stuff thats happening around here is not good. I&rsquoT CF tyou;m confused about a bunch of things. And you came to me. I didnt call you up and say, Hey, Stark, why dont you sneak into my room? So Im really not in the mood to play games.
I didnt sneak, he said.
I dont think that part is whats really important, I said.
I came here because you make me feel, he blurted all in one big breath.
I make you feel what?
Just feel. He rubbed a hand across his brow like he might have a headache. Since I died and then came back, its like part of me stayed dead. I havent been able to feel anything. Or at least not anything good. He was talking in short, clipped sentences, as if what he was saying was hard for him to get out. Okay, yeah, I have urges. Especially when I havent had any blood recently. But thats not really feeling. Its just a reaction. You knoweat, sleep, live, die. Its automatic. He grimaced and looked away from me. Its automatic for me to take what I want. Like from that girl.
Becca. My voice was cold. Her name is Becca.
Okay, so her name is Becca.
His expression had hardened. He didnt look scary and red-eyed, but he did look like a complete jerk, and I was just tired enough for that to really piss me off.
You attacked her. You forced yourself on her. Look, its pretty simple. If you dont want people to say bad things about you, then you need to stop doing bad things, I said.
His eyes flashed and I saw a red light in their depths. She would have liked it. If you and the warrior had come along five minutes later, you would have seen her all over me.
Are you kidding me? You actually think mind control is foreplay?
Was she upset when you saw her inside? Or was she talking about how hot I am and how much she wanted me? Stark hurled the questions at me.
And you think that makes what you did okay? You messed with her mind to get her to want to be with you. By any definition thats a violation, and its wrong.
You kissed me right after that, and I didnt have to mess with your mind!
Yeah, well, Ive been having some seriously questionable taste in guys lately. But I can promise you that right now I have absolutely no desire to hurl myself into your arms.
He stood abruptly, shoving away from my bed. I dont know what the hell Im doing here. I am what I am, and nothing can change that. Totally pissed, he started striding toward the door.
You can change that.
I said the words softly, but they seemed to shimmer in the air between us and wrap around Stark, pulling him to a stop. He just stood there for a while, fists clenched at his side, head slightly bowed as if he was fighting with himself. With his back still to me he said, See, thats what I mean. When you say things like that to me, you make me feel again.
Maybe thats because Im the only person whos telling you the truth right now. As I spoke, I got one of my gut-deep feelings that let me know I was saying the words Nyx would have me speak. I drew a long breath and tried to center myself, and even though I was tired and hurt and confused about many things, I followed the thread that had been unraveled before me and tried to sew together the shredded cloth of Starks humanity. I dont think youre a monster, but I also dont think youre just a nice guy. I see what you are, and I believe in what you could choose to be. Stark, dont you understand? Kalona and Neferet are keeping you like this because theyre using you. If you dont want to turn into a creature of their creation, then youre going to have to choose a different way and fight against them, and against the darkness they surround themselves with. I sighed, searching for the right words. Dont you see, evil will win if good people do nothing. I must have struck a nerve with Stark, because he slowly turned around to face me.
But Im not good people.
You were a good guy before all of this. I know you were. I didnt forget, just like I promised you. And you can be a good guy again.
When I hear you say it, I almost believe it.
Believing it is the first step. Acting on it is the second. I paused, and he didnt say anything, so I filled the dead air with some of the babble that was drifting through my mind. Have you stopped to think about why we keep coming together?
His smile was completely Bad Boy. Yeah, I thought it was because youre so damn hot.
I tried, unsuccessfully, not to grin back at him. Well, yeah, I mean besides that.
He shrugged. You being hot is enough for me.
Thanks, I guess. But thats not exactly what I meant. I was thinking it has something to do with Nyx and your being important to her.
Starks smiled faded instantly. The Goddess couldnt want anything to do with me. Not anymore.
I think youd be surprised. Remember Aphrodite?
He nodded. Yeah, kinda. Shes that really stuck-up chick who actually thinks shes a love goddess.