The moment I saw his eyes, I knew. He turns, his gaze meeting mine. So tell me, Ever, tell me the truth, was it not the same way with you?
I swallow hard, wanting to look away, but knowing I cant. Hell misread it, assume Im holding back. Remembering the moment Jude caught me alone in his store, the way my heart raced, my cheeks flushed, along with the odd, nervous dance in my gut. One moment I was fine and the nexta mess. And all because Judes deep sea green eyes met mine . . .
It couldnt mean
Couldnt possibly
Could it?
I rise from the couch, moving toward him til our bodies are mere inches apart. Wanting to assure him, assure me. Find a way to prove that none of it meant anything.
But this is Summerland. And thoughts are energy. And Im afraid he just witnessed mine.
Its not your fault, he says, voice hoarse, rough. Please dont feel bad.
I shove my hands in my pockets, pushing as deep as theyll go, determined to steady myself in a world thats no longer stable.
I want you to know how sorry I am. And yet He shakes his head. Sorry just doesnt cut it. Its woefully inadequate, and you deserve better than that. Im afraid the only thing I can do nowthe only thing thatll make things right, is to
His voice breaks, prompting me to lift my face until its even with his. The two of us standing so close the slightest move forward could easily bridge the gap.
But just as Im about to make the leap, he backs away, gaze steady, features drawn tight, determined to be heard when he says, Im stepping aside. Its the only thing I can do at this point. From this moment on, I will no longer interfere with your fate. From this point on, every move toward your destiny is yours and yours alone to make.
My vision goes blurry, throat hot and tight. Surely he cant mean what I think?
Can he?
Gazing upon him as he stands before me, my perfect soul mate, the love of my lives, the one person I was sure was my shelter now leaving my side.
Ive no right to barge into your life in the way that I have. Never giving you the chance to choose for yourself. And you know what the worst part is? He looks at me, eyes filled with such self-loathing Im pressed to look away. I wasnt even noble enough, wasnt even man enough, to play fair. He shakes his head. I used every trick in the book, all the powers at my disposal to annihilate the competition. And while Ive no way to change the past four hundred yearsnor the immortality Ive forced upon youIm hoping that nowby stepping asideIll allow you some smidgen of freedom in allowing you to choose.
Between you and Jude? I gape, voice rising to the point of hysteria, wanting him to say it. Just say it. Quit dancing around it and get to the point.
But he just continues to stand there, world-weary gaze focused on mine.
Well, there is no choice! No choice at all! Jude is my bosshes not the least bit interested in meor I in him!
Then you fail to see what I see, Damen says, as though its a factsome large, solid object parked right before me.
Thats because theres nothing to see. Dont you get it? All I see is you! I gaze at him, vision blurry, hands shaky, feeling so awful and empty as though each breath just might be my last.
But as soon as Ive said it, Damen highlights the painting again. Causing it to glow in a way that cant be ignored. But even though he thinks its significant, that girl is a stranger to me. My soul may have once occupied her body, but its no longer home.
I start to speak, wanting to explain that, but no words will come. Only a long piercing wail that courses from my mind to his. A sound that means please and donta sound without end.
Im not going anywhere, he says, immune to my plea. Ill always be close, somewhere nearby. Able to sense you, keeping you safe. But as for the rest He shakes his head, voice defeated, sad, but determined to be heard. Im afraid I can no longerIm afraid Ill have to
But I wont let him finish, cant let him finish, cutting right in when I cry, Ive already tried a life without you, when I went back in time, and guess what? Fate sent me right back! Gaze blurred by tears, but I dont turn away. I want him to see it. Want him to know exactly what his misguided altruism is costing me.
But, Ever, that doesnt mean you were meant to be with me, maybe you were sent back to find Jude, and now that you have
Fine, I say, refusing to let him finish, not when I have plenty more evidence proving my case. Then what about the time you held your hand close, making me focus on our tingle and heat, claiming thats exactly how it feels between soul mates? What about that? Did you not mean it? Are you taking it back?
Ever He shakes his head and rubs his eyes. Ever, I
Dont you get it? I shake my head, sensing his energy, knowing it wont make the least bit of difference but continuing anyway. Dont you see that I only want you?
He brings his hand to my cheek, fingers so soft and lovinga cruel reminder of what Ill no longer havehis thoughts traveling the distance from his head to mine, pleading with me to understand, to give it some time.
Please dont think this is easy for me. I had no idea how painful it is to act without the slightest hint of self-interestmaybe thats why I never tried before? He smiles, attempting a bit of levity that I refuse to accept. Wanting him to feel as awful and empty as me. I robbed you of ever seeing your family againput your very soul at riskhis gaze narrows on mineBut, Ever, youve got to listen, you must understand, its time for you to choose the one thing you still canwithout interference from me!
Ive already chosen, I say, voice wooden, weary, too tired to fight. I chose you and you cant take it back. I look at him, knowing my words are useless, hes fixed on his plan. Damen, seriously, so I knew him hundreds of years ago in a country I havent visited since. Big deal! One lifeout of how many?
He looks at me for a moment, then closes his eyes, voice barely a whisper as he says, It wasnt just one life, Ever. Fading the gallery though keeping the windmills and tulips as he manifests a whole world before meseveral worlds in factParisLondonNew Englandall lined up in a row, placed right in the middle of Amsterdam where we both stand. Worlds that stay true to their timethe architecture, the clothingall indicative of their periodyet devoid of their citizenspopulated only by three.
Me in all of my guisesa lowly Parisian servantspoiled London society girldaughter of a Puritanwith Jude always beside mea French stable boya British Earla fellow parishionereach of us different, changing, though the eyes are the same.
And I watch, focusing on one vignette at a time, the scene playing before me like a well-staged play. My interest in Jude always waning the moment Damen comes on the scenejust as magical and mesmerizing as he is today, using all of his tricks to steal me away.
I stand there, breathless, no idea what to say. All I know is that I want it to fade.
I face him, understanding why he feels like he does, but knowing it doesnt make the least bit of difference. Not to me. Not where my heart is concerned.
So youve made up your mind. Fine. I dont like it, but fine. But what I really need to know is just how long are we talking here? Couple days? A week? I shake my head. Just how long will it take for you to accept the fact that no matter what happens, no matter what you may think or say, no matter how unfair the fight may have seemed, I choose you. Ive always chosen you. For me theres only you.
This isnt something you can attach a date toyouve got to give yourself time, time to release your attachment to metime to move on
Just because youre determined to do this, just because you want to make things right despite what I say, just because you invented the game doesnt mean you make all the rules. Because if youre truly intent on letting me choose, then I choose until the end of today.
He shakes his head, eyes appearing the slightest bit lighter, and if Im not mistaken, tinged with a hint of relief.
And in that moment, I knowa glimmer of hope that makes my heart soar. He hates this just as much as I do. Im not the only one around here in need of an end date.
The end of the year, he says, jaw clenched in a way that tells me hes trying to be noble, gallant, ridiculously so. That should allow plenty of time.
I shake my head, barely allowing him the chance to finish when I say, By the end of tomorrow. Im sure Ill have my decision by then.
But hes not having it, refusing to even negotiate, saying, Ever, please, weve our whole lives ahead of us if thats what you choose. Trust me, theres really no hurry.
The end of next week. I nod, voice tightening, wondering how Ill possibly make it til then.
The end of the summer, he says, the words final as his gaze meets mine.
I stand before him, unable to speak. Thinking how the summer Ive been anticipating since we first got togetherimagining three months of frolic and fun in the Laguna Beach sunhas quickly deteriorated into the loneliest season.
Knowing theres no more to say, I move away. Ignoring his hand reaching for mine, wanting to make the return trip together.
If hes so determined for me to choose my own path, then I choose to start now. By leaving the gallery and heading onto the street, making my way through Amsterdam, Paris, London, and New England, without once looking back.
CHAPTER 32
The moment I turn the corner, I run. Feet moving so quickly, its as though I can outrun Damen, the gallery, everything, all of it. The cobblestone first fading to pavement then grass, running past all of my usual Summerland haunts, determined to manifest one of my owna place where Damen cant go.
Making my way to the top of the wooden bleachers at my old school, facing the scoreboard that reads GO BEARS! and claiming the seat in the far right corner where I tried my first (and last) cigarette, where I kissed my ex-boyfriend Brandon for the very first time, and where my former friend Rachel and I once reigned supreme, giggling and flirting in our cheerleading outfits, totally unaware of just how complicated life can be.
I place my feet on the bench right before me and bring my head to my knees, choking back great, shoulder-heaving sobs as I try to make sense of what happened. Sniffling into a handful of manifested tissues as I gaze bleary eyed at a football field crowded with faceless, nameless players running through their practice drills as their hair-tossing girlfriends gossip and flirt from the side. Hoping such a familiar, normal scene will somehow provide the comfort I needthen making it fade when I only feel worse.
This is no longer my life. No longer my fate.
Damens my future. Theres no doubt in my mind.
Even though I get all jumpy and nervous whenever Judes near, even though theres an undeniable something whenever we meetit doesnt mean anything. Doesnt mean hes The One. Its merely the effect of our past familiarity, a subconscious recognition, no more.
Just because he played a part in my history doesnt mean he has a role in my future other than boss at a summer job I never wouldve gone looking for if Sabine hadnt made me. So how can I possibly be at fault? How can this possibly be anything other than just a weird coincidence, a pesky part of my past that, through no fault of mine, refuses to die?
I mean, its not like I went looking for thisright?
Right?
But even though my heart knows the truth, I cant help but wonder just what we once meant to each other.
Did I really emerge from a lake not caring if he saw the nude me? Or was that portrait taken straight from his overactive imagination?
Which only leads me to more questionsones Id prefer to ignore, like:
Was I not really a virgin for the last four hundred years like I thought?
Did I actually sleep with Jude and not Damen?
And if so, is that why I feel so shy and weird around him now?
I gaze at the empty field before me, turning it into the Roman Coliseum, the Egyptian Pyramids, the Acropolis in Athens, the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul, the Opera House in Sydney, St. Marks Square in Venice, the Medina in Marrakechwatching the scenery whirl and change, becoming all the places I hope to visit someday, knowing only one thing for sure:
Ive got three months.
Three months without Damen.
Three months of knowing hes out there, somewhere, but unable to touch him, access him, be with him again.
Three months in which to learn enough magick to solve all our problems and get him back for good.
Knowing more than Ive ever known anythingthat he alone is my future, my destiny, no matter what came before.
I focus back on the scenery, the Grand Canyon morphing into Machu Picchu, which becomes the Great Wall of China, knowing theres plenty of time for this later, but for now, Ive got to go back.
Back to the earth plane.
Back to the store.
Hoping to catch Jude before he closes up shop, needing him to teach me, once and for all, how to read that book.
CHAPTER 33
All week I avoided Sabine. I didnt think it was possible, but between school, my new job, and Miless final Hairspray per formance, I was pretty much scot-free until the moment Im about to toss my breakfast down the sink.
So. She smiles, sidling up beside me, dressed in workout clothes and glistening with the glow of good health and sweat. Dont we have something to talk about? A conversation youve worked hard to delay?
I reach for my glass and shrug, unsure what to say.
Hows your new job? Everything okay?
I nod, easy, noncommittal, as though Im far too interested in chugging this juice to respond.
Because I can probably still squeeze you in on that internship if youd like
I shake my head and finish the remains, including the pulp. Rinsing my cup and placing it into the dishwasher as I say, Not necessary. Catching the expression on her face and adding, Really. Its all good.
She studies me, gaze intense, really taking me in. Ever, why didnt you mention that Paul was your teacher?
I freeze, but only for a moment before I turn my attention to a bowl of cereal I have no interest in eating. Grabbing a spoon and swirling the contents around and around as I say, Because Paul with the cool shoes and designer jeans isnt my teacher. Mr. Munoz with the dork glasses and pressed khakis is. I lift the spoon to my mouth, carefully avoiding her gaze.