Алисон Ноэль - Shadowland

Alyson NoelShadowland

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

 It takes a whole team of people to make a book happen, and Im incredibly lucky to work with such a great one!

Big, huge, sparkly thanks go to:

Bill Contardithe perfect blend of brains, heart, and sly sense of humorthe best dang agent an author could ask for!

Matthew Shear and Rose Hilliardpublisher and editor extra-ordinaireI couldnt have done it without them!

Anne Marie Tallberg and Brittany Kleinfelterthe brilliant brains behind the immortalsseries.com Web sitethanks for your creative ideas and much-needed tech support!

Katy Hershberger, who not only has great taste in music but happens to be a great publicist too!

The amazingly talented people in the art department, Angela Goddard and Jeanette Levy, who design the most beautiful, drool-worthy covers! Along with everyone else in sales and marketing and production and any other department Im sure Im forgettingthank you for all that you doyou guys rock!

Also, hugs and love to Sandy for being a constant source of inspiration, laughter, and funmy very own Damen Auguste!

And Id be completely remiss not to mention you, the readeryour messages, e-mails, letters, and artwork never fail to make my day. Thanks for being so incredibly awesome!

Fate is nothing but the deeds committed in a prior state of existence.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

CHAPTER 1

Everything is energy.

Damens dark eyes focus on mine, urging me to listen, really listen this time. Everything around us His arm sweeps before him, tracing a fading horizon thatll soon fade to black. Everything in this seemingly solid universe of ours isnt solid at allits energypure vibrating energy. And while our perception may convince us that things are either solid or liquid or gaseouson the quantum level its all just particles within particlesits all just energy.

I press my lips together and nod, his voice overpowered by the one in my head urging: Tell him! Tell him now! Quit stalling, and just get it over with! Hurry, before he starts talking again!

But I dont. I dont say a word. I just wait for him to continue so I can delay even further.

Raise your hand. He nods, palm out, moving toward mine. Lifting my arm slowly, cautiously, determined to avoid any and all physical contact when he says, Now tell me, what do you see?

I squint, unsure what hes after, then shrugging I say, Well, I see pale skin, long fingers, a freckle or two, nails in serious need of a manicure . . .

Exactly. He smiles, as though I just passed the worlds easiest test. But if you could see it as it really is, you wouldnt see that at all. Instead youd see a swarm of molecules containing protons, neutrons, electrons, and quarks. And within those tiny quarks, down to the most minuscule point, youd see nothing but pure vibrating energy moving at a speed slow enough that it appears solid and dense, and yet quickly enough that it cant be observed for what it truly is.

I narrow my eyes, not sure I believe it. Never mind the fact that hes been studying this stuff for hundreds of years.

Seriously, Ever. Nothing is separate. He leans toward me, fully warmed up to his subject now. Everything is one. Items that appear dense, like you and I, and this sand that were sitting on, are really just a mass of energy vibrating slowly enough to seem solid, while things like ghosts and spirits vibrate so quickly theyre nearly impossible for most humans to see.

I see Riley, I say, eager to remind him of all the time I used to spend with my ghostly sister. Or at least I used to, you know, before she crossed the bridge and moved on.

And thats exactly why you cant see her anymore. He nods. Her vibration is moving too fast. Though there are those who can see past all of that.

I gaze at the ocean before us, the swells rolling in, one after another. Endless, unceasing, immortallike us.

Now raise your hand again and bring it so close to mine we just nearly touch.

I hesitate, filling my palm with sand, unwilling to do it. Unlike him, I know the price, the dire consequences the slightest skin-on-skin contact can bring. Which is why Ive been avoiding his touch since last Friday. But when I peer at him again, his palm out, waiting for mine, I take a deep breath and lift my hand toogasping when he draws so close the space that divides is razor thin.

Feel that? He smiles. That tingle and heat? Thats our energy connecting. He moves his hand back and forth, manipulating the push and pull of the energy force field between us.

But if were all connected like you say, then why doesnt it all feel the same? I whisper, drawn by the undeniable magnetic stream that links us, causing the most wonderful warmth to course through my body.

We are all connected, all of us made of the same vibrating source. But while some energy leaves you cold and some leaves you lukewarm, the one that youre destined for? It feels just like this.

I close my eyes and turn, allowing the tears to stream down my cheeks, no longer able to keep them in check. Knowing Im barred from the feel of his skin, the touch of his lips, the solid warm comfort of his body on mine. This electric energy field that trembles between us is the closest Ill get, thanks to the horrible decision I made.

Science is just now catching up with what metaphysicians and the great spiritual teachers have known for centuries. Everything is energy. Everything is one.

I can hear the smile in his voice as he draws closer, eager to entwine his fingers with mine. But I move away quickly, catching his eye just long enough to see the look of hurt that crosses his facethe same look hes been giving me since I made him drink the antidote that returned him to life. Wondering why Im acting so quiet, so distant, so remoterefusing to touch him when just a few weeks before I couldnt get enough. Incorrectly assuming its because of his hurtful behaviorhis flirting with Stacia, his cruelty toward mewhen the truth is, it has nothing to do with that. He was under Romans spell, the entire school was. It wasnt his fault.

What he doesnt know is that while the antidote returned him to life, the moment I added my blood to the mix it also ensured we could never be together.

Never.

Ever.

For all of eternity.

Ever? he whispers, voice deep and sincere. But I cant look at him. Cant touch him. And I certainly cant utter the words he deserves to hear:

I messed upIm so sorryRoman tricked me, and I was desperate and dumb enough to fall for his ployAnd now theres no hope for us because if you kiss me, if we exchange our DNAyoull die

I cant do it. Im the worst kind of coward. Im pathetic and weak. And theres just no way I can find it within me.

Ever, please, what is it? he asks, alarmed by my tears. Youve been like this for days. Is it me? Is it something Ive done? Because you know I dont remember much of what happened, and the memories that are starting to surface, well, you must know by now that wasnt the real me. I would never intentionally hurt you. Id never harm you in any way.

I hug myself tightly, scrunching my shoulders and bowing my head. Wishing I could make myself smaller, so small he could no longer see me. Knowing his words are true, that hes incapable of hurting me, only I could do something so hurtful, so rash, so ridiculously impulsive. Only I could be stupid enough to fall for Romans bait. So eager to prove myself as Damens one true lovewanting to be the only one who could save himand now look at the mess that Ive made.

He moves toward me, sliding his arm around me, grasping my waist and pulling me near. But I cant risk the closeness, my tears are lethal now, and must be kept far from his skin.

I scramble to my feet and run toward the ocean, curling my toes at its edge and allowing the cold white froth to splash onto my shins. Wishing I could dive under its vastness and be carried by the tide. Anything to avoid saying the wordsanything to avoid telling my one true love, my eternal partner, my soul mate for the last four hundred years, that while he may have given me eternityIve brought us our end.

I remain like that, silent and still. Waiting for the sun to sink until I finally turn to face him. Taking in his dark shadowy outline, nearly indistinguishable from the night, and speaking past the sting in my throat when I mumble, Damen . . . baby . . . theres something I need to tell you.

CHAPTER 2

I kneel beside him, hands on my knees, toes buried in sand, wishing hed look at me, wishing hed speak. Even if its only to tell me what I already knowthat I made a grave and stupid mistakeone that will possibly never be erased. Id gladly accept itheck, I deserve it. What I cant stand is his absolute silence and faraway gaze.

And Im just about to say something, anything, to break this unbearable stillness, when he looks at me with eyes so weary theyre the perfect embodiment of his six hundred years. Roman. He sighs, shaking his head. I didnt recognize him, I had no idea His voice trails off along with his gaze.

Theres no way you couldve known, I say, eager to erase any guilt he might feel. You were under his spell from the very first day. Believe me, he had it all planned, made sure any memories were completely erased.

His eyes search my face studying me closely before he stands and turns away. Gazing out at the ocean, hands balled into fists as he says, Did he hurt you? Did he go after you or harm you in any way?

I shake my head. He didnt have to. It was enough to hurt me through you.

He turns, eyes growing darker as his features harden, inhaling deeply as he says, This is my fault.

I gape, wondering how he could possibly believe that after the case I just made. Rising to my feet and standing beside him as I cry, Dont be ridiculous! Of course its not your fault! Did you listen to anything I said? I shake my head. Roman poisoned your elixir and hypnotized you. You had nothing to do with it, you were just doing his biddingit was beyond your control!

But Ive barely finished when hes already dismissing it with a wave of his hand. Ever, dont you see? This isnt about Roman, or you, this is karma. This is retribution for six centuries of selfish living. He shakes his head and laughs, though its not the kind that asks you to join in. Its the other kindthe kind that chills you to the bone. After all those years of loving you and losing you, again and again, I was sure that was my punishment for the way Id been living, having no idea youd died at Drinas hand. But now I see the truth Ive missed all along. Just when I was sure Id evaded karma by making you immortal and keeping you forever by my side, karma gets the last laugh, allowing us an eternity together, but only to look, never to touch each other again.

I reach for him, wanting to hold him, comfort him, convince him that its not at all true. But I pull away just as quickly. Remembering how our inability to touch is the very thing that got us both here.

Thats not true, I say, gaze fixed on his. Why would you be punished when Im the one who made the mistake? Dont you see? I shake my head, frustrated by his singular way of thinking. Roman planned it all along. He loved DrinaI bet you didnt know that, huh? He was one of the orphans you saved from the plague back in Renaissance Florence, and he loved her for all of those centuries, wouldve done anything for her. But Drina didnt care about him, she only loved youand you only loved meand then, well, after I killed her, Roman decided to go after meonly he did it through you. Wanting me to feel the pain of never being able to touch you againjust like he feels with Drina! And it all happened so fast, I just I stop, knowing its useless, a total waste of words. He stopped listening just after I started, convinced hes at fault.

But I refuse to even visit that place, and I wont let him either.

Damen, please! You cant just give up. This isnt karmaits me! I made a mistake, a horrible, dreadful mistake. But that doesnt mean we cant fix it! There must be a way. Clinging to the falsest of hopes, forcing an enthusiasm I dont really feel.

Damen stands before me, a dark silhouette in the night, the warmth of his sad tired gaze serving as our only embrace. I never shouldve started, he says. Never shouldve made the elixirshouldve let things take their own natural course. Seriously, Ever, just look at the resultits brought nothing but pain! He shakes his head, his gaze so sad, so contrite, my heart caves. Theres still time for you though. Youve got your whole life ahead of youan eternity where you can be anything you want to be, do anything you want to do. But me He shrugs. Im tainted. I think we can all see the result of my six hundred years.

No! My voice quivers as my lips tremble so badly it spreads to my cheeks. You dont get to walk away, you dont get to leave me again! I spent the last month going through hell to save you, and now that youre well Im not about to give up. Were meant for each other, you said it yourself! Were just experiencing a temporary setback, thats all. But if we can just put our heads together, I know well think of a way to . . .

I stop, voice fading, seeing hes already moved on, retreating to his bleak sorry world where hes solely to blame. And I know its time to tell the rest of the story, the sorry, regretful parts Id prefer to leave out. Maybe then hell see it differently, maybe then

Theres more, I say, rushing ahead though Ive no idea how to phrase what comes next. So before you assume karmas out to get you or whatever, you need to know something else, something Im not exactly proud of, but still

Then I take a deep breath and tell him about my trips to Summerlandthat magical dimension between the dimensions where I learned how to go back in timeand that given the choice between my family and himI chose them. Convinced I could somehow restore the future I was sure had been stolen, and yet all it really amounted to was a lesson I already knew: