What are you doing? Morgan asked.
I sighed. Served me right for trying to scan someone as strong as she was.
Feeling your aura, I said, turning on the hot water in the sink. You seem kind of. . tense. Are you okay?
She nodded, not looking at me, and drank the last of her tea. Um, could you leave that till later? she asked, gesturing toward the kitchen mess. I justwant to be with you now. Its our last night, and I want us to spend time together, just us.
Sure, of course, I said, turning off the water. I put my arm around her shoulders and led her from the kitchen.
She leaned against me. Lets go up to your room.
All my senses jumped to full alert. All right, I said, feeling my throat contract. Our chances to be alone and physical were few and far between, and I had been hoping we could take advantage of the opportunity tonight.
We walked upstairs, where Sky had one bedroom and I have the other. As we walked in, I could see all at once how impersonal the room seemed. Even after being in Widows Vale for months, I hadnt spent much time settling in. The room contained my bed, my almost bare desk, and three boxes of books, which remained unpacked. There were no curtains, no rugs, no photographs or knickknacks. It was almost like walking into an abandoned dormitory. I felt a sudden embarrassment at the complete lack of mood.
Morgan left me and walked to the bed, which was still, after months of my living here, just a box spring and a mattress on the floor. She kicked off her clogs, sat down, and leaned back against the pillows. Then she looked at me and smiled. I smiled back.
My nerves jolted awake as desire flared to life. For once we didnt have to worry about Sky coming home; it was a weekend night, so Morgan wouldnt have to leave by nine; we had the rest of the evening together and an empty house with no disruptions. Then we were lying next to each other, and I was kicking off my boots and my hands were reaching around her sides, feeling her curves. The idea that Morgan was lying on my bed went right to my head, and then all thoughts fled as we kissed deeply, our mouths joined, our bodies pressed together. Goddess, she felt good. I have always found her intensely attractive, everything about her: her body, her face, her scent, how she moved against me, the sounds she made as we kissed, tiny whimpers of pleasure. I leaned into her, deepening our kiss.
Hunter, Hunter, she said, pulling her mouth away from mine.
Mmm. I followed her mouth, but her hands pressed against my chest and pushed. I swam toward coherence and looked into her eyes to see her gazing at me seriously. What, love, too much? Please dont say it was too much. What? I asked again.
Hunter, I want us to make love, she whispered, her eyes glancing at my mouth. I love you. Im ready.
My brain struggled to process the words. Had I really heard that, or was this some cruel fantasy? I looked down at her face, her incredible, sculptured face. Was she serious?
I swallowed hard. You want to
Im ready, Hunter, she said, her voice soft but sounding confident. I want to make love with you.
It was as if the entire universe had just dropped literally into my lap. We had come close several times, and I had been keen to since practically the first moment I saw her, but it had never quite worked out.
Are you sure? I felt compelled to ask. Please, please, please.
She nodded, and my heart began to pound. I started taking the Pill.
My eyebrows rose. She was serious; she had thought it out; she was ready. I sent out a huge, silent thank-you to the universe and pressed against her, holding her close.
I really want that, too, I murmured against her hair. Ive been wanting to. I tried to quell the urgent impulse to simply leap on herdont scare her offand instead kissed her gently down the side of her face and neck. She wriggled to give me better access and made little sounds in her throat.
Do you know about conception spells? I asked, stroking her hair away from her face.
Yesbut I couldnt find any, and I couldnt ask Alyce.
When did you start taking the Pill?
This afternoon. I brought condoms, too.
I grinned at her, and after a moment she grinned back. Right. We better do a barrier spell just to be safe, I said, and she nodded, her cheeks flushing a beautiful rose color. Pathetically, it had been a long time since I had needed one, and I had to look it up. In the interests of continuing her education, I explained the basics to Morgan and saw her eyes widen as she grasped the basic image. Let me go do this, and Ill be right back, I said, running the tip of my tongue along the curve of her ear.
Hurry, she said, looking extremely witchy, and I almost raced out of the room and stumbled down the hall to Skys.
When I came back a few minutes later, Morgan was under the covers up to her shoulders. I took in the sight of her skirt, jumper, camisole, and her socks on the floor. Oh, yeah, I thought, yanking my shirt over my head and unsnapping my jeans.
Come here, come here, she said, smiling and holding out her hands, and I almost tripped getting out of my pants. Then I was sliding under the covers, feeling her skin against mine, her knickers against me, and I practically lost my mind. At last, at last, at last. I held her head in my hands and kissed her deeply, again and again until we were both breathing fast and Morgans eyes were glittering, her pupils wide and dark.
This was something I had been dreaming about for months. Her arms were clasped around my back, holding me close, pressing her small, beautifully shaped breasts to my chest. Our legs were tangled together, hers long and smooth.
I love you so much, I whispered, stroking her, caressing her, watching her eyes unfocus as she moved under my hands. I knew she hadnt done this before, and I wanted to make sure this was fabulous for her, that she was comfortable and happy.
I love you, too, she said, her voice sounding tight. She moved against me restlessly, twining closer to me as if she had been doing this all her life. Her hands moved over my skin, over my chest, around my back, stroking my face. . I held my breath as her hand tentatively touched me, and I leaned closer to touch her in the same way. Morgan gave a little gasp and stilled, her eyes locked on mine. I could hardly breatheit was incredibly exciting, incredibly sexy, like falling off a cliff, falling down endlessly and being able to see only Morgans eyes, her soft mouth.
Oh my God, she breathed, moving so I could touch her more.
Yes, I said, lost, leaning in to kiss her neck.
Hunter, she whispered back. Yes.
This is so right, I muttered, kissing her. Youre everything to me.
She made an indistinguishable reply and hooked one leg over my side, curling around me. I never dreamed my last night here would end so perfectly, I thought dimly. Morgans eyes were closed; the only sounds she was making were anxious little mm, mm, mms. Tonight we were going to make love.
I couldnt believe this was actually happening, that Morgan had decided she was ready. What timingthis would be the perfect memory to have when I was far away in. . uh, far away in. . Canada.
Morgan clutched my arm hard and pushed herself against me, and I thought, Yes, this is going to work, this is fantastic. . I will miss this so much when I am. . in Canada. Far away in Canada. Tomorrow. Uh. . I quickly tried to push away those bothersome thoughts. Focus, I ordered myself. Concentrate. You have Morgan close to naked in your bed. Get it together. Youre almost home.
Ill think about this the whole time youre gone, said my loves voice, and I felt her breath against my cheek.
The whole time youre gone. Mmm, I breathed as I felt her tongue tickling my ear. Goddess, this was fun, this was perfect; I was here with Morgan, Morgan, whom I loved and wanted so much. So much for having an early nightI wanted to do this all night long until the sun came up and
Oh, bloody hell. When the sun came up, I would be taking off. I didnt know how long I would be gone. I didnt know what I was going to find. I could find something that would change my life forever. My parents had been on the run from Amyranth for eleven years. I could be heading into serious danger. Or I could be heading into having a family for the first time in eleven years. A family I wouldnt want to leave.
And then where would I be? Away from Morgan. And who would I be? Someone who slept with his girlfriend right before leaving her.
Damnation.
Hunter? She sounded worried, and I looked down and touched her face.
Its nothing, I told myself as much as her. I closed my eyes and kissed her again, feeling how right it was, how incredible. What was I doing? Should I be doing this? Was this a good idea?
It was a fantastic idea, and I pulled her against me more tightly, feeling sweat break out on my forehead. Morgan had thought about this, had decided she was ready, and Goddess knew I was. We were going to do this tonight. How could I possibly stop now?
I couldnt; there was just no way. Tonight was all about Morgan and me. Morgan, who trusted me. Trusted me not to hurt her. Oh, no. No. I pulled my weight back onto my arm. Morgans eyes were wide. Did Iis something wrong?
The insecurity in her voice made me jerk my head down to look at her. No! I said strongly, holding her closer. No, of course not.
Then whats going on? She snuggled closer to me, and once again I had to fight a vicious battle between the top half of my body and the lower half. The top half, which included my barely functioning brain, won, but only by a minuscule margin.
I sighed. MorganIm wondering. . is this the best idea? The words caught in my throat, but I forced them out, feeling like I should be awarded a big medal for valor and chivalry.
Whaaat? she said, drawing back from me. I felt her aura, her vibrations instantly change. They had been incredibly strong, vibrant, involved, excited. Now they were cooling, stilling rapidly as she retreated. No, no, no, I wanted to howl.
Talk fast, Niall. Morgan, I said, still trying to hold her close. ListenI want to make love with you practically more than I want to breathe at this very moment. But is this really the best thing? I mean, Im leaving tomorrow; I dont know when Ill be back; I dont know what Ill find or what will happen to me while Im there. Im saying my future is somewhat up in the air at the moment. It seemsirresponsible for me to make love with you now.
Irresponsible?
I winced at the cool tone in her voice, and she pulled away from me physically and emotionally while I swore to myself in four different languages, including Middle Gaelic, which isnt easy.
Love, this is killing me, I said with complete sincerity. I want this very much. And here you are, giving yourself to me, and its our first time, and its incredible. I absolutely dont want to hurt you. Butwhat if something happens that keeps us apart? I dont want to do this just once and then forget about it. I want our first time to be only the first in a long, long series of us being together.
I dont understand.
Waitstop. She had scooted to the side of the bed, and the sight of her bare, beautiful back, stiff with anger and hurt, pained me almost as much as the athame she had once sent into my neck a long time ago. Please, Morgan, wait. Hear me out. I lunged and grabbed her around the hips, my cheek pressed against her back as she tried unsuccessfully to get up. Im dying to sleep with you! I said. Im mad with wanting you! Theres nothing more that I want than to be in bed, making love, all night long!
Except to be responsible.
Morgan! Just think for a minute. Do you really think that the night before I leave for Goddess knows how long is the best time for us to sleep together for the first time? I mean, if we had been sleeping together for a while, this would be fine. But this is our first time together. It should be perfect. It shouldnt be part of a good-bye.
Her jaw barely moved. In your opinion. Icicles dripping. She took advantage of my momentary appalled shock to leap out of bed. I scrambled after her, wondering where the hell I had thrown my underwear. In seconds she had pulled on her camisole with the lace and was reaching for her sweater and socks.
Morgan, Morgan, I said, looking desperately around the floor. This isnt my decision alone. We need to agree on this. I mean, I hate this. All I want to do is make love with you. But can you try to see where Im coming from, a little bit?
The look she gave me was distant, and my heart dropped down to my bare knees. She shrugged and sat on the bed to pull on her socks. I dont get it. You want to, but you wont. You love me, but you wont sleep with me. I feel like a leper.
I ditched all thoughts of underwear and pulled on my jeans, being careful with the zipper. Morgan, I want you more than Ive ever wanted anyone in my whole life. And Im ecstatic that you feel ready for us to go to bed. Thats what Ive wanted ever since I met you. I knelt down in front of her and looked up into her eyes, her shuttered face. I love you. Im so attracted to you. Please believe me. I mean, you felt it. This has nothing, nothing to do with how much I want you or how sexy you are. Its just about timing.
Timing. She sighed and lifted her long hair away from her neck, then let it fall. I thought of it spread over my sheets, over my pillows, and began to think I was completely mad.
Morgan, I dont want to hurt you. But either option is bad: if I ask you to wait for the next time we can be together, it hurts your feelings and makes you think I dont want you. Which isnt true. But if we go to bed tonight and then something happens and were apart for a long time, would that be better?
She glanced away, seeming for the first time to examine the state of my room. Great. I saw her gaze trace the bare floor, the gutted candles on my desk, the boxes still unpacked. With no warning, an image of Cal Blaires bedroom came to mind. I had seen it when Id been in Selenes house, undoing spells, setting other spells. Cals bedroom had been huge, quirky, and romantic. His bed had been an antique, hung with mosquito netting. Everything in that room had been beautiful, luxurious, interesting, seductive. Feeling bleak, I rested my face on my outstretched arm, wondering if I had just buggered things up in a really huge way.