Dont be a wuss. You can do this.
I pushed my way inside. Garlic, butter and tomato paste scented the air. Hey, I said, and hoped I hadnt cringed.
Mom glanced up from the steaming strainer of noodles and smiled. Hey, baby. Coming in for good, or just taking a break?
Break. The forced incarceration at night drove me to spend as much time as possible outside during daylight hours, whether I burned to lobster-red or not.
Well, your timings great. The spaghettis almost done.
Yeah, okay, good. During the summer months, we ate dinner at five sharp. Winter, we switched it up to four. That way, no matter the season, we could be in our rooms and safe before sunset.
The walls were reinforced with some kind of steel, and the doors and locks were impenetrable. And yes, those things made our futuristic dungeon known as the basement overkill, but you try reasoning with a crazy person.
Just do it. Just say it. So, um, yeah. I shifted from one foot to the other. Todays my birthday.
Her jaw dropped, her cheeks bleaching of color. Ohbaby. Im so sorry. I didnt mean I should have rememberedI even made myself notes. Happy birthday, she finished lamely. She looked around, as if hoping a present would somehow appear via the force of her will. I feel terrible.
Dont worry about it.
Ill do something to make this up to you, I swear.
And so the negotiations have begun. I squared my shoulders. Do you really mean that?
Of course.
Good, because Em has a recital tonight and I want to go.
Though my mom radiated sadness, she was shaking her head even before I finished. You know your dad will never agree.
So talk to him. Convince him.
I cant.
Why not?
Because. A croak.
I loved this woman, I truly did, but, oh, she could frustrate me like no one else. Because why? I insisted. Even if she cried, I wasnt dropping this. Better her tears than Ems.
Mom pivoted, as graceful as Emma as she carried the strainer to the pot and dumped the contents inside. Steam rose and wafted around her, and for a moment, she looked as if she were part of a dream. Emma knows the rules. Shell understand.
The way Id had to understand, time and time again before Id just given up? Anger sparked. Why do you do this? Why do you always agree with him when you know hes off-the-charts insane?
Hes not
He is! Like Em, I stomped my foot.
Quiet, she said, her tone admonishing. Hes upstairs.
Yeah, and Id bet he was already drunk.
She added, Weve talked about this, honey. I believe your dad sees something the rest of us cant. But before you cast stones at him or me, take a look at the Bible. Once upon a time our Lord and Savior was persecuted. Tons of people doubted Jesus.
Dad isnt Jesus! He rarely even went to church with us.
I know, and thats not what Im saying. I believe there are forces at work all around us. Forces for good and forces for evil.
I couldnt get involved in another good/evil debate with her. I just couldnt. I believed in God, and I believed there were angels and demons out there, but we never had to deal with the evil stuff, did we? I wish you would divorce him, I muttered, then bit my tongue in regretbut even still, I refused to apologize.
She worked from home seven days a week as a medical transcriptionist, and was always type, type, typing away at her computer. On weekends, like this fine Saturday evening, she acted like my dads nursemaid, too, cleaning him up, fetching and carrying for him. She deserved so much more. She was young, for a mom, and so dang pretty. She was softhearted and funny and deserved some pampering of her own.
Most kids want their parents to stay together, she said, a sharp edge to her voice.
Im not like most kids. You guys made sure of that. There was an even sharper edge to my voice.
I justI wanted what other kids had. A normal life.
In a snap, the anger drained from her and she sighed. Alice, honey, I know this is hard. I know you want more for yourself, and one day youll have it. Youll graduate, get a job, move out, go to college, fall in love, travel, do whatever your heart desires. As for now, this is your fathers house and he makes the rules. You will follow those rules and respect his authority.
Straight out of the Parents Official Handbook, right under the heading: What to say when you dont have a real answer for your kid.
And maybe, she added, when youre in charge of your own household, youll realize your dad did the things he did to protect us. He loves us, and our safety is the most important thing to him. Dont hate him for that.
I should have known. The good and evil speech always circled around to love and hate. Have you ever seen one of his monsters? I asked.
A pause. A nervous laugh. I have refused to answer that question the other thousand times you asked, so what makes you think Ill answer it today?
Consider it a late birthday present, since you wont give me what I really want. That was a low blow, and I knew it. But again, I refused to apologize.
She flinched. I dont like to discuss these things with you girls because I dont want to scare you further.
We arent scared now, I lashed out. You are! Calm down. Deep breath inout I had to do this rationally. If I freaked, shed send me to my room and that would be that. Over the years, you should have seen at least one monster. I mean, you spend the most time with Dad. Youre with him at night, when he patrols the house with a gun.
The only time Id dared venture into the hall after midnight, hoping to get a glass of water since Id forgotten to bring one to my room, thats what Id seen. My dad clutching a pistol, marching this way and that, stopping to peer out each and every window.
Id been thirteen at the time, and Id almost died of a heart attack. Or maybe embarrassment, since Id come pretty close to peeing myself.
Fine. You want to know, Ill tell you. No, I havent seen them, she said, not really shocking me. But I have seen the destruction they cause. And before you ask me how I know they were the ones to cause the destruction, let me add that Ive seen things that cant be explained any other way.
Like what? I peeked over my shoulder. Em had moved to the swing set and was now rocking back and forth, but she hadnt dropped me from the crosshairs of her hawk eyes.
That, I still wont tell you, Mom said. There are some things youre better off not knowing, no matter what you say. Youre just not ready. Babies can handle milk, but they cant handle meat.
I wasnt a baby, blah, blah, blah, whatever. Worry had contorted Emmas features. I forced myself to smile, and she immediately brightened as if this was now a done deal. As if I hadnt failed her in this regard a million times before.
Like the time shed wanted to attend the art exhibit at her school, where her papier-mâché globe had been on display. Like the time her Girl Scout troop had gone camping. Like the hundred times her friend Jenny had called and asked if she could stay the night. Finally, Jenny had stopped calling.
Pressure buildingcant fail this time
I faced my mother. She still had her back to me and hadnt abandoned the stove. In fact, she was forking the noodles one at a time, testing their flexibility as if the chore was the most important thing ever. Wed done this same dance before. She was an avoider, and shed just hit her stride.
Forget the monsters and what you have and havent seen. Todays my birthday, and all I want is for us to go to my sisters ballet recital like a normal family. Thats it. Thats all. Im not asking for the world. But if you dont have the guts, fine. If Dad doesnt, whatever. Ill call one of my friends from school and well go without you. The drive into the city was at least half an hour, so there was no way we could walk. And you know what? If you make me go that route, youll break Ems heart and I will never forgive you.
She sucked in a breath, stiffened. Id probably just shocked the crap out of her. I was the calm one in the family. I hardly ever lashed out, rarely went mental. For the most part, I accepted and I rolled.
Alice, she said, and I gritted my teeth.
Here it comes. The refusal. Tears of crushing devastation burned my eyes, splashed onto my cheeks. I scrubbed them away with the back of my hand. Forget about my lack of forgiveness. I will hate you for this.
She glanced back at me, sighed. Her shoulders sagged in defeat. All right. Ill talk to him.
* * *
All through her performance, Em glowed. She also dominated that stage, kicking butt and not bothering with names. Honestly, she put the other girls to shame. And that wasnt sibling pride talking. That was just plain fact.
She twirled and smiled and utterly dazzled, and everyone who watched her was as enraptured as I was. Surely. By the time the curtain closed two hours later, I was so happy for her I could have burst. And maybe I did burst the eardrums of the people in front of me. I think I clapped louder than anyone, and I definitely whistled shrilly enough to cause brain bleeds.
Those people would just have to deal. This was the best. Birthday. Ever. For once, the Bells had attended an event like a normal family.
Of course, my dad almost ruined everything by continually glancing at his wristwatch and turning to eye the back door as if he expected someone to volley in an H-bomb. So, by the time the crowd jumped up for a standing O, and despite my mad rush of happiness, hed made me so tense my bones were practically vibrating.
Even still, I wasnt going to utter a single word of complaint. Miracle of miracles, hed come. And all right, okay, so the miracle had been heralded by a bottle of his favorite whiskey, and hed had to be stuffed in the passenger seat of the car like the cream filling in a Twinkie, but whatever. He had come!
We need to leave, he said, already edging his way to the back door. At six-four, he was a tall man, and he loomed over everyone around him. Grab Em and lets go.
Despite his shortcomings, despite how tired his self-medication had become, I loved him, and I knew he couldnt help his paranoia. Hed tried legitimate medication with no luck. Hed tried therapy and gotten worse. He saw monsters no one else could see, and he refused to believe they werent actually thereor trying to eat him and kill all those he loved.
In a way, I even understood him. One night, about a year ago, Em had been crying about the injustice of missing yet another slumber party. I, in turn, had raged at our mother, and she had been so shocked by my atypical outburst that shed explained what she called the beginning of your fathers battle with evil.
As a kid, my dad had witnessed the brutal murder of his own father. A murder that had happened at night, in a cemetery, while his father had been visiting Grandmother Alices grave. The event had traumatized my dad. So, yes, I got it.
Did that make me feel any better right now? No. He was an adult. Shouldnt he handle his problems with wisdom and maturity? I mean, how many times had I heard, Act like an adult, Alice. Or, Only a child would do something like that, Alice.
My take on that? Practice what you preach, people. But what did I know? I wasnt an ever-knowing adult; I was just expected to act like one. And, yeah. A real nice family tree I had. Murder and mayhem on every gnarled branch. Hardly seemed fair.
Come on, he snapped now.
My mom rushed to his side, all comfort and soothing pats. Calm down, darling. Everythings going to be okay.
We cant stay here. We have to get home where its safe.
Ill grab Em, I said. The first flickers of guilt hit me, stinging my chest. Maybe Id asked too much of him. And of my mom, who would have to peel him from the roof of the car when we finally pulled into our monster-proof garage. Dont worry.
My skirt tangled around my legs as I shoved my way through the crowd and raced past the stage curtain. Little girls were everywhere, each of them wearing more makeup, ribbons and glitter than the few strippers Id seen on TV. When Id been innocently flipping channels. And accidentally stopped on stations I wasnt supposed to watch. Moms and dads were hugging their daughters, praising them, handing them flowers, all about the congratulations on a job-well-done thing. Me, I had to grab my sisters hand and beat feet, dragging her behind me.
Dad? she asked, sounding unsurprised.
I threw her a glance over my shoulder. She had paled, those golden eyes too old and knowledgeable for her angel face. Yeah.
Whats the damage?
Nothing too bad. Youll still be able to venture into public without shame.
Then I consider this a win.
Me, too.
People swarmed and buzzed in the lobby like bees, half of them lingering, half of them working their way to the doors. Thats where I found my dad. Hed stopped at the glass, his gaze panning the parking lot. Halogens were placed throughout, lighting the way to our Tahoe, which my mom had parked illegally in the closest handicapped space for an easy in, easy out. His skin had taken on a grayish cast, and his hair now stood on end, as if hed scrambled his fingers through the strands one too many times.
Mom was still trying to soothe him. Thank goodness shed managed to disarm him before wed left the house. Usually he carried guns, knives and throwing stars whenever he dared to venture out.
The moment I reached him, he turned and gripped me by the forearms, shaking me. You see anything in the shadows, anything at all, you pick up your sister and run. Do you hear me? Pick her up and run back inside. Lock the doors, hide and call for help. His eyes were an electric blue, wild, his pupils pulsing over his irises.
The guilt, well, it stopped flickering and kicked into a hard-core blaze. I will, I promised, and patted both of his hands. Dont worry about us. You taught me how to protect myself. Remember? Ill keep Em safe. No matter what.
Okay, he said, but he looked far from satisfied. Okay, then.
Id spoken the truth. I didnt know how many hours Id logged in the backyard with him, learning how to stop an attacker. Sure, those lessons had been all about protecting my vital organs from becoming some mindless beings dinner, but self-defense was self-defense, right?