What it feels like to hit bottom. It's like talking about a trip to hell. We've all been there and we talk just like travelers talk about places where they've been. It's a great crowd. Then when the meeting's over we say a prayer. I suppose," he said, "that ministers and priests think about God all the time. I suppose they think about God when they wake up and I suppose everything they see during the day reminds them about God and of course they say their prayers before they go to sleep. It was just like that with me except that I didn't think about God; I thought about the hootch. I thought about hootch the first thing in the morning, I thought about hootch all day long and I always went to bed with a skinful. Hootch was just like God to me, I mean it was everywhere the way God is supposed to be. The clouds reminded me of hootch, the rain reminded me of hootch, the stars reminded me of hootch. I used to dream about girls before I got on the hootch but after that I just used to dream about hootch. I mean dreams are supposed to come from some very deep part of your mind like sex but with me it was hootch. I'd dream that I had a glass in one hand and a bottle in the other. Then I'd dream that I poured two or three inches into the glass. Then I'd drink it and dream about that wonderful feeling I used to get as if I were beginning a new life. I used to dream about bourbon and scotch and gin and vodka. I never dreamed about rum. I never liked rum. Just sitting there drinking and watching comics on TV I'd feel as if I was sliding down a greased pole, just sliding and sliding so nice and easy. Then in the morning I'd wake up with the shakes and the blues and start thinking about hootch again."
The specialist tried to explain his profession at dinner but his vocabulary was so highly technical that neither Nellie nor Eliot was very clear about what to expect. At eight o'clock he carried his case of instruments upstairs and said: "Time to get to work." He closed the door. When he came down for breakfast his eyes were red and he seemed to have been up all night. Nailles drove him to the station and he mailed them his findings at the end of the week. The report read: "The patient suspended consciousness at 9:12 with a corresponding drop in body temperature. He slept in the Fanchon position-that is on his abdomen with his right knee bent. At 10:00 he had a two-minute dream sequence that raised his body temperature and generally relaxed his cardiovascular tensions. At 10:03 he changed to the nimbus position, that is he crooked his left leg. His next dream sequence was at 1:15 and lasted three minutes. This caused him to have an erection which woke him briefly but he then shifted to the prenatal position and fell asleep again. His body temperature remained constant. At 3:10 he returned to the Fanchon position and began to snore. The snoring was both oral and nasal and continued for eight and one half minutes…"
The report was five typewritten pages and attached to it was a bill for five hundred dollars.
IV
Nailles thought of pain and suffering as a principality, lying somewhere beyond the legitimate borders of western Europe. The government would be feudal and the country mountainous but it would never lie on his itinerary and would be unknown to his travel agent. Now and then he received postcards from this distant place. There would be a view of the statue of Aesculapius in the public gardens with some snowy mountains in the distance and on the back of the card this message: "Edna is under sedation most of the time and has about three weeks to live but she would like a letter from you." He wrote entertaining letters to the dying and mailed them off to that remote and quaint capital where the figures on the Rathaus Glockenspiel were crippled, where the statues in the park were the grotesques pain can extort from the imagination, where the palace had been converted into a hospital and rivers of blood foamed under the arched bridges. He was not meant to travel here and he was surprised and frightened to wake from a dream in which he had seen, out of a train window, that terrifying range of mountains.
When Tony had been in bed for twelve days Nailles's inexperience with grief was ended. He would not have gone so far as to say that fortune was dealt out like the peanuts at the end of a child's birthday party, but he felt vaguely that one had one's share of brute pleasure, hard work, money and love and that the rank inequities that he saw everywhere were mysteries that did not concern him. Lucky Nailles! Now his son lay close to death. This did not come like a new fact in his life. It was to be his life and he was to learn the obsessiveness of suffering. When he woke in the morning his first thought was that he might hear Tony's step on the stairs. Whatever occupied him- drink, play, work or money-was merely a distraction from the consuming image of his lost son, gripping a pillow. Having observed the obsessiveness of pain he went on to observe the gross jealousy of a man who feels that his luck has run out. Why, of all the young men in Bullet Park, should Tony have been singled out to suffer a mysterious and incurable disease? It was not a question that he asked himself but a question forced onto him pitilessly by the world as it appeared to him from the first thing in the morning until dark. Cheerful and thoughtless laughter on the station platform merely made Nailles wonder angrily and bitterly why the sons of his friends were free to walk and run in the light while his son lay imprisoned. Lunching with friends who spoke inevitably about the successes of their sons would provoke in him such sadness and misgiving that he would seem physically alienated from the company. Seeing a young stranger run down the street he wanted to call after him: "Stop, stop, stop, stop. Tony was once as strong and swift as you." Having been a patriot about his way of life he found himself involved in subversion, espionage and vengefulness.
"Do you know anyone named Hammer," Nellie asked one evening. Nailles explained that he had met the Hammers in church. "Well she called this afternoon," Nellie said, "and asked us to dinner. I don't approve of asking strangers to dinner but perhaps they come from some part of the world where this goes on."
"It does seem strange, doesn't it," Nailles said. "We just said hello on the porch. Perhaps they're lonely…" He was not thinking of the Hammers' probable aloneness but of his own. It was the image of Tony in bed that broke down his rigid sense of social fitness.