For the first time I understood why Cade no longer smiled and laughed and talked and played with us anymore. For the first time I understood that though I may do those things again someday, I would never do them in the same way that I had done them just four days ago. For the first time, I understood that though Abby and Aiden had also lost a parent, they did not share what Cade and I did. They did not have to live with the burden of having been spared, when they should have died. My siblings would never wish that they had been home too, so maybe they could have done something to stop it like Cade did. They would never wish that they had been able to warn our dad about the deer sooner, before it had been too late to stop the car. They would never feel guilt over being the ones to survive, when they shouldnt have. When we shouldnt have. They did not share what Cade and I did, they never would. They never could , and I was immensely grateful for that fact as I would never want them to.
Cade sat beside me, silent in the fading light of what had been a beautiful early summer day. We did not speak as an hour, and then two, slipped by. The sunset lit up the sky with a myriad of beautiful colors that should have been uplifting, but somehow only made me sadder. My father would never see such a beautiful sunset again. I should not be here to see it, but I was.
Seeming to sense my growing distress, Cades long fingers slid into mine. His strong, young hand clasped upon mine, holding me tight. Something began to ease inside of me. I felt at home, I did not feel so ashamed and devastated with him beside me, holding me. For the first time in days I did not feel guilty, was not consumed by self-hatred, did not close my eyes and see the broken body of my father. The nightmares that caused me to wake, screaming soundlessly every night, did not even seem so bad at the moment. With him holding my hand I did not feel like I was going to fall apart, shattering like a dropped piece of glass if I moved the wrong way. For the first time, I almost felt a small measure of peace again.
Its ok to cry. His voice was soft as the remains of the sun slipped over the horizon.
And for the first and last time, I did. I did not sob loudly, did not fall completely apart. Did not
scream and rail against the heavens, or fate, as I had feared every second of the past few days I would. Instead I wept silently as all the pain and shame poured steadily from me. He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me against his side. Cradling my head gently he did not tell me to stop, did not tell me that it would all be alright, did not offer me the same false words that everyone else had over the past few days. He simply held and comforted me in a way that I had never been held, or comforted, before.
It was dark before my tears finally subsided and I lay spent against him. I could feel the hard press of his ribs against my cheek; hear the hard knock of his heart. The crickets were out, an owl hooted somewhere in the distance, and though it was growing cooler neither of us moved. I needed him, needed his understanding, needed to know that I was not as hated as I felt. In those moments, I needed him more than I had ever needed anything in my life. I was not going to be the first one to pull away.
It was another hour before my front door opened and light spilled across the large front porch. People had been steadily leaving all day, but no one had noticed us under the gentle branches of the willow tree. There were still a few cars in the drive, but I knew that it was not one of their owners stepping outside now.
Bethany! Bethy are you out here!? I wanted to stay hidden away, wanted to remain secure in Cades arms all night. The last thing I wanted was to return to that house, with all of its loving memories, reminders of things lost, and enclosed spaces. Bethany where are you!?
It was the edge of hysteria in her voice that slowly roused me from my gentle cocoon of understanding and support. She had just lost her husband, and she was terrified that she was losing me. I hadnt understood it at the time, but my mother had known I was standing on a thin precipice that was about to crumble from beneath me. She had feared she would lose me forever, and she hadnt known how to stop it from happening. Only Cade had.
Bethany! Her voice broke, the any part of my name came out as more of a sob then a shout.
Here mom! I called, unable to bear the thought of her crying again, at least not over me. Though, she had already cried plenty of times for me. Im right here!
Where?
The garden. Ill be right in!
She didnt call for me again, but she didnt go inside either. She stood in the doorway, waiting patiently for her wayward, broken child. Cade squeezed my hand gently; I sensed the loss that filled him, the regret and sorrow that captured him. He wrapped his hand around the back of my head. Pulling me to him, he kissed my forehead lightly, and with a note of goodbye that caused the last of my tears to fall.