Theres another way, too, you might spoil yerself if yer dont look out. Like all houses o your sort, theres some niste gals downstairs, and noises allus goes uppards a deal easier than they goes downards. Dont you never let nobody upstairs hear anybody downstairs a-saying, Dont Jarge! or Do a done now! or Such imperance! you know, my lad, ony mind what I say: if them words downstairs is heered by any one upstairs, there wont be a mossil o chance o them words upstairs bein heered downstairs. But there, I aint talkin to a flat. When we gets down ter Richmond, and your folks is gone into the Star and Garter, youll be standin a glass or two, and I can put you up to two or three wrinkles, every word of which youll be saving is worth five shillings to yer. Ah! I ony wish Id half your chance; Id be riding in a keb of my own before many months was over.
The missuses a-goin to a dinner, of course? Ah, and a niste day for a dinner down there, and a row on the river arterwards. Goin to meet some gents, I spose? But never you mind that. Play your cards well, and youll be right, and can come down to Richmond once a week on your own hook. Dont you be a-standin no nonsense, though, from some o them big swells all mustarsh and beard, with rings on their fingers. Youll have some on em callin at your house and tryin it on, and wanting to cut you out: but you can dodge em by running up in the room when the bell didnt ring, and a-going up with coals, and letters, and sich like; and if that dont do dont let
em go upstairs at all. The missusll thank yer for it arterwards, as its all for her good. And them young things is as ignorant as can be as to whats best for them. I haint lived five-and-forty years in this world to learn nothing, I can tell yer. Lets see, now, youre about eight-and-twenty, you are, and dont seem a bad sorter chap; but youre too tame and quiet-like looks as if you wus just come outer the country, dont you see? But there, thatll all come right in time I dersay.
I say, you knows, send us a slice o cake when it comes off, my lad.
Upon reaching the Star and Garter I told my Mentor to await our return; gave him a shilling to obtain the glass or two of which he had spoken; and after handing out the ladies, walked off with them to the tune of a low, but long-drawn whistle of astonishment from my self-constituted adviser.
I rode home inside, for the evening was damp and chilly; and upon paying the required tribute to my husky-voiced friend, he favoured me with a long serio-comic look beneath the lamp-post, and then upon placing one foot upon the wheel to reach his perch, he turned his head, winked solemnly and with a peculiar wisdom in his eye, and then Minerva Road knew him no more.
Chapter Thirteen. From Real Life
Drive to Cavendish Square, sez he.
Now, he wasnt a reglar thoroughbred flunkey, all white gloves, stockings and powder, with a long cane and crestys on his buttons, but one o yer pepper-an-salt doctors men, all white choker and cheek, and not arf so affable as a real footman. He was one of them chaps as keeps the patients waiting in the back parly till they tips him, and then he finds out all of a sudden as the doctor aint engaged. Lord, sir, Ive waited hours in Saville-Row for poor innercent creeturs as didnt know the wally of a trifle, and so spent a hextry five shillings in cab fare.
Drive to Cavendish Square, sez he, as big as yer please and then he begins a-whistling, and a-staring at all the gals as we passes. My lord hadnt a word to say to me, yer know, being only a kebby, and not up to his social spear in society; but I begins to pump him a little movin the handle quite gentle like at first, for he wouldnt suck a bit; but bimeby I works him round, and out flows such a bright stream of eloquence, and he begins to tell me where we was a-going to and who we was a-going to take; and then I finds as it was a young lady to a private asylum, for she was allus a-trying to kill herself, and all through love.
Well, we pulls up at a door with a werry large brass plate, and the doctors name on it in big letters, and there I waited for half an hour; when the door opens and I hears a screech as goes through me like a knife, and then they carries out a young gal with a face amost like an angel, only all drawed and frightened looking.
The poor thing stares quite wild, first this way and then that way; calls out Hernest Hernest help! and skreeked again as they pulled up the glasses of the keb, and then Pepper-and-salt jumps up alongside me, as it might be you, sir, and Drive on fast, he says, along Ammersmith Road to Chiswick through
Kensington, you know.
Now, you know, sir, Im blest if I know how I drove that arternoon. You see, sir, one gets knocked about here, and shoved there, and goes through lots o strange things to get a living; but I cant help thinking as were all on us, gentle and simple, made alike, and outer the same stuff. Some on us, too, gets more than our share o temper, and softness, and fust one thing, and then another, and you see thats how it is with me. Im a rum-looking cove to look at, reglar rough one, you know, but then Ive got a lot o softness stowed away about my heart as I aint no business with. Now I just ask you now, sir, as a fair judge, what business has a kebman with softness? It aint natural. Be as rough as you like, I says, but none o that. And yet my stoopid old woman at home she likes it, and says its natur. Prhaps it is, and prhaps it aint. But then, you see, we dont live in a state of natur now. Quartern loaves, pots o porter, and Dutch cheeses dont grow on the hedges; and people has to look out precious sharp for enough to fill out their weskits, and Ive known the time when mines been precious slack about the buttons. Pon my soul, sir beggin your pardon for being a bit strong you upper crusters aint no idea what shifts were put to sometimes for a living, and what hard work it is. I aint a grumbling, for only having the missus, and no children, things aint so hard as they might be. We gets along right enough, for the wife can scheme wonderfully, and toss you up a sixpenny dinner as would surprise yer. Shes up to a thing or two, an can go to first-class butchers and get her threepenorth o pieces topping meat, you know; twopenorth o taters and some carrots and turnips; and, Lor bless you, youd be surprised as I said afore. Did yer ever go down Leather Lane, sir, or past the Brill at Somers Town, or some parts of Clare and Newport Markets? Perhaps you didnt. But jest you wait for a stinging hot day, and then go and see what the poor folks is a buying of; and then dont you wonder no more about fevers, and choleras, and all them sort o troubles. There aint no wonder in the gin palaces going ahead, when so many poor creeturs flies to em to drown their sorrows. Its this sorter thing as cheers me up; and makes me say a moral bit as I learnt A contented minds a continual feast, I says to the wife; and really, sir, if youll believe me, sooner than Id live as some of our poor things does Id try and peg on along with my old mare here. Wed make a subdivision: she should have the chaff, and Id go in for the oats and beans.