It shouldnt be. Look at all the morons who do just fine at it.
And its satisfying, he said. Especially when what youre doing is taking something thats a real mess and straightening it out.
Youve been doing that for years, Keller. Though I cant recall you ever using a paint roller before. But tell me more about this lady friend of yours.
He shook his head. Your turn, he said.
She said, Once we knew what was going on, all I could do was disappear, and the sooner the better. I figured you might get away or you might not, but there was nothing I could do about it either way.
So the first thing I did was go online and sell everything we owned, every last share, every bond, everything. The whole works, every lock, every stock, every barrel. And then I arranged a wire transfer and stashed every single dime of it in our account in the Caymans.
We have an account in the Caymans?
Well, I do, she said, the same as I had the Ameritrade account. I set it up as soon as the Ameritrade balance started to amount to something, just in case, and it was sitting there waiting when I needed it. I transferred the money, and then I took care of the house, and then I walked a few blocks and waited for the bus.
You took care of the house. What does that mean?
Youre a smart boy, Keller. What do you think it means?
You set it on fire.
I got rid of anything that might point anywhere, she said, and I pulled the hard drive out of the computer and treated it the same way you did the cell phone, and I put it back right where I found it, and then, yes, I set the house on fire.
They found a body.
She made a face. I was going to skip that part, she said. You know, I was going to take my chances, and then this woman turned up, and all I could think was that God sent her.
God sent her?
You remember how Abraham was about to sacrifice Isaac? And God sent a ram for him to sacrifice instead?
That story never made much sense to me, he said.
Well, its the Bible, Keller. What the hell do you want from it? All I know is I was scrambling, trying to decide where to pour gasoline, and the doorbell rang. And I went there, and there she was.
Selling magazine subscriptions? Taking a survey?
She was a Jehovahs Witness, she said. You know what you get when you cross a Jehovahs Witness with an agnostic?
What?
Someone who rings your doorbell for no apparent reason. You can figure out the rest, cant you? I invited her in and sat her down, and then I got the gun from the silverware drawer and shot her a couple of times, and she got to be the corpse they found in the kitchen. I poured enough gas on her hands so I wouldnt have to worry about fingerprints. Mine arent on file anywhere, but how did I know hers
werent? People who turn up on your doorstep, you never know where theyve been. Why are you frowning?
I read something about a positive identification based on dental records.
Right.
Well, how did you manage that?
Thats why I have to figure God sent her, Keller. The little darling had false teeth.
She had false teeth.
Cheap ones, too. You could just about spot em before she opened her mouth. First thing I did, I yanked em out and popped mine in.
Yours?
Whats so remarkable about that?
I didnt know your teeth were false.
You werent supposed to know, she said. Thats why I paid ten or twenty times as much for them as Jehovahs little godchild paid for hers, so theyd look like the original equipment. I lost all my teeth before I was thirty, Keller, and Ill save that story for another day, if its all the same to you. I switched the teeth and set the fire and got the hell out.
I always thought
That my teeth were real? See these? She drew back her lips. I have to say I like them even better than the ones I left in White Plains. They dont look perfect, thats the giveaway with so many of them, and yet they look really nice. Dont ask what they cost.
I wont, he said, and thats not what I was going to say. What I always thought was that Jehovahs Witnesses always came around in pairs.
Oh, right. Him.
Him?
I shot him first, she said, because he was bigger, and looked more like trouble, although I cant say either one of them struck me as a dangerous customer. I shot him, and then I shot her, and I put him in the trunk of my car and dumped him where nobody would find him for a while, and then I came back and switched the teeth and set the fire, di dah di dah di dah.
She left her car in the garage, so no one would go looking for it, and she took no more than would fit into a small overnight bag. She took a bus to the train station and a train to Albany and holed up there for six weeks in an apartment hotel catering mostly to people with political business in the state capital.
State senators and assemblymen and the lobbyists who throw money at them, she said. I had plenty of cash, and credit cards in my new name, and I bought a car and picked up a laptop and did a little research. I decided Sedona looked good.
Sedona, Arizona.
I know, it rhymes, just like New York, New York. And there the resemblance ends. Its small and upscale, and the climates ideal and the settings beautiful, and the town doubles its population every twenty minutes, so a person could drop in out of the blue without drawing attention, and after six months youd be an old-timer. I figured Id drive there and see some of the country on the way, and then I thought it through and decided the hell with seeing the country, so I sold the car and flew out to Phoenix and bought a new car and drove to Sedona. I picked out a two-bedroom penthouse condo for myself, and from one window I can see the golf course and from another Ive got a great view of Bell Rock, and you probably dont even know what that is.