Listen, said Ford, who was still engrossed in the sales brochure, they make a big thing of the ships cybernetics. A new generation of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation robots and computers, with the new GPP feature.
GPP feature? said Arthur. Whats that?
Oh, it says Genuine People Personalities.
Oh, said Arthur, sounds ghastly.
A voice behind them said, It is. The voice was low and hopeless and accompanied by a slight clanking sound. They span round and saw an abject steel man standing hunched in the doorway.
What? they said.
Ghastly, continued Marvin, it all is. Absolutely ghastly. Just dont even talk about it. Look at this door, he said, stepping through it. The irony circuits cut into his voice modulator as he mimicked the style of the sales brochure. All the doors in this spaceship have a cheerful and sunny disposition. It is their pleasure to open for you, and their satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done.
As the door closed behind them it became apparent that it did indeed have a satisfied sigh-like quality to it. Hummmmmmmyummmmmmm ah! it said.
Marvin regarded it with cold loathing whilst his logic circuits chattered with disgust and tinkered with the concept of directing physical violence against it. Further circuits cut in saying, Why bother? Whats the point? Nothing is worth getting involved in. Further circuits amused themselves by analysing the molecular components of the door, and of the humanoids brain cells. For a quick encore they measured the level of hydrogen emissions in the surrounding cubic parsec of space and then shut down again in boredom. A spasm of despair shook the robots body as he turned.
Come on, he droned, Ive been ordered to take you down to the bridge. Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to take you down to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction? Cos I dont.
He turned and walked back to the hated door.
Er, excuse me, said Ford following after him, which government owns this ship?
Marvin ignored him.
You watch this door, he muttered, its about to open again. I can tell by the intolerable air of smugness it suddenly generates.
With an ingratiating little whine the door slit open again and Marvin stomped through.
Come on, he said.
The others followed quickly and the door slit back into place with pleased little clicks and whirrs.
Thank you the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, said Marvin and trudged desolately up the gleaming curved corridor that stretched out before them. Lets build robots with Genuine People Personalities, they said. So they tried it out with me. Im a personality prototype. You can tell cant you?
Ford and Arthur muttered embarrassed little disclaimers.
I hate that door, continued Marvin. Im not getting you down at all am I?
Which government started Ford again.
No government owns it, snapped the robot, its been stolen.
Stolen?
Stolen? mimicked
Marvin.
Who by? asked Ford.
Zaphod Beeblebrox.
Something extraordinary happened to Fords face. At least five entirely separate and distinct expressions of shock and amazement piled up on it in a jumbled mess. His left leg, which was in mid stride, seemed to have difficulty in finding the floor again. He stared at the robot and tried to entangle some dartoid muscles.
Zaphod Beeblebrox? he said weakly.
Sorry, did I say something wrong? said Marvin, dragging himself on regardless. Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I dont know why I bother to say it, oh God Im so depressed. Heres another of those self-satisfied door. Life! Dont talk to me about life.
No one ever mentioned it, muttered Arthur irritably. Ford, are you alright?
Ford stared at him. Did that robot say Zaphod Beeblebrox? he said.
Chapter 12
Zaphod waved a hand and the channel switched again. More gunk music, but this time it was a background to a news announcement. The news was always heavily edited to fit the rhythms of the music.
and news brought to you here on the sub-etha wave band, broadcasting around the galaxy around the clock, squawked a voice, and well be saying a big hello to all intelligent life forms everywhere and to everyone else out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys. And of course, the big news story tonight is the sensational theft of the new Improbability Drive prototype ship by none other than Galactic President Zaphod Beeblebrox. And the question everyones asking is has the big Z finally flipped? Beeblebrox, the man who invented the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, ex-confidence trickster, once described by Eccentrica Gallumbits as the Best Bang since the Big One, and recently voted the Worst Dressed Sentinent Being in the Known Universe for the seventh time has he got an answer this time? We asked his private brain care specialist Gag Halfrunt
The music swirled and dived for a moment. Another voice broke in, presumably Halfrunt. He said: Well, Zaphods jist zis guy you know? but got no further because an electric pencil flew across the cabin and through the radios on/off sensitive airspace. Zaphod turned and glared at Trillianshe had thrown the pencil.