CONSULTANT: You seem nervous. Afraid you aren’t going to make it?
DIRECTOR: I’m never afraid of anything. It’ll all be ready in time. I’ve staged spectacles on streets, and on squares, and in stadiums, and in swimming pools… And everything always went like clockwork. This is my profession. I work like a horse, but I demand the same attitude to the work from everyone else.
MAN: I’m not against work, but I do require respect. I’m not some whippersnapper – I’m a big deal. A very big deal.
DIRECTOR: And I require respect too. In your free time, away from rehearsals, by all means run the government or the country, I couldn’t care less. But here I’m directing this production, and you’re only actors in it and have to do what you’re told.
MAN: So stick to your business, but don’t forget who you are and who I am.
DIRECTOR: I’m not forgetting that you’re our prime minister, our fearless leader. Although the male lead in the seediest provincial theater would play that part in tomorrow’s performance far better than you. And you, in turn, don’t forget that I’m the one who forged your image when you were being groomed for the prime minister spot. I’m the one who taught you how to walk, talk, dress, carry yourself, so that you’d look every bit like a serious, intelligent, upstanding person. But now we’re in rehearsal, not at some government meeting. And in rehearsal, everyone obeys just one person. Namely, the director. And that director is me.
MAN: Permit me to…
DIRECTOR: (cutting MAN off) And I make so bold as to observe that when a minister is removed from his post, he becomes nobody, the “former,” the “ex” whatever. But no one will take my calling from me. I was, am, and will remain a top-flight professional.
MAN: But that doesn’t give you the right…
DIRECTOR: (cutting him off again) Wait, I haven’t finished yet. If you make a mess of tomorrow’s nationwide broadcast, it’ll be your mess, of course. Unfortunately, though, it will be mine too. You’ll probably be fired, but I’ll survive it. No one’ll fire me. Still, I value my reputation as the country’s best director, and I don’t want to lose it because of you. And I won’t let either of you go until you deliver your speeches the way you should. This is, first of all, in your own interests. How come you aren’t understanding that?
MAN: (less confident) I just wanted to say that I don’t like the way you rehearse.
DIRECTOR: Directing’s part of my job description, so leave that to me. If you let all the professionals do what they do the way they want to, as they know best, our country would have changed to the good long ago. But you interfere with everything and spoil everything. (pointing to WOMAN) Take your fellow member of the government as your example. She’s sitting quietly and not trying to stretch the rehearsal out with pointless bickering. (to WOMAN) Because you’re a minister, an elected representative, or something like that too, aren’t you?
WOMAN: What of it?
DIRECTOR: Nothing. So what are you running there?
WOMAN: What ministry would they give to a woman? Only what is considered the most unimportant, third-rate – health care, education, culture…
DIRECTOR: And which of those ministries do you head up?
WOMAN: Me…? (racking her brains) It’s… You know… Education, I think… Or no – Culture. I always get them mixed up. (to MAN) Do you remember? At present I’m Minister of what – Education or Culture?
MAN: (sullenly) Agriculture.
WOMAN: Right! For some reason I was thinking Culture.
MAN: You were head of Culture last time around.
WOMAN: Why didn’t you remind me before? At yesterday’s meeting, I kept saying that our main aim is to develop culture.
MAN: No big deal. They probably thought you were pushing them to improve crop cultivation or something.
CONSULTANT: Sorry to interfere, but the rehearsal’s fallen off the radar. Isn’t it time we got back to it?
DIRECTOR: My dear girl, it’s obvious that you don’t understand a thing about the theater. All rehearsals mainly consist of unnecessary chit-chat and people at each other’s throats. Without conflict, no show is ever born. But I wasn’t just wool-gathering. I’m feeling that tomorrow’s performance is missing something. Something that pops… It’s all boring, mundane. There’s nothing spectacular about it… It’s how anyone would do it… I need to come up with something – a discovery, a hook, a gimmick, a ploy… (thinks for a moment) Maybe our esteemed prime minister will ravish this fine figure of a woman on live TV.
WOMAN: Me?!
DIRECTOR: Who else?
MAN: You’re out of your mind!
WOMAN: What’s the big whoop? I don’t mind.
MAN: Neither do I, but why do it when the cameras are rolling?
DIRECTOR: For the scandal.
MAN: Why?
DIRECTOR: What d’you mean “why”? There can be no success without a scandal. Who’s interested in watching a funeral? It’s all pretty dreary, so been-there, done-that. I did instruct the designer to zhuzh it up as much as possible, and make it more festive and cheerful – but a funeral’s a funeral. Always the same thing – glum faces, phony eulogies… The viewers will click over, to a football game or their favorite soap. But if there’s a scandal, they’ll talk about it, interest will skyrocket, people will insist on reruns. My stagings always involve a scandal. The rest doesn’t interest me, or the viewers.
CONSULTANT: But what does physical violation have to do with a funeral?
DIRECTOR: Nothing. That’s the trick of it. One time I set up a welcome ceremony for a foreign leader, and do you know what I came up with? Naked girls with an obscene tattoo on their breasts came running out to meet him at the airport. That bit of film got airtime on every station worldwide.
MAN: And what did the foreign dignitary say?
DIRECTOR: He was very pleased. The girls were just what the doctor ordered, and he became a household name all over the world. And before that, no one had even heard of him. That’s how a success is made. And when I was directing an orchid festival in Singapore…
CONSULTANT: Sorry to interfere again, but this isn’t a stroll down memory lane. It’s a rehearsal.
DIRECTOR: The word “rehearsal” in Latin means “repetition,” my dear girl. With a real director, though, no rehearsal is ever a repetition of the same old thing. It’s a quest for, a promotion of, new ideas.
CONSULTANT: Setting someone up to be violated doesn’t strike me as a good idea.
DIRECTOR: First of all, pussycat, nobody asked you. Second, that’s exactly how the funeral should go, in my mind’s eye. As a great director once asked, “Where’s our next surprise coming from?”
CONSULTANT: You think that a televised sex act will surprise anybody?
DIRECTOR: To be honest, I’m not sure. I’m putting this idea out only as a working hypothesis. And what do you think would surprise today’s viewers?
CONSULTANT: Well, for example, a show that comes across as logical.
DIRECTOR: That’s old hat. I always have to be ahead of my time, not trailing behind it. That’s why my shows have more hooks, obscenities, violence, and all the rest of it than anyone else’s. Food without pepper and spice is bland and tasteless.
CONSULTANT: The only people who say that don’t know how to cook a tasty meal.
DIRECTOR: I’m used setting the tone, and that’s not something I’m about to give up now. The spectators are supposed to leave my shows in a daze. That’s real art. And that’s why I’m the world’s best director for large-scale public events.
CONSULTANT: Are you sure everyone shares your opinion?
DIRECTOR: I don’t care what others think of me. What’s important is what I think of myself.
CONSULTANT: I don’t want to offend you, but I know a better professional than you in the field.
DIRECTOR: (stung) That can’t be. Who is he?
CONSULTANT: Never mind.
DIRECTOR: No, tell me his name! I know all the professionals in the field.
CONSULTANT: Not now. Time’s too short to be discussing ratings. The funeral’s almost here. We have to work.