“Ah, Sergeant!” I said. “Anything I can do for you, Sergeant?”
My eyes were getting accustomed to the darkness by this time, and I was enabled to see another policeman. Tall and lean, this one.
“This is my young nephew, sir. Constable Dobson[61].”
“Ah, Dobson!” I said.
“Are you aware, sir, that there’s a window broke at the back of your residence? My young nephew here saw it and thought best to wake me up and have me investigate. A ground-floor window, sir.”
“Oh, that? Yes, Brinkley did that yesterday. Silly ass!”
“You knew about it, then, sir?”
“Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Quite all right, Sergeant.”
“Well, you know best if it’s quite all right, sir, but I should say there was a danger of thieves getting through.”
And at this point Dobson said, “I thought I saw a thief getting through, Uncle Ted.”
“What! Then why didn’t you tell me before, you young muttonhead[62]? And don’t call me Uncle Ted when we’re on duty.”
“No, Uncle Ted.”
“You’d best let us make a search of the house, sir,” said Sergeant Voules.
“Certainly not, Sergeant,” I said. “Quite out of the question[63].”
“It would be wiser, sir.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, “but it can’t be done.”
He seemed discontented.
“Good night, sir.”
“Good night.”
I shut the door and came back to the bedroom. Pauline was sitting up in bed.
“Who was it?”
“Police.”
“What did they want?”
“Apparently they saw you getting in.”
“What a lot of trouble I’m giving you, Bertie.”
“Oh, no. Only too pleased. Well, I suppose I must go away.”
“Are you going?”
“I shall go to the garage,” I replied.
“Isn’t there a sofa downstairs?”
“There is. Noah’s[64]. He brought it ashore on Mount Ararat[65]. I shall be better off in the car.”
“Oh, Bertie, I am giving you a lot of trouble.”
I sighed. Love’s love.
“Don’t you worry. We Woosters are always ready to help poor lovers. You put your little head on the pillow and sleep. I shall be all right.”
And, so saying, I went down the stairs, opened the front door, and out into the scented night. Suddenly a heavy hand fell on my shoulder.
“Ouch!” I said.
It was Constable Dobson.
“I beg your pardon, sir. I thought you were the thief.”
“Quite all right, Constable. Quite all right. Just going for a stroll.”
“I understand, sir. Breath of air.”
“Yes. Exactly. A breath, as you astutely observe, of air.”
“Oh, yes, sir. Well, good night, sir.”
“Good night. Tra-la, Constable.”
I proceeded on my way. I had left the garage door open, and I went to my old car, glad to be alone again. I climbed into the car and.
A light suddenly flashed on the features and a voice instructed me to come out of the car.
“Ah, Sergeant!” I said.
Another awkward meeting.
“Is that you, sir?”
“Yes.”
“Sorry to have disturbed you, sir.”
“Not at all. I thought I’d try to get a bit of sleep in the old car, Sergeant.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Such a warm night.”
“Just so, sir.”
His voice was respectful, but there was something in his manner that gave me the idea that he considered Bertram eccentric.
“I often sleep in the car in the summertime.”
“Yes, sir?”
“Good night, Sergeant.”
“Good night, sir.”
I soon saw that all efforts in the direction of the restful night would be fruitless. I went out of the car and decided to sleep on the floor. It was smelling of mice and mould. But at the end of about half an hour a soothing drowsiness had begun to come to me.
And at the end of about thirty-five minutes the door flew open and there was the old, familiar lantern shining in again.
“Ah!” said Sergeant Voules.
And Constable Dobson said the same.
“Yes?” I said. “What is it now?”
“Is that you again, sir?” inquired the sergeant.
“Yes, it is, dash it! What, may I ask, does this mean? Sleep under these conditions becomes impossible.”
“Very sorry, sir. It never occurred to me that it could be you.”
“And why not?”
“Well, sleeping in a shed, sir—”
“You do not dispute the fact that it is my shed?”
“No, sir. But it seems funny.”
“I see nothing funny in it whatsoever. I have a right, have I not, to sleep where I please?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Exactly. It might be the coal cellar[66]. It might be the front door steps[67]. It happens to be this shed. I will now thank you, Sergeant, to withdraw.”
“Are you intending to remain here the rest of the night, sir?”
“Certainly. Why not?”
He was at a loss.[68]
“Well, I suppose there’s no reason why you shouldn’t, if you want to, sir.”
I had had enough of this.
“I hate beds,” I said. “Can’t stand them. Never could.”
“Very good, sir.” He paused a moment. “Quite a warm day today, sir.”
“Quite.”
“Yes, sir. Good night, sir.”
“Good night, Sergeant.”
“Good night, sir.”
“Good night, Constable.”
“Good night, sir.”
The door closed softly. And not ten minutes after I had decided that I should never get to sleep again in this world I was off as comfortably as a babe.
It couldn’t last long, of course. The next thing I remember is someone joggling my arm.
I sat up. There was the good old lantern once more.
“Now, listen—” I was beginning, when the words froze on my lips.
The fellow who was joggling my arm was Chuffy.
9
Lovers’ Meetings
I just sat goggling at him, wondering how he had got there.
Chuffy was bending over me, in the background I could see Sergeant Voules. What had become of Constable Dobson, I did not know. Maybe he was dead.
“It’s all right, Bertie,” said Chuffy soothingly. “It’s me, old man.”
“I found his lordship by the side of the harbour,” explained the sergeant.
“The sergeant was worried about you, Bertie. He thought your manner was strange. So he brought me along to have a look at you. Very sensible of you, Voules.”
“Thank you.”
“You couldn’t have done a wiser thing.”
“Thank you.”
“Something went wrong, old chap,” said Chuffy gently, “didn’t you? If you are sleeping out here.”
“Why shouldn’t I sleep out here?”
I saw Chuffy and the sergeant exchange glances.
“But you’ve got a bedroom, old fellow. You’ve got a nice bedroom, haven’t you? It is more convenient to sleep in your cozy little bedroom.”
“There’s a spider in my bedroom.”
“A spider, eh? Pink?”
“Pinkish.”
“With long legs?”
“Very long legs.”
“And hairy?”
“Very hairy.”
Chuffy grinned in a most unpleasant manner and, rising, drew Sergeant Voules aside and addressed a remark to him,
“It’s all right, Sergeant. Nothing to worry about. He’s simply drunk.”
“Is that so?” said Sergeant Voules. And his voice was the voice of a sergeant to whom all things have been made clear.
“That’s all that’s the trouble. Completely drunk. You notice the glassy look in the eyes[69]?”
“Yes, I do.”
“I’ve seen him like this before. Once, after a party at Oxford, he insisted that he was a mermaid and wanted to dive into the college fountain and play the harp there.”
“Young gents will be young gents,” said Sergeant Voules in a tolerant and broad-minded manner[70].
“We must put him to bed.”
I jumped up. Horror-stricken. Trembling like a leaf.
“I don’t want to go to bed!”
Chuffy stroked my arm soothingly.
“It’s all right, Bertie. Quite all right. We understand. No wonder you were frightened. Beastly great spider. Enough to frighten anyone. But it’s all right now. Voules and I will come up to your room with you and kill it. You aren’t scared of spiders, Voules?”
“No.”
“You hear that, Bertie? Voules will stand by you. Voules can tackle any spider[71]. How many spiders did you kill India, Voules?”
“Ninety-six.”
“Big ones, if I remember rightly?”
“Enormous.”
“There, Bertie. You see there’s nothing to be afraid of. You take this arm, Sergeant. I’ll take the other. Just relax, Bertie. We’ll hold you up.”
Looking back, I am not certain whether I didn’t do the wrong thing. I punched the sergeant in the tummy and ran away.
Well, you can’t go far fast in a dark littered shed. I fell with a dull, sickening thud, and in a minute I found I was being carried through the summer night in the direction of the house. Chuffy had got me under the arms, and Sergeant Voules was attached to my feet. And, thus linked, we passed through the front door and up the stairs.
We had reached the bedroom door now, and what I was asking myself was, What will be when Chuffy opens the door?
“Chuffy,” I said, and I spoke earnestly, “don’t go into that room!”
“I know, I know,” he said. “Never mind. Soon be in bed.”
I considered his manner offensive, and would have said so, but at this moment speech was wiped from my lips. With a quick heave, my bearers had suddenly dumped me on the bed, and there were only a blanket and pillow on it. No girl in pyjamas.