Fyodor. Is it even possible that grown men buy into this?
Alexey. The examples are around us! Now our Veniamin dreams of retiring as soon as possible, marrying a rich French madame against all the odds, and traveling around the globe. He even has a French teacher now.
Fyodor. As for me, I dont have to wait for a miracle or retirement to change my life for the better. And its never too late to find love.
Alexey. You, Fyodor, are in a romantic mood today, I see.
Fyodor. Come off it.
Alexey. You havent fallen in love at your age, have you?
Fyodor. What next!
Alexey. I saw you a week ago in the city. You were walking together with a young mysterious stranger.
Fyodor. She is my neighbor here. We are just friends.
Alexey. Already?
Fyodor. What do you mean by this «already»?
Alexey. First, you are just neighbors, then lovers, and only after that youre just friends.
Fyodor. Are you a bloody shrink now?
Pause.
Fyodor. Though you know, Alexey, I have to admit: For some reason, I am drawn to this woman. She is a doctor in the regional polyclinic, works with special needs children.
Alexey. During my long life, Ive visited fifty-six countries. I had to talk to lots and lots of people from all the continents. You know, I never tried to understand all of them. Its easy to «understand» a person. All it takes is to slap a label on him or her once: Coward, scrounger, drunkard, loser, rascal, smarty pants. And everything suddenly becomes clear.
Fyodor. What are you driving at?
Alexey. I have always wanted to see a person. Not to understand. To see. Heres an observation that Id like to share with you as my best friend. I believe it is the most important one.
Fyodor. Come on, say it.
Alexey. There is no such thing as unfortunate love since only lack of love can be unfortunate. You cant be really happy unless you love and are loved in return.
Fyodor. Im afraid. Im afraid to lose my loved one again.
Alexey. You cant bring Lyudmila back. Shes six feet under. But you are here, alive. If you found your love, Fyodor, take it, hold it tight, dont fritter away your energy.
Fyodor. «I sought my love in the maiden forest. With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack»
Alexey. Take your chance. A million to one chance! Otherwise, you will just become the same embittered loser as Venya.
Fyodor. Veniamin is envious of you as his childhood playmate. You had much greater success in life.
Alexey. Envy is a time bomb. You never know when its going to explode. You can never, ever let anybody see that you are successful and happy. People dont forgive you, especially if they are your childhood playmates. If theres no escaping, you should lie. At least tell them that you suffer from gastritis or hemorrhoid.
Venya leaves the house, approaches the gazebo.
Venya.[To Alexey.] So you think you are smart? Successful? Rich?
Alexey. What are you doing, you brawler?
Fyodor. Venya, my dear, stop messing around.
Pause.
Venya. Yes, I am a loser.
Alexey. Now theres a surprise!
Venya. I live with my mom in a two-room apartment.
Alexey. Here we go, the blessed fool is whinging again.
Fyodor. Alexey, stop that!
Venya. Women loathe me. My colleagues despise me. My friends are always laughing at me.
Fyodor. Stop your nonsense, Veniamin, would you? You are a great friend.
Venya. Im living paycheck to paycheck. I hate my job and count the days till my retirement. I could have become a Doctor of Science!
Alexey. Do it now. Earn some money!
Fyodor. Here we go again.
Alexey. Instead of traipsing around motivation courses, finally take the responsibility for your own life.
Fyodor. Veniamin, whatever man has done, man may do. Someone still has to teach university students.
Venya. Actually, Alexey is right
Alexey. Well, Veniamin, Im sorry. Ive been too hasty. [He comes up to Venya and hugs him.]
Venya. Only fools rely on their present-day superiority. When flood comes the fish eat the ants. But when water dries the ants eat the fish.
Alexey. Theres my dear philosopher, Augustine! I love you so much for that. [He hugs and kisses Venya, the latter tries to kick him off.]
Fyodor. You are just like children, really.
Alexey. Dont worry, Venya, we will find you a woman. With breasts this big!
Venya. Thats what I love.
Alexey. Did you see the way Natashas friend looked at you this morning?
Venya. Oh yes, yes, yes! A gorgeous girl. Oon bell fam!
Fyodor. You are at it again, Don Juans.
Alexey.[To Venya.] What is her name?
Venya. Khlora!
Alexey. A hot little number!
Venya. Do you think its her real name?
Alexey. Who cares? She is what you need!
Venya.[Singing in a soft voice.] «I sought my love in the maiden forest.»
Alexey.[Singing along with Venya.] «With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack»
Fyodor. The girls were just kidding! They didnt want to bother with the tire. So they found us, old fools, to help them put the spare on.
Venya. Hey ho. We should have asked their phone numbers.
Alexey. Youre right, buddy, we failed at that.
Fyodor. They must be enjoying their drinks while sitting in their bungalows on this Sunny Beach. And mocking at you.